What Rights Do I Have As a Step-Parent if My Husband Passes

My question involves adoption law for the State of: Arizona

My husband is in the military and has just gone active duty, leaving tomorrow. Him and his ex have joint custody of their son. I have been in his life since the day he was born, and him and I are close, he even calls me mom. My husband and I had a baby together so now a sibling is involved. My question is: if my husband passes away, would I be able to get some sort of visitation to see him? I know that he automatically goes to his mother, and I know I have no chance of getting any sort of custody. I just want visitation.

You would generally have no rights to visitation whatsoever unless you could prove to a court that you have acted as a 'de facto' parent.

Is Mom OK with him calling YOU Mom, too?

How old is the child?

They just went to court, again, and I am in the current court papers now. I have rights to him while my husband is on deployment so I dont think it would be hard to prove that in court.

He will be 3 in December. Before he even started talking, her and I had a talk about. She said it is something that is HIS decision and if he wants to call me mom then he can. BUT, that changed when he actually started calling me mom in front of her. As a mom myself, it would kill me to hear my son call someone else mom, so I do understand that and dont blame her for being upset. She says she doesnt want to hear him say it in front of her. But, how do you tell a 2 year old he isnt allowed to call me mom in front of his real mom?

By saying, "That's your Mommy. I'm [insert substitute term or your name here]."

What rights exactly do you have to this child?

I don't mean that you're named POA/have certain rights according to the military FCP while Dad is deployed; I mean actual rights per custody court order.

There's a reason for my question.

When my older kids were younger, we solved that by calling me 'mom' (or mommy) and calling step 'mama XXX'. This alleviated the stress between us, and has worked well through out the years. Kid's don't care WHO loves them and cares for them, just that someone does.

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Quoting Mr. Knowitall

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By saying, "That's your Mommy. I'm [insert substitute term or your name here]."

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I have had step-parents my entire life, so I have been in his shoes. I dont feel comfortable telling him he cant call me mom. I respect how she feels about it, and I dont force him to call me mom. But I feel if he wants to, then he can. Its what hes comfortable doing.

I have the FCP rights, POA, and in the court order I have rights to visitation. So not really rights, I have visitation.

Lots of us have had stepparents. At three, he's responding to what you want and what makes you happy. The issue is that you don't want him to stop calling you "mommy", not that you couldn't come up with something he could call you that would be roughly equivalent while not antagonizing his mother. As he gets older that can be a lot better and easier for him than remembering not to call you "mom" when he's talking to his mother. Just as he's picked up on how much you like being called "mommy", he won't miss that it pains his mother.

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Quoting mamab045

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I have had step-parents my entire life, so I have been in his shoes. I dont feel comfortable telling him he cant call me mom. I respect how she feels about it, and I dont force him to call me mom. But I feel if he wants to, then he can. Its what hes comfortable doing.

I have the FCP rights, POA, and in the court order I have rights to visitation. So not really rights, I have visitation.

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If you have a court order specifically saying that YOU have visitation, then you have visitation rights and I'm not sure of your legal question.

Are these dependent on Dad?

Could you type word for word what the order says (minus names), because it's very unusual for a stepparent to actually be given visitation rights in this situation.

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Quoting mamab045

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I have had step-parents my entire life, so I have been in his shoes. I dont feel comfortable telling him he cant call me mom. I respect how she feels about it, and I dont force him to call me mom. But I feel if he wants to, then he can. Its what hes comfortable doing.

I have the FCP rights, POA, and in the court order I have rights to visitation. So not really rights, I have visitation.

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You don't feel comfortable?

This isn't about you hon. This is about his Mom and if she's not comfortable then you are OBLIGED to respect her wishes. Seriously - you do not want to go there with her; she CAN have custody changed if the court feels that you're usurping her role.

Might I add that at 2 and three, the kids are comfortable doing whatever is required or asked of them. Kid's respond to the stimuli around them.... if you call yourself 'mom' so shall they, if you call yourself purple space puppy, same difference to them. YOU can make the difference in what the child is comfortable with.