[Bruno41]

My question involves criminal law for the state of: Illinois

I'm still in disbelief this has happened and I would appreciate any advice.

I am 41 yrs old and have lived with my 36 yr old girlfriend for 2 yrs. She is a very jealous person. This has led to many issues but nothing like this. We play darts on a league. We met at the bar (each coming from our jobs). From the moment she arrived she seemed to want a fight. I brought the way she was acting to her attention and she apologized, attributing it to a hard day at work. As alcohol entered the picture her behaviour became more and more abrasive, culminating in my leaving immediately after my last game and going home while she was playing her final. This was approximately 10pm. We live about 10 min from the bar.

Throughout the next hour I was left a half dozen accusatory, expletive laden voicemails. I finally answered and told her we can speak when she gets home and she was acting childish. The calls stopped and I fell asleep.

At 1:40am I was awoken by the noise of her getting home. She was banging things around and stumbling up to the bedroom. I had chosen to sleep in the spare bedroom. I usually do this when this jealousy/alcohol situation arises. She had some choice words before slamming the bedroom door.

I was unhappy about the entire thing and went into the bedroom to speak to her. She was slurring her words and muttering under her breath. I repeated that we needed to talk and pulled the covers off of her (she was fully clothed) backwards to the foot of the bed and onto the floor. The room was dark and I heard something bang against the far wall. Apparently she threw something at me.

In frustration I reiterated she wasn't going to sleep and went to the bathroom, filled a coffee cup with water, returned to the bedroom and poured it on her. She sprang up arms flailing and hitting me about the chest and head. I pushed her back onto the bed and walked back to the bathroom. She followed me into the bathroom, continuing to hit me, tearing my shirt and scratching my neck. I wrapped my arms around her and brought us both to a sitting position on the floor. She began kicking at me and, realizing this was going nowhere, I went back into the spare bedroom. She slammed a few more doors and went back to the bedroom, screaming and swearing in her drunken state the entire time. Showing very poor judgement I went back into the bedroom where she was sitting on the bed and smoking a cigarette. After a heated exchange of words, she hit me directly in the face. I looked at her in disbelief and turned to leave the room. She sat back down on the bed. At this point we're about 8-10' away from one another.

Bad choice on my part time.

I opened her dresser drawer, took out her pepper spray, proclaimed 'nobody is sleeping in here tonight' and sprayed it on to the floor of the room. Fumes filled the room, choking both of us. She opened the bedroom window. I went into the spare bedroom, opened that window and turned on a fan. She went into the bathroom and started washing her face. I went downstairs, opened the front door to let some air in and rinsed off my face in the kitchen.

She stormed down the stairs, grabbed her keys and left.

20 min later there were 5 officers in the living room. She had driven (while extremely intoxicated) to the Police station and claimed I attacked her.

I accompanied the police back to the station to sort things out. I wasn't cuffed or charged. I explained what happened and listened to what she claimed happened. I asked the officer if he noticed she was drunken and he told me in these circumstances it didn't matter. I asked him if he asked her if I had sprayed her in the face with pepper spray and he said he had but she "didn't remember".

I was arrested and charged with a misdemeanor domestic battery. An Order of Protection was issued until the court date, which i didn't contest. In her statement she says I poured water on her twice, threw her to the ground twice and sprayed her in the face with pepper spray.

The female assistant prosecutor was very hostile, even accusing me of lying. At the Bond hearing the judge read the complaint and asked if she had sought medical attention after being sprayed in the face. She hadn't.

Bond was set at 1500.00 but, due to not having any phone numbers to contact someone or my wallet, I was unable to post the 150.00 cash and spent the next 4 days in jail.

After someone finally realized I was there I was bonded out. It's come to my attention that while I was detained she liberally used my cell phone and computers - texting and instant messaging people pretending to be me. I got my cell phone back today and she had deleted all call/text records for those 4 days. She also deleted nearly every female name from my contacts in every electronic medium.

I apologize about the wordiness but this is the first time I've ever been in this type of situation. I have an entirely clear criminal record. She, however, has a history of violence. She also has records of having attempted suicide several years ago and psychiatric visits to deal with jealousy and anger management.

1) what can I expect?

2) do I have any type of recourse?

Thank you.

