Yes, contact the mother first. I guarantee that if the first the mother hears from you is through papers served to her by the sheriff, it will NOT be pretty. Talk to her alone, without the child, and see how receptive she is to allowing you into the child's life. Make sure you ask HER what SHE thinks is the best way to go about it, and reiterate the fact that you want to do what's best for the CHILD. Leave YOUR thoughts and emotions out of it. If you want Mom to work with you, then like pp said, you really need to kiss her butt and give HER all of the power (which she really has anyway). The hardest part is going to be convincing her that you are not going to just disappear out of the child's life again once you are a part of it. This will be Mom's biggest concern - the WORST thing you could do for the child would be to enter his life and then exit again.
Entering a Child's Life After Twelve Year Absence
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06-25-2010, 08:03 AMsillystringRe: Not Sure That I Need to Go to Court
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06-25-2010, 08:49 AMJHwkinKSRe: Not Sure That I Need to Go to CourtRight right. This is kind of going from legal advice to general advice...but anyway. I was originally going to call, ask her to meet me somewhere like a coffee shop, but some folks suggested email or letter with my phone number, so that way the ball is in her court. If I hear nothing after a month I'd send another letter, and maybe do it one or two more times after that (3 or 4 total). It would be at that point, after hearing nothing back, I wasn't sure if I should then use the courts.Quote:
Quoting sillystring
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06-25-2010, 06:48 PMCourtClerkRe: Not Sure That I Need to Go to CourtA little bit of real life advice. I'm going to suggest you do ANYTHING but this...Quote:
Quoting JHwkinKS
I've BTDT and I can tell you the conversation that came from it was nothing nice. How DARE you come suggesting "what's best for him" when you don't even KNOW him and haven't seen him since before he's even held his own bottle???? You're asking for trouble and her to get SUPER DEFENSIVE if you go that route. You need to keep the conversation to one akin to touching bases with your childhood best friend that you haven't seen in 20 years. -
06-26-2010, 07:53 PMJHwkinKSRe: Not Sure That I Need to Go to CourtSo when you say you've experienced this do you mean you knew, was absent, then tried to get in contact?Quote:
Quoting CourtClerk
I've talked with a friend of mine who's kind of the authority on child custody (he's always fighting for his) and he thinks my phone call will be welcome. I don't know that I share his optimism but it's definitely a morale booster. -
06-26-2010, 08:03 PMDogmatiqueRe: Not Sure That I Need to Go to Court
Frankly I think your friend is telling you what he thinks you want to hear.
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06-26-2010, 09:37 PMmamabear2102003Re: Entering a Child's Life After Twelve Year Absence
I agree with Dog. 'Nuff said on my part.
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06-27-2010, 06:45 AMLawResearcherMissyRe: Entering a Child's Life After Twelve Year Absence
Concur with CC, Doggie and Mom.
Frankly, I'd be PISSED if the father of my child was absent for twelve years, leaving me to fend for myself and my son, then waltzed in after all of the hardest work was done with some lame excuse about "not knowing" how to help take care of the child, and thinking he was going to "express concern" about "what's best for him" and start making changes.
Nothing I would say to him is repeatable in polite company. Except perhaps "Drop dead."
You have absolutely no idea about what's best for someone you don't even know. Donating half the kid's genetic material might make you the father, but it doesn't make you Dad. Dad is the guy who rocks the child at 4AM to try to soothe his colic, not the one who runs away for twelve years, and comes back later with a boo-hoo tale and wants to make himself feel better.
Your friend is doing you a terrible disservice, but try not to be too mad at him when things are not sunshine, rainbows and unicorns. He's just trying to make you feel better about your inaction.
I think the judge will tell you that you're an ass, and laugh you out of his courtroom for even THINKING that your little fantasy will come to pass. You haven't a leg to stand on.Quote:
I hate to think that I show up 12 years late and then say "I don't want him to be homeschooled. He's going to get a good education and if that means he has to live with us then I'll make it happen." I mean she's done all the work and then I just rip him out the only home he's known? Seems kind of cold hearted to me. Anyway, thoughts?
You need to get with the Reality Program, bub. Your role in the child's life is not that of decision maker. Right now, you are no one to him. Custody is right out. You need to tell Mom "Look, I've been a child. I want to help support our son and get to know him. I'm sorry." Then you get to take what the court allows you to have - and at this late stage, it's not going to be much more than supervised, graduated visitation. -
06-27-2010, 07:19 AMmamabear2102003Re: Entering a Child's Life After Twelve Year Absence
Thanks LRM for being so eloquent. I wrote and rewrote a response, and finally decided that there was no way that I could respond without a whole lotta 'tude on my part.
To the OP, honestly, reread the responses you've gotten before talking to mom. Your initial contact will set the path for everything going forward. Might want to rethink the comments from your friend, cause I can guarantee you that your contact, interjected with what you think is best for a child that you don't even know is NOT going to be appreciated. -
06-28-2010, 07:10 AMLawResearcherMissyRe: Entering a Child's Life After Twelve Year AbsenceI dunno about eloquent, Mom, but I thank you all the same.Quote:
Thanks LRM for being so eloquent. I wrote and rewrote a response, and finally decided that there was no way that I could respond without a whole lotta 'tude on my part.
I really haven't any patience for genetic material donors who disappear for years on end, then think they're just going to stomp back in, pursue custody, and magically get what they want so they'll feel better about themselves and get to wear the (unearned) title of Mumsy/Daddy.
It's not about the best interests of the child at that point, it's about assuaging one's own guilty conscience, and I just think that's a load of horsepuckey. Thankfully for the kids with such sorry excuses for "parents", the courts agree. -
06-28-2010, 07:56 AMCourtClerkRe: Not Sure That I Need to Go to CourtNo, I mean I was the mother of the child who had the absent father who popped up 10 years later and then wanted to be superdad....Quote:
Quoting JHwkinKS