Ex-Girlfriend About to Alienate My from My Child, What Can I Do

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: New York

My ex-girlfriend is pregnant and due 9-11-2010. The child is mine, she was with me all the time there is no doubt in my mind. We picked out a name and talked about the child allot before she moved out. She is married to someone else, but is legally separated.

I filed a Paternity petition one week after she moved out in June. She did not show up for the court date in July even though she knew about it, we talked about it via instant messaging and on the phone so she definitely knew about the court date and I told the judge that in court and he seemed to believe me but said I had to serve her the papers to begin the case, also I had to serve papers to her husband because she was married at the time of conception.

Now I had summons both served to my ex-girlfriend and her husband, and court date is coming up this week on 8-24-2010.

I have no doubt my ex-girlfriend is going to try to alienate my from my first and only child. She always told me I would go to every doctors appointment, see the baby born, know about whats going on, but slowly she has been changing and taken every last thing away from me, now she has a order or protection out on me for and I have one out on her. Both family offense court cases are coming up in a couple weeks on 8-31-2010.

Will she be considered the primary caretaker just by bringing the baby home from the hospital after birth, then alienating me for as long as she can?

She has epileptic seizures, and she had 2 of them at my house when she lived with me, she went to the hospital both times once in an ambulance and one I took her in the car because it was faster. If she was holding a small child or baby, it could have easily been hurt or killed during a seizure like I witnessed happen to her twice in my own house (once I was holding her while it happened).

Can I use her seizure problem to try to gain custody of the baby? Really it is dangerous to a small child if you ever seen someone have a seizure like this you would understand what I mean.

Also, if she does not let me see the child, but acknowledged the child is mine is she alienating me or do I have to wait to paternity to be established for this to be considered alienation?

Once child is born I'm filing for custody and support.

There is allot more to this story but these are the basic things.

You didn't seem to mind her seizure disorder before impregnating her....you are basically saying that she's absolutely fine Mommy material.

(Not meaning to sound harsh but that's how the courts will view it)

Is she on medication?

You will have to establish paternity before you can actually do anything, and this situation would not be classified as alienation.

Until the child is born and paternity is established you do not have a child.

Unfortunately for you, by the time this gets sorted out in court Mom will likely have status quo on her side as primary caretaker and the courts are generally reluctant to remove a newborn/small infant from the PC unless PC is proven unfit.

Thanks for the reply I really appreciate it.

Yes she is on medication for seizures its called LAMICTAL, she takes it twice a day and she sees a neurologist who just upped the medication not too long ago. I did not know the seizure disorder was as bad as it was, then after she got pregnant and I realized how bad it was. She told me she had seizures 2 years apart when I met her, but she has had 2 seizures in a 3 month time period. And I found out of 2 more seizures she had just before I met her. So she had at least 4 seizures just a years time that I know of, and she has told me not to call an ambulance before she got pregnant, so I suspect she had many more seizures that were never reported to the hospitals or doctors.

One thing I really am confused about is how can I turn her in for lying in Family Court in her other case with her other 2 kids? She has told many lies to the court about her address and where her 2 kids were living in that case because she did not want the court to find out she was living with me because my house was not in the best of condition she was worried the courts would take her kids away (I even have text messages where she admits this about not wanting to change her address because of my house condition at that time and says her kids could be taken away). She lied to the court about her address when she was living with me for 6 months. She lied to the court about the house visit at her moms when she was really living with me she just made it look like she was living with her mom when the court ordered probation department came to check. I dropped her off at her moms right before the check, and picked her up right after that court ordered check of her moms house. And this is a real shocker, the judge already thinks her 2 kids lived with me when he had a visit in private with the 2 kids and the child guardian. During that visit with her 2 kids and the judge, the child guardian came out in the waiting room and asked me "Do I live with the kids? because the judge seems to think the kids live with you". I said no because I was in love and I did not want to ruin my relationship at that time so I lied, but I was not under oath this was in the waiting room of the family court. I had nothing to do with that case with her other 2 kids I was just giving her and her 2 kids a ride there but the child guardian came out of the meeting with the judge and asked me that I was pretty shocked really. I already wrote a detailed letter a few weeks ago to the judge about her lying under oath in his court and many other things, but never heard anything back at all yet so I don’t know if that was the right thing to do or not. Does it take allot of time for the judge to read my letter, and will I hear something back at least good or bad?