[aardvarc]

My question involves criminal law for the state of: Illinois

I'm still in disbelief this has happened and I would appreciate any advice.

I am 41 yrs old and have lived with my 36 yr old girlfriend for 2 yrs. She is a very jealous person. This has led to many issues but nothing like this. We play darts on a league. We met at the bar (each coming from our jobs). From the moment she arrived she seemed to want a fight. I brought the way she was acting to her attention and she apologized, attributing it to a hard day at work. As alcohol entered the picture her behaviour became more and more abrasive, culminating in my leaving immediately after my last game and going home while she was playing her final. This was approximately 10pm. We live about 10 min from the bar.

Even at this point in the story, the scenario doesn't bode well. She's consuming enough alcohol to change her behavior, and she's willing to drive home, and you're willing to let her (10 minutes away is plenty of time/distance to kill oneself and innocent others). Translation: ongoing alcohol issues, and everyone's willing to let it slide rather than demand or create change.

Throughout the next hour I was left a half dozen accusatory, expletive laden voicemails. I finally answered and told her we can speak when she gets home and she was acting childish. The calls stopped and I fell asleep. At 1:40am I was awoken by the noise of her getting home. She was banging things around and stumbling up to the bedroom.

Drunk people tend to do that, which is why they're not supposed to be driving.

I had chosen to sleep in the spare bedroom. I usually do this when this jealousy/alcohol situation arises.

So you're old hat at dealing with this. At what point are you expecting to wake up with the sun rising west and the alcohol/jealousy issues gone? When you do nothing to cause change, nothing changes.

She had some choice words before slamming the bedroom door.

I guess it's good she was still cognizent enough to speak?

I was unhappy about the entire thing and went into the bedroom to speak to her.

And it makes SENSE to you to try to have a conversation with an angry drunk person? Hello? You have internet access. Use it to look up things like "alcoholism", "co-dependency", and "ethical communication". What could you possibly think that taking to her at this point would accomplish?????

She was slurring her words and muttering under her breath. I repeated that we needed to talk and pulled the covers off of her (she was fully clothed) backwards to the foot of the bed and onto the floor.

So again, we have an very poor decision on your part. She's drunk and steaming. Instead of either leaving, or keeping yourself locked in the guest room, you choose to confront her...and even go so far as to pull the covers off of her. YOU are the one spoiling for a confrontation. (Could also meet criteria for you committing the crime of assault.) What makes you think you have the right to do this, regardless of HOW drunk she was when she came home? Write this question down, you'll probably be hearing it a lot in the future from several different people who will be involved in resolving the case.

The room was dark and I heard something bang against the far wall. Apparently she threw something at me.

If you pulled the covers off of me like a big bully in the middle of the night, I'd be throwing something at you too - and if your demeanor or words caused me to have fear, that something might even be a 10mm projectile thrown by a highly respected German manufactured small projectile thrower. You don't get to start physically engaging someone and not expect them to react. There's no excuse for you here. You CHOSE to begin this confrontation rather than let things cool down or go back to sleep or any number of other options. Don't whine that you don't like the outcome when your own anger mangement skills fail you. I get that living with a drunk is frustrating - but you don't get to cross the line to criminal behavior to deal with it.

In frustration I reiterated she wasn't going to sleep and went to the bathroom, filled a coffee cup with water, returned to the bedroom and poured it on her.

And not only are you drooling for a confrontation, you're willing to try to PROVOKE her by adding water to the situation. Do you realize that this is technically the crime of battery?

She sprang up arms flailing and hitting me about the chest and head.

A reaction that will seem incredibly reasonable to the jury.

I pushed her back onto the bed and walked back to the bathroom.

You walked to the bathroom, which would indicate that you were not concerned about self defense or your safety - yet you physically pushed her. And, where is YOUR call to 911 to report that you've just been attacked?

She followed me into the bathroom, continuing to hit me, tearing my shirt and scratching my neck.

Opening the door for criminal charges for battery against her - but of course she's going to say that the scratches happened when you originally confronted her while she was in bed, and the scratches happened in self defense - and you can't prove otherwise (see how it's such a BAD idea to remain in relationships as dysfunctional as this one - it's NEVER going to end well and with only shady justice at best).

