Pending Green Card, Infidelity and Divorce

[TheUsed]

I married my wife in good faith in May 2007, she is a US Citizen, approximately 1 month before my OPT work permit expired. We both agreed that it was for the best and that way I could get started on working again for us as soon as possible and that she and I wouldn't have to be separated from each other. We were both very much in love.

During our marriage there was a long wait for the work permit to get approved so I was unemployed and she was working for us, my mother would send support money every month and I had some savings and credit cards. Her Biological father is the affidavit of support but we've never asked him for money, we promised him we wouldn't burden him.

Once I got the permit I got hold of a job about 2 weeks afterward. I held this job for approximately 4 months before being terminated. I proceeded to hunt for another job during this time. My wife had problems at her work place , infact she had an affair with a coworker :/ a kiss was involved but she had infatuation with him. It occured once, I gathered from her chat history to friends, she soon found him to be a jerk after I confronted her about it. Problems persisted and eventually she quit her job while I was still unemployed. During this time the debt mounted. She finally found a job after 2 months, I still could not. She wanted me to work closeby and within her schedule since she did not have a drivers license or a vehicle. She also did not approve of me working at any low end jobs like fast food chains "I don't want to tell my family my husband works at a fast food chain". I graduated with a BS in Computer Science.

During our Interview in July, the officers required further evidence such as bankstatements and photos. We sent those in. Showing all our income being deposited into a joint account.

I made the mistake of forgetting when the EAD permit expired, I saw it in NOVEMBER, and the expiration was for NOVEMBER. By this time we were deeply in debt and living paycheck to paycheck. We could not afford the 340 fee. I saw a clause that stated something about not having to pay again if we filed in July 30 2007, which I thought thats what our receipt said. After sending it in once in November we got no reply, I sent in another copy in December and got a reply , they stated I needed to pay. We still didn't have the money.

During this time I fell into a deep depression. We both seemed to still love each other, we celebrated her birthday, went to inlaws for Thanksgiving, celebrated Xmas, my birthday in January.

I first noticed signs of trouble on Valentine's Day. At first I was saying we couldn't really afford roses.... and we sure couldn't but the side of me that loved her said, get them. I finally got them for her and she didn't seem so enthused about them, she said I only got them because I thought I had to. Yes I thought I had to show her I loved her and that VDay was important.

It would be later that I found out she was talking to other guys online on this very day.

Cutting to the chase a bit. She left for a weekend "sleepover" get together with female coworkers. I got worried that she didn't come back the next day. I drove around, knocked on doors etc. I finally checked her computer and in the saved texts she had agreed to meet up with some guys before this. I confronted her and she admitted to had having sex the night before and that she had "met somone". She said she wanted a divorce.

I did many things after this, many of them revolving around asking her to give me another chance, to stay with me , dinner dates etc. I went out the next day after finding out and got working gigs to pay for it all. I truly loved her. She has kept on the infidelity, I told her I did not condone it. She has since packed up all her things into boxes, half of it has been moved to this guys place. She hasn't slept in the apartment in about 1 1/2 weeks but she says she'll be back this wednesday. She says she is in love and part of the reason she is leaving was because of my financial instability. She paid half of last months rent but has kept the rest of her paycheck. There is no guarantee she will pay the upcoming rents even though she is co signed.

In Virginia, a 1 year separation is required before filing for no fault divorce. Without kids it can be reduced to 6 months? I have since applied for my work permit. Have done two infopass appointments to check on the GC, it is in EXTENDED REVIEW. I still love my wife and hope in some way we can still get back together, I do not want a divorce, I saw a future with her and it is hard to give that up. I am depressed and both angry and sad. I am angry that she is continuing the affair. We cannot reconcile as long as it continues.

Is there a way to move states to prevent the separation and divorce law? California has no separation law? Can I or should I file for Fault Divorce? I have proof of logged emails and messages. I've yet to hire an investigator. I have the car description and license plate of the "other guy".

I intend to get the Green Card, in order to be successful in USA to prove to her that we can make it and have a chance to be with her. Is there anyway to remove the conditions as well? What about the rent and bills issues? I have CC bills that were incurred due to both our spending and unemployment. I don't know why the AOS is in extended review and was told it could go on indefinitely. I also was considering joining the military with a conditional Green Card, what would this entail if I am divorced while still conditional and part of the military?

I've contacted an Immigration Lawyer but I've yet to retain them and sit down and talk about things, we've talked briefly over the phone and they said that conditions can be removed after a divorce but I do not know under what criteria.

[Mr. Knowitall]

Why do you want to wait for a no-fault divorce? Infidelity constitutes fault. In relation to divorce, the principal issue is that you entered the marriage in good faith.

With no disrespect intended, the odds overwhelmingly say that you're not going to win this woman back. Move on with your life. If she comes back to you in the future and you're still interested, great. But right now, hoping she'll decide you really are her one true love is only going to make you miserable.

[TheUsed]

Why do you want to wait for a no-fault divorce? Infidelity constitutes fault. In relation to divorce, the principal issue is that you entered the marriage in good faith.

With no disrespect intended, the odds overwhelmingly say that you're not going to win this woman back. Move on with your life. If she comes back to you in the future and you're still interested, great. But right now, hoping she'll decide you really are her one true love is only going to make you miserable.

Thank you for your reply. I do not intend to wait for a no fault divorce. I intend to continue my life and in particular my career. I am in no hurry to remarry and so I do not need a divorce. When it comes down to it, she will likely be the one to apply for a no fault divorce, when that happens I will have no choice but to counter sue with a FAULT divorce based on infidelity. I will have to make it known that this failure in marriage is not my fault (there is no justification for infidelity). As of right now I do not hope for an immediate reconciliation. I am busy putting my affairs and career in order. I am not following her or asking her to come back anymore. She will do what she will.