Also I am already turned her in for neglect and abuse because of what she did with her other 2 children (age 3 and 4), she locked them behind a baby gate all day long when she lived with me and called it baby jail. She only to let them out for bathroom (only one is potty trained, the other has diapers and she rarely changed the diapers, I have seen bad rashes on both her kids because she did not properly bath them also), they even ate in their room most of the time, the room was very very messy because of her letting them eat in there unsupervised they made a real mess, she maybe cleaned their room once or twice in 6 months, and absolute mess. Also my my babies mother who is 28, has a brother who is 8 years old and she has physically threatened him many times (I have text messages even where she says she is going to kill him if he touches her kids again). I filed a report and gave a statement about this neglect abuse with a NY State Police Investigator about a month ago and I have also informed CPS.

One thing that really has me worried is she was raped by her uncle when she was 12 and her or her family never turned her uncle in. She talks about killing this uncle all the time. I really worry the most about this, my future daughter could be living with people that have covered up a rape of their own daughter because it was a family member that raped her.

I recommend against trying to get custody by telling a judge "she lied to you before when she said my home was livable. Yes, I knowingly lied to the court myself to help perpetuate this deception."

Again, you are presently a legal stranger to the child.

Until you establish paternity in a court of law, she can do whatever she wishes with the child.... and you can't say a single thing about it.

Being honest here, the best thing that you can do at this time is to keep your mouth shut and let your atty handle things. Telling the judge that you were a party to the deception isn't going to help your case.

Also, talk to your attorney to find out if there is a presumption of paternity in New York that may or may not affect you being able to prove paternity. From what I'm reading, since she is married, this could very well go either way.

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Quoting cyjeff

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I recommend against trying to get custody by telling a judge "she lied to you before when she said my home was livable. Yes, I knowingly lied to the court myself to help perpetuate this deception."

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Thanks and point taken. But I already wrote the judge that information about her lying in my letter to the judge about her other custody case for her other 2 kids (this was before I even had a paternity case with this judge). I assume that was a big mistake on my part I just made by telling the judge that in my letter? I was hoping contempt of court or perjury charges could be brought against her if she lied under oath is why I brought that up in the letter.

And I actually have 2 paternity cases open in 2 different counties, one is where I live, and the other is in the county she lives in at her moms. Long story, but the judge basically told me during the ex-parte family offense hearing to file a second paternity in his court, even though he said he could not give me advice. He asked me why I did not file in his court to begin with, in the county she lived in if I knew she was already going to court here. I said that is because I live in a different county and thought it would be best to file there until I found out she could have it transfered after baby was born. The judge then said why don't I file another paternity in his court now. So I did. And that is where I'm at now I have 2 paternity cases open and I know I need paternity established before I have any rights at all to the child.

How long normally does it take after paternity is established (and baby is born) before I get visits with my child?

I told the judge I do not want a DNA test because I know the child is mine, he asked me are you sure, and I said yes I was with her all the time there is no possible way its someone else's.

I plan on filing a custody/visitation petition on the day the baby is born whether or not paternity is established by then.

I really do appreciate the explanations and advice.

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Quoting mamabear2102003

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Also, talk to your attorney to find out if there is a presumption of paternity in New York that may or may not affect you being able to prove paternity. From what I'm reading, since she is married, this could very well go either way.

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Yes, from what I understand the husband is the assumed father of the child, he would be responsible for child support and everything at this point, but he lives 12 hours away and has no access. The husband has been served and is a part of the paternity case, I also sent him a no-access form the judge had my get from Social Services but I don't think he will get it filled out and back to me on time for the court case. They are also legally separated.

I don't have an attorney, I want to ask for one to be appointed but was not sure if I should ask for one in a paternity case, I know the child is mine without a doubt. I do plan on getting an attorney for the custody visitation part when it comes to that.

No, you don't know the child is yours without a doubt unless of course you were with her 24/7.

An attorney will not be appointed by the court for a civil case.

It can take quite a while for a case to be heard, depending on the caseload of the court itself. 6-9 months is NOT unusual in New York and..of course, by that point, Mom has established status quo. Also, because there is a husband involved yours could easily take longer.

What letter to the judge?

Judges are legally barred from reading ex parte communications of that nature.

And paternity will not be established before the child is actually born.

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Quoting ssardinajr

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Thanks and point taken. But I already wrote the judge that information about her lying in my letter to the judge about her other custody case for her other 2 kids (this was before I even had a paternity case with this judge). I assume that was a big mistake on my part I just made by telling the judge that in my letter? I was hoping contempt of court or perjury charges could be brought against her if she lied under oath is why I brought that up in the letter.

And I actually have 2 paternity cases open in 2 different counties, one is where I live, and the other is in the county she lives in at her moms. Long story, but the judge basically told me during the ex-parte family offense hearing to file a second paternity in his court, even though he said he could not give me advice. He asked me why I did not file in his court to begin with, in the county she lived in if I knew she was already going to court here. I said that is because I live in a different county and thought it would be best to file there until I found out she could have it transfered after baby was born. The judge then said why don't I file another paternity in his court now. So I did. And that is where I'm at now I have 2 paternity cases open and I know I need paternity established before I have any rights at all to the child.