I wrapped my arms around her and brought us both to a sitting position on the floor. She began kicking at me and, realizing this was going nowhere, I went back into the spare bedroom. She slammed a few more doors and went back to the bedroom, screaming and swearing in her drunken state the entire time.

Showing very poor judgement I went back into the bedroom where she was sitting on the bed and smoking a cigarette.

You're already several possible crimes into the story, even with your own version of events - worrying about poor judgement "at this point" is kind of moot.

After a heated exchange of words, she hit me directly in the face. I looked at her in disbelief and turned to leave the room. She sat back down on the bed. At this point we're about 8-10' away from one another.

At this point, this back and forth of stupidity between you two is going to be mutual combat. Both parties probably COULD have faced charges. But her getting charged or not isn't going to impact the charges against you.

Bad choice on my part time.

Too late.

opened her dresser drawer, took out her pepper spray, proclaimed 'nobody is sleeping in here tonight' and sprayed it on to the floor of the room.

Wonderful decision making skills at play here. Just throw an aggrevated battery charge on top of everything else. You REALLY need to get some help with your temper, before you either end up behind bars for some considerable amount of time, or someone who is a bigger bully than you decides to put you in your place. The court is likely to order anger management as part of any sentence, but do yourself and the world a favor and get some ADDITIONAL help.

Fumes filled the room, choking both of us. She opened the bedroom window.

Natural selection, foiled again.

I went into the spare bedroom, opened that window and turned on a fan. She went into the bathroom and started washing her face. I went downstairs, opened the front door to let some air in and rinsed off my face in the kitchen. She stormed down the stairs, grabbed her keys and left.
20 min later there were 5 officers in the living room. She had driven (while extremely intoxicated) to the Police station and claimed I attacked her.

Which you DID. Yanking the covers off of this woman is going down as you being the aggressor. I don't know why you don't get it that this isn't ok for you to do, but it's NOT.

I accompanied the police back to the station to sort things out. I wasn't cuffed or charged. I explained what happened and listened to what she claimed happened. I asked the officer if he noticed she was drunken and he told me in these circumstances it didn't matter.

In the officer's mind, he's got a woman who was confronted in her bed, had water poured over her, and ended up maced. Some conclusions are bound to be drawn. They were probably willing to overlook the immediateness of her being drunk in favor of her escaping the situation before you did any real, even deadly, damage to her. (I'm not implying you'd have done so, only that in domestic violence situations where there's violence, the immediate concern is apprehending the aggressor, not nailing a victim trying to escape the scene).

I asked him if he asked her if I had sprayed her in the face with pepper spray and he said he had but she "didn't remember".

It doesn't matter that you didn't spray her directly. Your intention in the use of the spray was to deter her - and that's enough.

I was arrested and charged with a misdemeanor domestic battery.

Pretty generous. I could have come up with at least 4 other charges. Not that they all would have stuck and be prosecuted, but certainly would have made things more complicated.

An Order of Protection was issued until the court date, which i didn't contest. In her statement she says I poured water on her twice, threw her to the ground twice and sprayed her in the face with pepper spray.

Again, you can't prove different. She was wet. The water story will fly. She stank of pepper spray. That'll fly too. And at least once (when you let her go after holding her arms down from flailing at you) she could substantiate that. You're in a relationship with an alcoholic - what part of that bodes well for the truth, especially in moments of fear and crisis while intoxicated?

The female assistant prosecutor was very hostile, even accusing me of lying. At the Bond hearing the judge read the complaint and asked if she had sought medical attention after being sprayed in the face. She hadn't.

So? She was too busy getting to police assistance. Assault and battery charges can and are successfully prosecuted without actual injury.

Bond was set at 1500.00 but, due to not having any phone numbers to contact someone or my wallet, I was unable to post the 150.00 cash and spent the next 4 days in jail.

You don't know ANYONE's phone number by heart who could have bonded you out? (Sociologically telling.)

After someone finally realized I was there I was bonded out. It's come to my attention that while I was detained she liberally used my cell phone and computers - texting and instant messaging people pretending to be me. I got my cell phone back today and she had deleted all call/text records for those 4 days. She also deleted nearly every female name from my contacts in every electronic medium.

If she had prior access to the cell/computer, this isn't likely to be an issue. However, depending on what she said, and who she said it to, there may be recourse for you in a civil suit for libel/slander. You can speak to an attorney (usually first consultation is free) to determine what kinds of damages you may be able to sue her for (assuming she HAS anything worth suing for).

