Will Restraining Order Stick to My Sociopathic Husband

[hollyhobbie]

My question involves restraining orders in the State of: New Jersey

My husband has been hanging some old traffic warrants over my head. It should have been cleared up a long time ago but I never had the money to do it. Ever since I told him about it (he's known for about a year or two) he's been threatening me with it. If I threatened to leave him he would threaten me with that. If we were arguing he would tell me if I didn't calm down he was going to call the police. Not to have them mediate the situation but to turn me in.

He tried to force himself on me while I was intoxicated (just a night out with friends, no history and the kids were not home) and was accusing me of cheating. It wasn't like something you saw on the movies but I did not want to be touched and he knew that...I wasn't that intoxicated.When we went to go pick up our kids I didn't go back with him...he was scaring me and I knew it was going to get out of hand. I stayed for three days. I came home to get clothes, documents and money because I was going back to my mother's. I had to wait for him to bring home the money (I had to lie and say I had bills to pay). He asked me where his air mattress was and that it had better not be at my mothers. It was and he demanded that I go get it. I went to do just that. I asked him why we just couldn't go our separate ways. He said I could get the F out, never come back, and good luck doing that with 1480.00. I left my kids with him, paid the bond he was holding over me and got a restraining order against him to get him out of the house. I could have just went back to my mother's with my kids but she has no heat, no hot water, no cooking gas just not a good environment for my children. I am no angel. In the beginning of our relationship I was known to tear stuff up. Not so much to intimidate, but to defend myself. Something like a trapped raccoon. But as soon as my daughter was born it stopped on my part, and when I got pregnant with my son I went into counseling because I was convinced 100% of the problems in our marriage was my fault. He never did until he was mandated by the court to do so, and even then he didn't do it. He tricked me into thinking he didn't have an anger problem and I told the counselor everything was fine...I know it was dumb but he had me brainwashed.

Of course when the police came to have him removed he started yelling "warrant". The police told him to stop badgering me and to get his stuff.

Here is my concern: I want the restraining order to stick because he didn't hit me this time. Is this enough for the court to issue a permanent restraining order until the divorce is final?

Last thing.....
when we first met he told me his shady story about him being accused of rape. That a girl set him up and lied on him, but it just so happened he had a video tape of the consentual sex act (how convenient!). The police arrested him, and brought him to the police station. He claims he called his mother, told her to get this tape, and bring it to the police station. So him, the police and his mother all watch this video tape. Obviously the police let him go because the tape explained it all! He also has this bee-bee gun that looks like a real hand pistol. I didn't think nothing of it, a lot people have those. Until I did a search last night online and found pictures posted of him posing with it. I mean if you're a non-violent person why would you want to pose with a hand gun, fake or not then post it on the web?


I know one has no bearing on the other but I just wanted give a background and get some feedback on that rape story

[Mr. Knowitall]

Divorce the loser, and use your share of the marital estate to pay off your fines.

[aardvarc]

My question involves restraining orders in the State of: New Jersey

My husband has been hanging some old traffic warrants over my head. It should have been cleared up a long time ago but I never had the money to do it. Ever since I told him about it (he's known for about a year or two) he's been threatening me with it. If I threatened to leave him he would threaten me with that. If we were arguing he would tell me if I didn't calm down he was going to call the police. Not to have them mediate the situation but to turn me in.

No other reason TO call police. Police do NOT mediate, especially in domestic violence cases. They make arrests. The very old days of police telling people to cool off and take a walk around the block are VERY much over.

I could have just went back to my mother's with my kids but she has no heat, no hot water, no cooking gas just not a good environment for my children.

Very smart choice. The last thing you'd want to add on top of everything else is him calling Child Protective Services and telling them the kids are in such an environment.

I was convinced 100% of the problems in our marriage was my fault.

That's the strongest tool an abuser has - they don't have to do much really, just get you to believe that if YOU change or work harder, then somehow everything will be ok. It takes a while to figure out that no matter how hard ONE person works at things, it takes BOTH sides for any meaningful change.

He never did until he was mandated by the court to do so, and even then he didn't do it.

There's your sign.

Here is my concern: I want the restraining order to stick because he didn't hit me this time. Is this enough for the court to issue a permanent restraining order until the divorce is final?