Things are complicated by Immigration and it is not as simple as just moving on and divorcing someone. There is still time for both of us to be seperated and contemplate out lives. She might have given up on us but up until the day I was wholly still married to her and loved her.

I now believe that my wife has a disorder. I've always known she had issues but it was never diagnosed or classified. I thought love could see us thru any problems she had. I read this post on another forum. It described my situation nearly to a "Tee".


"I met Jenna in 2006, and in January 2007 we moved in together. At the time I was under F1 status (I was a graduate student). We got married in May 2008 and I finished school in August 2008 with absolutely no luck to get a job in this horrendous recession (so far i have applied to approx. 7000 jobs and still nothing). We were forced to move with her parents and applied for my green card in December. In January she was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder) and things started getting extremely crazy with her.

She secretly started cheating on me with someone she met in January and one day in February she woke up and told me I had to go back to my country. I asked for the reason and she confessed that she was cheating on me. After this she devastated me, that day I felt like my soul had left my body, but it was only the beginning of the revelation of how nasty she can be, she completely transformed herself. Regardless of me asking her to stop hurting me and think about how we could get over the cheating problem, she started doing it in an even more sadistic way, making sure that I knew that she was not coming back home at night because she was going to sleep with another. She even sent me text messages late at night saying that she would not come back home because she was staying at her lover's. My anxiety levels are at the top right now, and at this point stress is making me sick. I have tried everything to try to get her back, but I guess her mental disorder has somehow made her hate me now.

But right now I am very scared, especially about my immigration process, I don't know what to do. If I file for divorce I would become eligible for deportation as my status has not been changed yet (I haven't even got a temporary working permit yet which has made things worse financially), and I still need to sell my car which I owe to the bank, and it's not easy in the current economy crisis. I don't want to leave the divorce on her hands because now I am afraid of her and can't trust her so if I do it I have to be on top of it. I really don't know how I can release myself from this nightmare she has given me. She's now determined to force me to leave the U.S. and destroy my life in these conditions, without any remorse.

Please HELP ME!!!"


BPD

"While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day.5 These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse. Distortions in cognition and sense of self can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, gender identity, and values. Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally bad, or unworthy. They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are. Such symptoms are most acute when people with BPD feel isolated and lacking in social support, and may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone.

People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all. Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments.

People with BPD exhibit other impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending, binge eating and risky sex. BPD often occurs together with other psychiatric problems, particularly bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and other personality disorders."

My wife mirrors all these things except for self cutting (as far as I've seen). A friend of mine says the bulemia nervosa is often a precursor to cutting. I loved her thru all these problems and I still love and care about her. But that isn't totally why I'm posting here. I needed to know the legal choices I had regarding my relationship.

Up until the last moment when I confronted her, she was a loving caring person. Things did not deteriorate like other marriages might.

[TheUsed]

Why do you want to wait for a no-fault divorce? Infidelity constitutes fault. In relation to divorce, the principal issue is that you entered the marriage in good faith.

What more can I do to prove that this marriage was in good faith. Here are the circumstances. We barely have any property jointly owned on paper due to our financial circumstances and many things I did not at the time see as being crucial.

-The apartment lease is signed by both of us, the renewal as well.

-I have some of her mail that was sent to our address.

-utility bills are all in my name. I was living alone before and she was living with her parents. When we moved in together I just kept my accounts.

- I tried to put her on my car insurance once, but they stated they needed her driver's license. She still doesn't have one. I've driven her around EVERYWHERE she needed to go. Doesn't this constitute some sort of cohabitation and interdependence? I've driven her to and back from work 2 hours each way for a while, as of a month ago I was picking her up from her work for her 2+ hour lunch breaks everyday.

-Our car is under my name only on the title because my mother was paying for most of it and insisted that it was in my name only (I'm sure she was concerned about assets being split if something happened), I had to take the deal because at the time we needed a car really badly, we were in a rental and had no other car.

-All our income was deposited into my one account. Our deposit checks have both our names on it. I had thought I put her on it as a joint owner before but now I'm not sure if that is what was accomplished. Everything we spent money on came from this account. Only a few months ago I wanted to give her a feeling of how to budget and independence since she was earning most of the money. We got her a sole checking account and visa card. The income checks were still deposited into our account.

- She had free use of my credit cards and ordered several things off the internet with it. She knows the passcode on the debit card as well. I do not have as of yet the invoices for these purchases.

What more can I do? Doesn't it defeat the purpose of it all if I now add her to the utility bills, or add her to my car title, insurance etc?

My mother was in the works of buying us a home to live in, albeit it would be under her name only. It was to be her investment in real estate but it would help us out financially in that we wouldn't have to pay rent anymore. My wife knew and I have several emails and messages documenting this discussion.

Thank you very much.

[Dogmatique]

You really absolutely need to speak with an immigration attorney, or at the very least a family attorney with knowledge of immigration matters.

Yes, your status here is precarious and you need more help than (despite the amazing help of senior volunteers here) can be provided on a message board.

To answer your question on military options, generally speaking you cannot join any US forces unless you have full, legal permanent residency. There are very limited exceptions; examples can be found https://ask.usarec.army.mil/forums/t...ssageID=240947.

Please contact an attorney, and good luck.

[TheUsed]

I would respectfully like to request the ability to edit some of this post. Some details have to either be removed. I will try to keep most of the relevant items for future readers.