I apologize about the wordiness but this is the first time I've ever been in this type of situation. I have an entirely clear criminal record. She, however, has a history of violence.

A history of violence which wasn't enough, even with obviousl alcohol problems, to deter you from continuing with the relationship.

She also has records of having attempted suicide several years ago and psychiatric visits to deal with jealousy and anger management.

So how can ANY of this surprise you??????? The absolute best predictor of any later behavior is past behavior. Why would you think that ANY of those things had changed, just because she was shacked up with you (who has anger management and bullying issues of your own)?????

1) what can I expect?

You can expect a continued restraining order. The rest will really depend on how you plead and if any type of deal in exchange for a lesser plea or some type of diversion program is offered. Under most diversion programs, you'd typically be ordered to complete some sort of counseling (either specific to domestic violence or something more general like "anger management", either one can take 6 months up to a year), and if you successfully do so, the charge isn't pursued further by the state. Some programs also require sporadic drug/alcohol testing. Your attorney will be best qualified to tell you what range of options might be available and help you to assess whether or not a plea/diversion or a trial path is best. (But even given your version of events, you basically have to admit to crimes that the prosecution will pounce on, so I'd predict your attorney will push for a lessened charge and/or diversion).

2) do I have any type of recourse?

No one's saying that her actions in all of this were honorable, desireable, etc. It could even be argued that her alcohol problem is a large contributor to the issue - this is an every day problem that for a combination of reasons happened to spiral and blow up on this particular occasion (although for relationships with this dynamic, it's usually not a question of IF, but WHEN). But when you're the one who takes a verbal confrontation and escalates it with ANY level of physicality (ripping off covers, pouring water), that's the type of stuff that is going to sink you with a jury. Get yourself the best (and I don't mean most expensive, I mean most EXPERIENCED) criminal defense attorney you can find to try to mitigate on your behalf. Then, get yourself some help for your own issues. She'll have to get herself help for her own issues. Regardless of whether the two of you continue on in unfettered bliss when this is resolved or not, remember two important things:

1) the only thing that is the same about EVERY relationship you are in...is that YOU are in it - whatever issues YOU have, they don't go away until YOU work on them - sometimes we end up with a partner who is willing to tolerate our issues, but don't let that lull you into believing they're not there or impacting your relationship; and;

2) the only person YOU can ever hope to really change is YOU. Your significant other may or may not understand that alcohol is problematic for her, and if or when she does, she may or may not believe she needs to deal with it, and if she decides to deal with it, she may or may not be successful, or may follow any of the unhappy paths associated with mis-management of this disease. Not YOU, nor anyone else, can make her, force her, humiliate her, scare her, or intimidate her into addressing the problem until she's ready to take the first step and acknowledge that it exists. This is often the most frustrating thing for those who love them, but as part of your own evaluation of what path is going to take you to a happy place in life. you've got to "get it" that it's going to get worse before it gets better, and if your tolerence for frustration AND stress coping skills aren't incredibly high (see the story above for evidence that you're already at your breaking point), then in the interest of your own long term legal and mental health, it's time to think about cutting and running before you end up clinging to a sinking ship that will take you down with it.

[tc498]

You should of just let her be and talked to her in the morning.The only thing you can really do now is hire the best lawyer you can afford n pray.If you can't afford a lawyer,request a legal aid.

[Bruno41]

Catherine: Thank you for the sound and informative assessment and advice. I know I should have handled this differently but what I relayed was the result of nearly 2 yrs of this seemingly random and aberrant behaviour on her part. It by no means excuses my actions, it was reactionary as an extension of the evening's exchanges.

The relationship is dissolved. Despite any love for her, I realize, echoing the general sentiment of most of your post, the issues are far too entrenched to be resolved without a mutual admission. I am at that point but she may be a lifetime away from such.

However, there are a few broad assumptions on your part. Nothing has been 'let slide' as opposed to being addressed. Many of the core issues have been brought up. Needless to say, as is evident by the story, they stay unresolved. In this specific situation I chose to remove myself as opposed to letting it escalate at the bar. I thought I was making the proper decision.

