Pursuing Child Support - No Relationship with Father

[librarian2006]

My question involves child support in the State of: SC

I am the mother of a 3-year-old little boy. He was conceived under circumstances that are quite embarrassing...His father and I did not know each other well and were together only once. He moved out of state before I even knew that I was pregnant and I later discovered that he was, in fact, married. I contacted him regarding my pregnancy as soon as I found out. He initially told me that he was interested in being involved and asked if I needed help, money, etc. I said no, but that I wanted to stay in touch. We corresponded one additional time through email regarding some medical issues and he quit answering my messages. After giving birth, I sent him pictures monthly, but eventually emailed him and told him that I would not be contacting him again unless my son asked in the future. He is not listed on the birth certificate (my son has my last name).

Over the past few months, I have begun to question my decision to avoid pursuing child support and paternity verification. The father is currently stationed overseas. I am anxious about filing for support because I am scared of the repercussions...I cannot afford a lawyer at this time, so I hope that this is an appropriate forum to ask a few questions before I go any further.

Following are my questions:

If I were to pursue child support, would it be best to contact him directly first or go straight through DSS?

Would I be required to pay for paternity testing or would the cost be split?

I am terrified that if I were to pursue child support, he would file for shared custody just to spite me. If he were interested in having a relationship with my son, I would be completely in agreement, but what are the guidelines for establishing a relationship, especially when the father is stationed overseas/out of state?

Would he be able to petition to have my son's last name changed?

Would there be repercussions for him as an enlisted military personnel (as far as adultry, etc. are concerned?)

Would my son have to be covered by his insurance? I work for the state of SC and we have full coverage insurance.

I really appreciate any information that anybody has to offer.

[Dogmatique]

My question involves child support in the State of: SC

I am the mother of a 3-year-old little boy. He was conceived under circumstances that are quite embarrassing...His father and I did not know each other well and were together only once. He moved out of state before I even knew that I was pregnant and I later discovered that he was, in fact, married. I contacted him regarding my pregnancy as soon as I found out. He initially told me that he was interested in being involved and asked if I needed help, money, etc. I said no, but that I wanted to stay in touch. We corresponded one additional time through email regarding some medical issues and he quit answering my messages. After giving birth, I sent him pictures monthly, but eventually emailed him and told him that I would not be contacting him again unless my son asked in the future. He is not listed on the birth certificate (my son has my last name).

Over the past few months, I have begun to question my decision to avoid pursuing child support and paternity verification. The father is currently stationed overseas. I am anxious about filing for support because I am scared of the repurcussions...I cannot afford a lawyer at this time, so I hope that this is an appropriate forum to ask a few questions before I go any further.

Following are my questions:

If I were to pursue child support, would it be best to contact him directly first or go straight through DSS?

You need to file in court - but if he is deployed you really won't be able to do much until he's back home. He is fairly well protected from family law matters being decided during his absence.

Would I be required to pay for paternity testing or would the cost be split?

that really does depend on the circumstances.

I am terrified that if I were to pursue child support, he would file for shared custody just to spite me. If he were interested in having a relationship with my son, I would be completely in agreement, but what are the guidelines for establishing a relationship, especially when the father is stationed overseas/out of state?

He's entitled to share custody with you (at the very least, shared legal custody) - but very simply, his military duties generally won't be held against him for custody matters. It does, however, drastically reduce his chances of obtaining physical custody (in fact it's virtually impossible for him to get physical custody).

Would he be able to petition to have my son's last name changed?

Yes, he can.

Would there be repercussions for him as an enlisted military personnel (as far as adultry, etc. are concerned?)

Yes there may be repercussions. But this is NOT a tactic I recommend - it serves no purpose whatsoever other than to hurt him (and essentially, hurt your child).

[librarian2006]

Thanks for your quick response. Re: the custody...I guess my main concern is that I would be required to turn my son over to him for visitation before he knows him well enough. I don't even really know him that well...

Also, I asked the question regarding adultry because I honestly do not want for him to get in trouble as a result of this situation and am concerned about what may happen when his wife finds out. I am absolutely trying to do what is best for my child.

Thanks again!

[distressedmom]

File for support through your state child support agency. They will have to get him served and once they do the courts can order DNA tests to prove paternity. After that is done they will order support. I was concerned over prepercussions for years.

If he fights for custody then you can explain your concerns to the judge. Given the father's past behavior you can request supervised, or stair-stepped visitation because this guy is a stranger to your child.

[Dogmatique]

File for support through your state child support agency. They will have to get him served and once they do the courts can order DNA tests to prove paternity. After that is done they will order support. I was concerned over prepercussions for years.

If he fights for custody then you can explain your concerns to the judge. Given the father's past behavior you can request supervised, or stair-stepped visitation because this guy is a stranger to your child.

And because he is military there absolutely WILL be a DNA paternity test. Whether or not support will be ordered isn't a given at this point actually...

There's nothing to justify supervised visitation at this point though a graduated visitation scheduled would be most likely.

[librarian2006]

File for support through your state child support agency. They will have to get him served and once they do the courts can order DNA tests to prove paternity. After that is done they will order support. I was concerned over prepercussions for years.

If he fights for custody then you can explain your concerns to the judge. Given the father's past behavior you can request supervised, or stair-stepped visitation because this guy is a stranger to your child.

If you were concerned about repercussions, what eventually prompted you to file for support? At this point, I don't know if I'm ready. I mean, what if he decides that he wants to have his last name changed and then isn't even involved? I would be so disappointed (he's named after my father, so he's the II). I know it sounds totally nuts, but I'm worried he'll get really angry at me for interfering in his life and do something to negatively affect my son. On the other hand, maybe this would encourage him to be more involved...I just don't know. I am really struggling financially and I just don't think it's fair to my son if there is money out there that could improve his quality of life.

And because he is military there absolutely WILL be a DNA paternity test. Whether or not support will be ordered isn't a given at this point actually...

There's nothing to justify supervised visitation at this point though a graduated visitation scheduled would be most likely.

I would assume that under any circumstances, military or not, a paternity test would be ordered if there is no father listed on the birth certificate? And I was under the impression that when the DNA test verifies him as the father, he must pay child support. Is this incorrect?

What's the difference between graduated and supervised? You don't believe that the fact that he is a stranger would be enough to justify supervised visitation in the beginning? I would have to drop my child off (or take him on a plane) to someone that he doesn't know? This is exactly what I lose sleep about at night.

[jacksmom]

I wouldn't worry too much about getting him into trouble. That's his problem. You are entitled to support, so I would go get it. He will have to ask for the name change. May or may not be granted. Since he is married, I don't see him putting up much of a fight for custody or visitation.

[Dogmatique]

I would assume that under any circumstances, military or not, a paternity test would be ordered if there is no father listed on the birth certificate? And I was under the impression that when the DNA test verifies him as the father, he must pay child support. Is this incorrect?

Yes, that's incorrect. There's no automatic obligation. Establishing paternity does not in and of itself result in an order or obligation for child support.

What's the difference between graduated and supervised? You don't believe that the fact that he is a stranger would be enough to justify supervised visitation in the beginning? I would have to drop my child off (or take him on a plane) to someone that he doesn't know? This is exactly what I lose sleep about at night.

Supervised: someone else is present during visitation.

Graduated: No supervision necessary, but NCP has child alone for short periods of time, gradually leading up to longer periods and eventually overnights and perhaps entire weeks during holidays.