[dawnbear]

When I was 19 years old I got pregnant. I had just broken up with my boyfriend and had a one night stand. The father of my baby was married with a child already and couldn't be there for me or my baby. I went to my recent ex and told him I was pregnant and it was his. BIG MISTAKE!!
We got married and, after two years of misery, we got divorced. Much to my shock the judge gave my exhusband custody of my daughter! She is now almost 11 years old and hates living with her "dad". He is a bar fly and has not provided a decent life for her. I want to get custody of her and I know I need to come clean. What should I do now? Will it make a difference at this point that he is not the biological father since he has been in her life for so long? Can I get in trouble?
By the way, my daughter was born in Ohio, but shortly afterward we moved to West Virginia and that is where all court proceedings have been held. Please help.

[CourtClerk]

It's not going to make a bit of a difference if you "come clean" now, your exhusband is your child's father. Period. After 11 years, no judge in this world is going to change that. Stop putting dad in quotations, he is her father.

[aaron]

In Virginia, a party seeking to modify an existing custody order bears the burden of proving that a material change in circumstances has occurred since the last custody determination and that the circumstances warrant a change of custody to promote the child's best interests. See Keel v. Keel, 225 Va. 606, 611-12, 303 S.E.2d 917, 921 (1983).

Custody decisions are made in accord with that state's best interest factors:

In determining best interests of a child for purposes of determining custody or visitation arrangements including any pendente lite orders pursuant to § 20-103, the court shall consider the following:

1. The age and physical and mental condition of the child, giving due consideration to the child's changing developmental needs;

2. The age and physical and mental condition of each parent;

3. The relationship existing between each parent and each child, giving due consideration to the positive involvement with the child's life, the ability to accurately assess and meet the emotional, intellectual and physical needs of the child;

4. The needs of the child, giving due consideration to other important relationships of the child, including but not limited to siblings, peers and extended family members;

5. The role that each parent has played and will play in the future, in the upbringing and care of the child;

6. The propensity of each parent to actively support the child's contact and relationship with the other parent, including whether a parent has unreasonably denied the other parent access to or visitation with the child;

7. The relative willingness and demonstrated ability of each parent to maintain a close and continuing relationship with the child, and the ability of each parent to cooperate in and resolve disputes regarding matters affecting the child;

8. The reasonable preference of the child, if the court deems the child to be of reasonable intelligence, understanding, age and experience to express such a preference;

9. Any history of family abuse as that term is defined in § 16.1-228. If the court finds such a history, the court may disregard the factors in subdivision 6; and

10. Such other factors as the court deems necessary and proper to the determination.

The judge shall communicate to the parties the basis of the decision either orally or in writing.

[dawnbear]

Okay, I got rid of the quotes. My daughters father has not had health insurance for her in over 2 years. He goes to the bars on a weekly basis. He has a live in girlfriend that had smacked, shoved, pinched and dragged my daughter around the house by her wrist. She also threatens her pretty much daily and has taken away virtually all of my daughters possessions. I went to court to get a restraining order on my daughters behalf against the girlfriend and the judge promptly dimissed the case. The judge happens to be the ONLY domestic violence judge in the entire county and happens to have a domestic violence order in his own past. He is completely biased. I have had no cooperation from anyone in the county including childrens services, police, school officials or the courts. I want to get custody of my daughter and raise her properly with love and values and morals. Not in a drunken abusive household. Please help.

I am curious as to how he was awarded custody? What was so unreasonable with your home that your Daughter was sent to live with her "legal" Dad

[dawnbear]

I had suffered from very severe post partum depression which caused hallucinations. My exhusband used that against me in court telling the judge essentially that I was crazy. He also told the judge that I was an alcoholic and a drug addict-neither of which were true then or now. I had a lawyer who, I learned too little too late, was completely inept. He told me it was obvious to the judge that my ex was lying and that the case was open and shut. He also told me that I didn't need any character witnesses to discount my ex's claims against me. I recently found out that the lawyer I had has a supreme court judgement against him and is not allowed to take the bar exam in the state of Ohio. I have spoken to other women who were "represented" by him and also lost custody of their children to sometimes abusive fathers/husbands. Even the clerk of courts in Wheeling told me this lawyer was horrible and encouraged me to do anything I can to try to get him disbarred.
This is a case that has gone on for eight years and has been so completely against me and my child it borders on the absurd. I have gone to childrens services, the school, the police, the church and back to court. All of these avenues have slammed the door on me and my daughter. She begs me weekly not to take her back to her father and I have no choice but to take her back. I have been called a kidnapper for keeping her one extra day. I have no idea where to turn next. A new custody trial could cost tens of thousands of dollars, and although I am able to take care of my children, I can't afford that. Any advice would help.