Concern for my own safety was never an issue. Perhaps it's a naive, egotistical - perhaps antiquated perspective but it never occurs to me to call 911 when being assaulted by a woman. I said the same to the assistant prosecutor in my statement when asked why I didn't simply walk away and call the police after being hit. "I didn't because I'm a guy and she's a woman. Why would I do that?" Yes, I walked to the bathroom but even if there was an immediate concern for my safety, i would have done the same. I keep a very calm demeanor in adversity bordering on ambivalence. However, there was never a fear on her part either. this could be attributed to the alcohol AND to the fact I don't have a physically abusive personality. I'm more of a 'talk things out' person.

I have since retained an attorney, given to me by HER mother. He has been involved with her family for a very long time concerning a multitude of these types of situations. He believes the case will be dismissed based on the the same details I have provided in my initial post.

TC: I agree, hindsight is a terrible thing.

[aardvarc]

Catherine: Thank you for the sound and informative assessment and advice. I know I should have handled this differently but what I relayed was the result of nearly 2 yrs of this seemingly random and aberrant behaviour on her part. It by no means excuses my actions, it was reactionary as an extension of the evening's exchanges.

The relationship is dissolved. Despite any love for her, I realize, echoing the general sentiment of most of your post, the issues are far too entrenched to be resolved without a mutual admission. I am at that point but she may be a lifetime away from such.

You never know. Maybe, just maybe, she'll eventually see her way to getting herself the help she needs. Maybe loosing you will be a catalyst to that, maybe it won't. But if you truely ever loved someone, I don't think it ever really goes away - so keep praying for her to blossom into the her that you fell in love with (sans the alcohol baggage). This whole incident doesn't necessarily, in the long run, mean that things are forever over between you. But I'm in agreement with you that until there are some major soul-searching changes that this relationship isn't healthy for either of you right now.

Concern for my own safety was never an issue. Perhaps it's a naive, egotistical - perhaps antiquated perspective but it never occurs to me to call 911 when being assaulted by a woman. I said the same to the assistant prosecutor in my statement when asked why I didn't simply walk away and call the police after being hit. "I didn't because I'm a guy and she's a woman. Why would I do that?" Yes, I walked to the bathroom but even if there was an immediate concern for my safety, i would have done the same. I keep a very calm demeanor in adversity bordering on ambivalence. However, there was never a fear on her part either. this could be attributed to the alcohol AND to the fact I don't have a physically abusive personality.

Most guys, even a few regulars here on this very board, have been through similar circumstances (especially about not occuring to them to report the crime). But it's not all about actual danger to your physical person, it's every bit as much about the danger to your psyche as well (not to mention that it's still a crime). Many, way TOO many, men in this country are silently abused both physically and emotionally, and (for very different reasons than many women), they tolerate it in similar states of lonliness, silence, and isolation. Embarrassed and even afraid to involve authorities. Ashamed to talk to family or friends about it. Believing that it's not the "manly" thing because she's "a girl". Right up until the moment when the buildup of frustration bursts and one party gets charged and labeled while the other party enjoys the gush of support from every direction. Just remember that in a healthy relationship you can only ever be 50% of it. And in some relationships with unhealthy dynamics, no matter how tolerent, accepting, or willing to live with whatever your partner's issues - you've got to be self protective enough to detect when the relationship has become something where you're no longer a partner, but a victim. Hopefully BEFORE it gets to the point where the victim strikes back, severely blurring the lines between victim and perpetrator. Sadly, most such victims, whether men or women, don't get that wakeup call until some explosive incident triggers an unhappy outside intervention (again, brought on by EITHER party).

I'm more of a 'talk things out' person.

Just remember that there is talking WITH a person, and talking TO a person. You can't talk WITH someone who's intoxicated, only AT them. And even the best conversationalist will fail when the receiving party's ears, heart, and mind are closed to them. And, the healthy process of talking things out can't ever be conducted in an atmosphere of aggressive confrontation.


Given some of the issues you've brought up, you might find some helpful info and resources at

http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/malevictims.shtml

You might also check out:



Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You
(which talks about MANY of the dynamics leading victims, including men, to accept, rather than react to, abusive relationships they find themselves involved in)

and


Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence

[Bruno41]

Suffice it to say this entire thing has weighed heavy on my mind.

