How to Start a Custody With an Absent Father

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Missouri

I became pregnant in november 2007 and didn't know, the childs father and I broke up and I left. When I relized I was pregnant I immediately contacted him letting him know. He did not belive me and hung up. Fine, nine months later I had our son, which I called to tell him and have continued to call him every six months with an update in case he ever changes his mind. He is now married with two stepsons and two bio sons with his wife. I have been patient and understanding and on several occasions tried to get a DNA done and force him to pay child support, but he has begged me "I have 4 sons" and that he couldn't afford it. Even here recently with my last contact with him I called to tell him I am going forward with CSE and there's nothing he can do. He had the nerve to blackmail me "well ill sue you for debit purchases you made with my card while we were together". He really is an idiot, at first I belived him and was a little hessitant untill I discovered its beed 4 years, there's no way he can go back that far and sue me for that right? As well as it was a joint account even though it was his card. Anyways he has agreed to the dna and told me he is going to get full custody....that won't happen, and since this man has never met our son is it wrong for me to want visitation for the first six months? What are my options? Having been absent for 4 years would he be elegible for full or 50% custody? I'm really scared, I can't afforda lawer and just need help!

Child support and visitation are two seperate issues in the court's eyes. You are currently pursuing the former. That will probably be granted. At that point, if the father decides that he would like a more active role in his son's life, then it is up to him to file for custody and visitation rights. He can ask for the moon (i.e. a complete change of custody), but he won't get it. IF he files, then your best bet would be to ask for joint legal custody and a graduated visitation plan wherein he is progressively introduced into his child's life.

And in addition, he is NOT going to get 50-50 timeshare unless YOU agree to it, Mom. He's also NOT going to get primary custody unless he can either prove that you're unfit (which is incredibly difficult) or can show a major change in your son's circumstances.

Don't let him threaten/bully you.

It makes me feel better to hear SOMEONE tell me he can't do that. All I ever hear from anyone is "get an attourney" but being a single mother there's no way I could afford it, the cheapest lawer I found was 1500...I don't even make that in two months. But I started reading and found a site called legalaid, I called and applied for an attourney and its free of charge if you qualify. I should I meet all the requirements. I am suggesting the graduated visitation plan, I'm so excited to know that's a possibility because I know him but I've never met his new wife, the visitation is just as much for my peace of mind as it is for my sons. My poor baby I'm so scared they will treat him wrong. =( but I have to do this, I didn't meet my dad untill I was 22 (last year) and I always resented my mom for keeping him a secret. I'm rambling. Thanks for the support =)

Got denied for legalaid "our funds are limited and your case does not fall under dire need"....Good to know?

Well, at least you do know.

So, it's time for you to start studying. You're going to need to learn the family code, the local rules and the civil rules of procedure.

One of the most handy tools you have are message forums like this - start reading old (even archived) posts. Use other forums, too. Use every available resource at your disposal.

Honestly, it's an invaluable (and free!) education. See if your local court has a self-help center, too!

The first place I usually hit is the Law Library, Ive been reading previous post and even have been reading up on his rights so if he throws something out there Ill know if he is even able to do that. I found a copy of a friends "basic custody agreement" Its simple every other holidays, every other weekends, three weeks out of the summer ect. Im kind of modifying it to contain the graduated custody plan *thankyou NDK1009*


Question: (About my ex's new wife) Her ex husband (father of her first two sons) was able to somehow prove that she was spending child support on manicures and hair cutes for herself and he no longer has to pay child support. Is that possible?

That sounds completely and utterly bogus.

Even IF her ex somehow convinced the court to make Mom account for how she's spending CS, that's literally all that would happen.

How was her ex able to prove that it was HIS money paying for her haircuts?

Another poster on another site put it wonderfully, so I'm going to paraphrase as best I can.

Think of the CP's funds as a pool of water. CP puts in $1800/month. NCP contributes $600/month. Total income $2400 - all of it mingled into one big pool. CP's expenses are $1900/month. CP takes one spa weekend per month as a treat - $400.

Exactly how would NCP prove which drops of water (money) went where?

See what I'm saying?

I do see, personally I didnt think it was a big deal. So what if she got a manicure, the kids have more toys then they can handle, clothes, food everything they could need. Im not sure how he proved it but Im hearing this from a very reliable source?? I just know if they arent recieving child support from two boys they have full time that will factor into the ammount I am to be paid for my son lol Is that selfish =P But he actully mentioned something about "HIS" money only being spent on his son. Allthough I pay for EVERYTHING and have for 4 years. Thats why I had the post about the retroactive child support because I know if I am able to get that he will back off to avoid me going after it.
So I have about three weeks until the DNA will come back. After the results come back he wants to sit down with a mediating attourney to sort everything out. Should I have all the custody paperwork ready or wait to see what he actully wants first?
(sorry I have so many questions lol)

It's entirely possible that her ex isn't paying child support - I just doubt (seriously doubt) that it's for the reasons you're being told. I'm wondering if they're trying to set you up into believing that unless YOU account for how YOU spend HIS child support, he won't have to pay...and hence maybe you'll back down ;)

With regards to custody - well, what exactly do you want to do about custody?

Hmm If I must share him heres what i have so far,
I want graduated visitation for three months. Then I will meet him halfway (190 miles a month for this and thats just my half of the drive) so he can have him from 5pm every other Friday untill 5pm sunday. (so every other weekend) He can have three weeks out of the summer, he can have him the day of the holiday every other year, leaving me to have him the day of the holiday on the years in between. Birthdays will be celebebrated during normal custody time.
I have more for in the paperwork so he can have access to health, school and any other records he would need access to.
Also that he is seprately respondsible for half of Our Sons extracuricular activities (he does karate)(but for band trips, school field trips ect.) Not sure if ill get away with that one but never hurts to ask lol

you're not likely to get the extracurricular reimbursements.

At this stage I don't think graduated, supervised visitation (in YOUR community) is unreasonable.

Be VERY specific about pick up and drop off times for holidays - and have you thought about alternating TG and Christmas? That way you both get one "big" one with kiddo every year.

And consider alternating kiddo's birthday, too...and of course he gets kiddo on Father's Day every year, you get kiddo on Mother's Day every year.

I don't think it's unreasonable for kiddo to spend Dad's birthday with Dad, either, regardless.

What do you think?

I didnt think to do the visitation in my community, I would have met him half way but I may suggest my community and if he fights me it gives me a little compromise room to say "ok fine ill meet you half way" also I will alternate x-mas and TG that sounds great. And yes fathers and mothers day would go to father and mother. Birthday, I kinda thought we should celebrate it when we have him (because it falls during the week..my time =P but not a bad idea to be fair). And I agree with the parental birthdays going to the birthday parent.
Honestly he thinks he will only have to pay 75$ a month lol half of that would go into my tank to meet him halfway. I really hope he has to pay more then that.
Thankyou for the suggestions =)

Um..hon? Kiddo's birthday is going to fall on a weekend eventually :p

only every so often, I have a 5 out of 7 chance he will be with me haha and last year it fell on a sunday!

Well Just got DNA back and he is his father and he was ordered to pay 24$ a month......wow.