Only the particular judge you see on the particular day in question can answer that. There are things in restraining order cases that help you make a strong case, and things that make judges roll their eyes and move on to the next case. Like police reports; if a person doesn't have one, regardless of the reason (like the warrant) the credibility of their story is seriously damaged right off the bat. Right or wrong, politically correct or not, judges usually don't buy stories of contining abuse, especially physical abuse, unless there's a police report, and preferably more than one, or, a non-involved witness like a neighbor, passerby, etc. If you've already taken care of the warrant issue, then just be honest and say "I had these fines and I was afraid to go to jail if I sought help about the abuse". Which STILL isn't going to impress some judges - who in no uncertain terms will say "regardless of hubby, the warrants shouldn't have been around to be used as leverage in the first place". All you can really do is present what you've got and see what the judge says.

I know one has no bearing on the other but I just wanted give a background and get some feedback on that rape story

There's not much to say on the rape story. Unless you've seen a copy of the police report or other info related to the case, you only have what HE told you to go by. Don't believe for a million years that the police sat down and him and his mother and watched the tape. Nope. He might have gotten off on the charges for any number of reasons, but there are some big non-truths in the telling.

[hollyhobbie]

Thank you so much for telling me that I am not crazy. That really means a lot.

I do have police reports. One from when he choked me out when I was about 9 months pregnant, and another from when punched me in the face. The first one is from about three years ago, and the last is from a year ago. There have been other incidents but there are no police reports...mainly because of how he was blackmailing me. I also have documentation from my therapist saying I am suffering from anxiety and depression due to him. I can also provide witness statements regarding coming to work with the black eye, and my emotional state and hospital records from the same incident. He also had a habit of snatching the phone wire out of the wall or taking the battery out of cell phones so I could not call police. The day he punched me I had lock the bedroom door and yell out the window to the neighbors to the police.

He put me through a lot.

[aardvarc]

There's a really common term in domestic violence; "crazy-making". It's the big combination of all the dynamics of abuse that make victims think they are 100% to blame, that no one would believe what has happened, that it's all their fault, that they can never get out, or have a healthy relationship, or that they have to stay because of the kids, or even that they are responsible for causing or provoking (and also stopping) the abuse, and so many more things. You're not crazy. You're just in a crazy situation.

Considering that your relationship has a history of violence, it's also vital that now that you're taking active steps to move away from the situation, that you realize that ANOTHER of the common dynamics of abuse is that the process of leaving an abusive relationship is THE most dangerous time. Just a little over 70% of victims killed by abusers are murdered within the first 6 months to a year AFTER leaving the abuser. Abusers freak out when they feel victims are trying to get out, and it gets even worse when they see actual steps taken (like getting a restraining order). Be very clear in knowing that while a restraining order is an important part of the process of self-protection, that at the end of the day it's only a piece of paper - and one that is really worthless to you UNTIL or UNLESS some incident happens that causes that order to kick in. Some abusers are fearful enough of jail or the courts to not violate orders, others get so clouded by anger and fear that they could care less about the consequences, and still others plan to FACE no consequences (thanks to the frequently seen murder-suicide where the abuser takes out BOTH parties). Please be aware of this dynamic, and respond accordingly. You can get help via your local domestic violence program, or get a head start by checking out a safety plan at http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/plan.shtml.

[hollyhobbie]

Yes I know this is a dangerous time. I am quite scared to be honest. I moved my car to my mother's so he won't know if I'm home. I found out today that he stopped the mail. When we go to the final hearing I will see what his state of mind is. I just may have to go into a shelter regardless of having a restraining order. The way I go to bed at night is unreal. My friend referred to it sleeping in a foxhole.

Also, he is not your typical meat head woman beater. He is not like Al Bundy, more like Ted Bundy. This is the reason why I added the tidbit about the rape. He also said that a woman took a restraining order out on him that he didn't know about. Then called him so she could call the police for him violating it. And his mother is always carrying on about "not liking the police" and that I should stop calling them because we are just going to work it out anyway. Things in his past are so disconnected and they don't make sense. And that is nothing thing that scares me.

Perhaps I should look more closely at the severity of the situation.

[PincheMK]

Uhm.. I'm new to this forum, and this definitely isn't my area of legal specialty, but what your husband was doing sounds like good old fashioned blackmail...In the context of a divorce, nastinesses like that are often settled fairly quickly and worked into the property settlement, where the person getting the "settlement" gets that much out of the other persons share of the community property...

Not sure how bad you want to make this shitball suffer, if at all, but if you do, i'd consult an attorney about that aspect of the situation as well..and I'd do it before the divorce is finalized because once you both go off with your seperate shares, a claim against him will be INFINITELY harder to collect on... In fact, from the sound of him, any claim against him after the property is divvied up will pretty much not be worth the paper its printed on...

Your welcome for the advice, i'll take 10% of your net gain from it...