How long normally does it take after paternity is established (and baby is born) before I get visits with my child?

I told the judge I do not want a DNA test because I know the child is mine, he asked me are you sure, and I said yes I was with her all the time there is no possible way its someone else's.
I plan on filing a custody/visitation petition on the day the baby is born whether or not paternity is established by then.

I really do appreciate the explanations and advice.



Yes, from what I understand the husband is the assumed father of the child, he would be responsible for child support and everything at this point, but he lives 12 hours away and has no access. The husband has been served and is a part of the paternity case, I also sent him a no-access form the judge had my get from Social Services but I don't think he will get it filled out and back to me on time for the court case. They are also legally separated.

I don't have an attorney, I want to ask for one to be appointed but was not sure if I should ask for one in a paternity case, I know the child is mine without a doubt. I do plan on getting an attorney for the custody visitation part when it comes to that.

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At the risk of sounding like a mother here.... You need the paternity test! (this isn't legal advice, this is common sense... sorry). If you're going to go to all this trouble to establish paternity, why would you not do one? What would you do if, in several years, mom tells you 'oops, I forgot to tell you about the other guy that MIGHT be the father?' I know of a lot of young fathers that didn't have a doubt....... until later. Honestly, slow down and do this the right way, in the best interest of all involved, both now and in the future. The small cost now is well worth the certainty going forward.

But... she would cheat on her husband with ME, but wouldn't cheat on ME!!!

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Quoting Dogmatique

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No, you don't know the child is yours without a doubt unless of course you were with her 24/7.

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I was basically there 24/7, I was not working at the time she got pregnant, it was after she first moved in with me. Right between Thanksgiving and Christmas, everything was perfect then the baby really was made out of love but now it has turned all wrong.

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Quoting Dogmatique

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An attorney will not be appointed by the court for a civil case.

It can take quite a while for a case to be heard, depending on the caseload of the court itself. 6-9 months is NOT unusual in New York and..of course, by that point, Mom has established status quo. Also, because there is a husband involved yours could easily take longer.

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I know she has a court appointed attorney for her custody case with her husband, she and her husband both have a court appointed attorney.

This is in upstate NY north of Albany so maybe it will be faster I hope, and I started the first paternity case in June. The summons does say if she does not appear up an order of filiation will be placed on her behalf and a warrant will be placed for her arrest. I know her paternity case with her husband took only a few months because I took her to court and even the DNA test. They did a DNA test because her husband requested and she was married to another guy before her current husband, why they needed paternity established for one of his kids.

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Quoting Dogmatique

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What letter to the judge?

Judges are legally barred from reading ex parte communications of that nature.

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I wrote a letter to the judge and sent a copy to both her and her husband so it was not ex-parte (I attached notarized affidavits of service by mail to the letter), the court clerk told me to do this when I told her I wanted to voice my concerns about her lying to the court and her neglect and abuse I had witnessed with her kids. This letter was about her custody case with her husband over her other 2 kids. I voiced my concerns about her lying to the court and some of the things I had witnessed her do with her kids while she lived with me.

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Quoting cyjeff

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But... she would cheat on her husband with ME, but wouldn't cheat on ME!!!

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They were legally separated for almost 2 years, and she just could not afford a divorce and her husband keeps saying he is going to but never did it. If I was not 100% sure about im the father I would not say I did not want a DNA test. We also did not use protection and she wanted a child with me from the beginning. I would say its a big mistake but I'm happy to have a daughter on the way but wish it was not under such bad circumstances. If she were still with me I would have never questioned a court about who the father of the child was why I said I dont need a DNA test. It would be nice to see the DNA results, but I dont want to delay being with my daughter any longer than I have to.

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Quoting mamabear2102003

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At the risk of sounding like a mother here.... You need the paternity test! (this isn't legal advice, this is common sense... sorry). If you're going to go to all this trouble to establish paternity, why would you not do one? What would you do if, in several years, mom tells you 'oops, I forgot to tell you about the other guy that MIGHT be the father?' I know of a lot of young fathers that didn't have a doubt....... until later. Honestly, slow down and do this the right way, in the best interest of all involved, both now and in the future. The small cost now is well worth the certainty going forward.

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point taken, I am going to seriously think about letting them do a DNA test, the judge did say he would do one before I said I was sure the baby was mine. It would be nice to be sure. I was with her just about 24/7 though, the only time she was not with me when she went to visit her mom and I dropped her off and picked her up right after. We did everything together it was one of those love at first meet type of things.