[InTheForeseeableFuture]

Here is my story and some facts in a few quick, concise words.

I am thirty-one years old and have an ex-girlfriend of the same age who is seven or eight months pregnant. We both live in Florida, and dated for just a little over ten weeks.

We met through a support group.

In early September, a week after learning she was pregnant, she broke up with me, over the phone, telling me she did not want a romantic relationship with me anymore and had in fact never liked me in the first place.

That was the last call I ever received from her.

I left the matter at that and saw an attorney, who explained to me that nothing could be done until after conception.

Two months after her last call she sent me a short email, stating that if I wanted to participate in the pregnancy that she would then ask me to meet her at the hospital where she was having a routine check-up the following day.

I did not answer the email.

Three weeks after her last message she wrote to me again, informing me that if I wanted to see the child, I would have to pay her child support. She also asked for my address so that she could organize the paperwork (“I know what to do and will send you the papers to sign”) that would allow me to send her money.

Since I have no intention of sending money unless ordered to do so by a court, I did not bother sending her a reply.

My ex is diagnosed as bipolar, has been in treatment for two years, and was on several different types of psychotropic medication when I met her.

From what she told me about her past, I know that she has been hospitalized three times as a consequence of her condition.

The three months I spent with her were rocked by a never-ending love/hate cycle, which were mainly defined by:

Three months of condescending contempt;

Constant, unpredicatable emotional outbursts;

Four break-ups in the space of a couple months, each one at her instigation, plus threats to leave me two or three times a week; and

Sado-masochistic sex.


Faced with such manifold conniption and nerve-racking emotional discombobulation, I was careful to never take out my frustration on her and found ways to vent through the practice of various sports, including, but not limited to, punching bag / pillow pounding at my home. I NEVER was abusive towards her, even though I believe now that many of her provocations had the specific purpose of getting me to act towards her in a way which she could use against me later.

There is advice in this forum that states that one should not use a person's medical condition against them in a court of law when the person is following treatment.

However, could I use her character against her?

How could I present this in a court of law? What would my chances be to pay child support/to not pay child support, to get custody/to not get custody?

Could I be seen as 'voluntarily putting myself in a dangerous situation' and therefore be held totally accountable, even if the pattern of her behavior seems to point to objective manipulation on her part for the conscious or unconscious purpose of achieving de facto pregnancy?

If I do not hear from her and do not attempt to contact her in the coming months, would I lose my rights over the child forever?

You have the cart in front of the horse. You first need to establish paternity. Custody, vistation and, support cannot be ordered until you are established as child's Father

[525601minutes]

I am confused - do you want to participate in this child's life or not?

If you do want to be a parent then you need to establish paternity as the poster stated above. Petition the court and file asking that a paternity test be done. IF you are determined the father you should be required to pay child support. IF you are determined the father you can then seek custody. The mother having a mental illness does not preclude her from having custody of the child - especially since she is receiving treatment for her problem.

If you do NOT want anything to do with the child - keep acting how you have been. Ignore all of the mother's e-mails requesting you come to doctor visits and do not give her your address. Of course without knowing exactly where you are she could file with the court naming you the father and when you can not be located to serve papers you might be notified through publication that you never see. Then if you are determined as the father due to lack of response - you might have support ordered that you don't find out about until a several years have passed. You could rack up tens of thousands of dollars in arrears and suddenly find yourself in a financial hole that you can't dig yourself out of...

[InTheForeseeableFuture]

Would it not be better to let her petition the court for a paternity test? I could wait a few months, and if she hasn't done it by then, then it would be up to me to request one.

It would give her a taste of the court system and of the money she would have to put in.

Right now as I see it, she got pregnant, left me, and now wants me to give her money. It's not up to me to do anything. A woman uses you to get pregnant, dumps you as dirt, and then you hear from other people: you HAVE to do this, you HAVE to do that... and then a lone politically incorrect voice saying Sc** it! Don't pay nothing and let the *explicit* deal with it.

I wanted to be a part of it, but maybe that's me wanting to fulfill an emotional need that has little to do with that of the child.

And whatever for arrears. My feet are not tied to one nation.

[525601minutes]

She got pregnant - all by herself? Wow - cool - I'm sure Mary and Jesus will have a lot to chat about.
What are you trying to say - did she rape you? Take your sperm and then use a turkey baster??

IF you had no intention of procreating then you should have kept your sperm from making contact with her egg.

Any money ordered is for CHILD support. It is used to feed, shelter and provide medical care to the child. IF you are determined to be the father of this child you are LEGALLY required to provide for 1/2 of its financial support.

She is legally allowed to request a paternity test - so are you. She is legally allowed and will receive child support IF you are determined to be the father.

You are legally allowed and will most likely receive visitation and some type of joint custody IF you ask for it AFTER you have been determined to be the father. Custody is determined to be in the BEST interest of the child. IF the court decides YOU are the best choice for custody the mother will be obligated to pay YOU child support in order to help YOU to feed, shelter and provide medical care to the child.

IF you want ANY sort of visitation or custody it is in YOUR best interest to take a pro-active stance in determining paternity. IF you are more concerned with being obligated to support the child for 18 years it is in YOUR best interest to sit back and do nothing in the least or to even to hide your whereabouts and identity as much as possible.

[LawResearcherMissy]

Right now as I see it, she got pregnant, left me, and now wants me to give her money. It's not up to me to do anything.

Hang on, I'll call whine-one-one and have the waaahmbulance dispatched. It should be there in a minute. You're not bleeding or anything, are you?

As you see it is wrong. Full stop.

She did not fall on that unwrapped penis. You did not fall into that un-spermicided vagina. It wasn't an accident, it didn't "just happen", and the baby fairy didn't visit your girl in the middle of the night. You made an active choice to have sex with her. Now you get to take responsibility for that.

That means manning up and paying child support for the baby you helped make. It's not about her, it's not about you.

It's about the baby, who didn't get the opportunity to say "THESE people? For MY parents? What are you, touched in the head? No thank you!" The poor kid.

You at least had the choice not to have unprotected sex.

[InTheForeseeableFuture]

I think people should take responsibility for their actions. That's my point.

I'm not so much against taking responsibility for the child as refusing to cooperate in an amicable manner with someone who is abusive and manipulative.

[cjanerun]

This statement:

Right now as I see it, she got pregnant, left me, and now wants me to give her money. It's not up to me to do anything. A woman uses you to get pregnant, dumps you as dirt

Is at such TOTAL odds with your description of your 10 week (and then stretched to 3 months) relationship that I cannot reconcile the two.

What sort of support group did you meet at?

[LawResearcherMissy]

I think people should take responsibility for their actions. That's my point.

I'm not so much against taking responsibility for the child as refusing to cooperate in an amicable manner with someone who is abusive and manipulative.

That's not "taking responsibility".

That's behaving like a constipated toddler.

[gigirle]

Ahhhhh....hate to be the devils advocate here but I have to, I've worked extensively with these kinds of people.
If she is a true hard nose bipolar which you have described, there is a REAL chance that she is NOT pregnant anywhere but in her MIND. Its as real to her as a heart attack is to you and I. If she slipped or refused to take her meds, its a real possiblity as this could be just a delusion in her mind. And trust me, I could tell you some stories. Anything is possible. It's also possible that she believes in her mind that she is pregnant and uses it as an excuse NOT to take her meds.

I would strongly advise you to get MEDICAL PROOF of her pregnancy. Then there is the possiblilty that it is not yours...
I would say wait until the baby is born and establish paternity. Give her no money until then, document all conversations (avoid them if possible) and just deal with the court system.