Catherine, thank you for the resources. I've read through all of it and I'm starting to realize everything is seemingly skewed towards the woman's favor but this is understandable.

The second meeting with the lawyer is this upcoming Sunday, court is on Thursday.

Racing mind question: Prior to the pepper spray being discharged in the room yet AFTER 'having water thrown on her twice' and being 'thrown to the ground twice' how is it possible for her to portray herself as being fearful and fleeing when she stops to sit on the bed and light a cigarette? Things happened in a certain order. The pepper spray in the room was the culmination but there were lapses in between. Much as I was asked why I didn't call the police after being struck why wasn't the same asked of her after being 'thrown to the ground TWICE'?

In my personal best case scenario I would hope charges are dropped against me, by court order she is required to take substance abuse and anger management classes and I'm able to obtain my own Order of Protection. (The last is based mostly on what I am finding out daily she did while I was jailed. Text messages threatening and verbally attacking people posing as myself. Instant messages in the same vain. Tampering with data on my computers. Destroying personal property.)

Can this be incorporated into the same case or will i have to press new charges against her?

[Bruno41]

Had court yesterday. It was two seperate cases - one the Order of Protection and the actual criminal case.

My lawyer had already intended upon losing the Order of Protection (Preponderance of Evidence) but contested it just so he could cross examine her under oath.

Discovery also came into play and we had a chance to look at the pictures taken when she arrived at the police station and read her statement.

It was quite an eye opener.

Her written statement didn't coincide with her sworn testimony. Actually, neither of them actually matched what the original charges were.

In her sworn testimony she claims she was home and asleep by midnight and was awoken by water splashing on her face quickly followed by the pepper spray. She ran to the bathroom, washed her face with medicated soap and fled to the police station.

There was no mention of 2 instances of water or being thrown to the ground twice, both of which were on the criminal charges.

Along with being home and asleep by midnight, she claims under oath she had 1 pitcher of beer the entire time she was there.

I also have security tape from the bar and witnesses who will appear (bartender/bouncers) that she was at the bar until 1:30am, drinking many beers and doing shots. There was concern about her ability to drive home.

If you read her statement and listen to her telling of the events there are glaring inconsistencies, direct contradictions and many flat out lies. Mine adheres to the timeline supported by facts which makes sense, my being sober and her being sloppy drunk.

In the pictures she has bright red marks on her cheeks, nose and chin. Luckily I was able to recover some pictures I had taken while she was sleeping (in a cutesy way back when things were happy) and the exact same pattern of red blotches are there. She has a poor complexion and uses many medications. I know the medicated soap she uses has ALWAYS burned her face and causes peeling. She usually covers it with Vaseline after using to remoisturize it.

I can go on and on but this is my real question.

Can she get in any trouble for basically making up events on the fly and testifying under oath so many of these things that are going to be factually refuted?

Perjury? Impeachment?

Needless to say, after hearing her get confrontational and needing to be scolded by the judge, along with her horribly inconsistent story I'm feeling much better about the criminal case.

[aardvarc]

It's possible that the prosecutor could bring charges against her, but given that her state was one of pretty drastic intoxication on the night of the incident (which a boat load of experts would be willing to testify causes memory impairment), the prosecution likely won't; because her defense would be "I was so drunk that I couldn't give an accurate statement". Such charges usually come when there is purposeful deceit that can be proven, which is a far legal cry from being "drunk as a skunk" and spouting off. The element of intent goes right out the window.


On the plus side for you, it sounds like her credibility is pretty much in the toilet and I bet that secretly the prosecution is wishing that the police report had been a little more "informative" about her state of intoxication at the time. Unfortunately for prosecutors, they are often at the mercy of what they are told 2rd or 3rd hand (obviously they weren't there, so they have to go on what the police said, which is based at least loosely on what she told them).

Do keep us updated!

[Bruno41]

Yeah, her credibility will be taking hits from every direction. The scariest part is she truly believes it but as she repeats her version of the story to friends, relatives and anyone that will listen she keeps adding/subtracting elements in order to gain sympathy.

I wasn't sure if the 'intoxicated/memory impairment' would wash considering her testimony under oath was given whilst sober.

I know her well enough that she told the police she was home and asleep by midnight because it wouldn't have been as impactful had she said 'I was drinking up until 30min ago'.