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  1. #1

    Angry What To Do About A Deadbeat Dad

    I'm from Montana, as is my daughter's biological father. We broke up shortly after she was born, and I went and got a lawyer. I got court ordered child support and also a parenting plan that states he can only see her 1 hr. per day in my residence.

    Since I got everything into the courts, I have gotten an amazing fiance and moved to Nevada. He loves my daughter like his own, and takes great care of us. My daughter just turned 1, and her father is about $9000 behind on child support. I have the Child Support Enforcement division after him, but he keeps moving and changing jobs. 2 Months ago, he contacted me (after not speaking to me for 6 months and told me he was moving to Nevada to be a part of his daughters life. I have gone out on the limb to try and allow him to establish a relationship with his daughter, but he refuses to help pay for ANYTHING! I have allowed him to have my daughter by himself for a couple of hours, and she comes home starving because he doesn't feed her (even though I give him food to feed her)... everytime I seem to go out on the limb, he takes total advantage of it--bringing her home late, driving around town to show her off to his friends like she's some sort of trophy, taking her swimming when she's sick without ASKING me.. And then the other day he made a comment about her two front teeth coming through saying, "Mannnnn, you have some UGLY teeth!!".....proving to me that his love is superficial.

    The only reason I continue to let him see her, is because I know when my daughter gets older she will want to know who he is.. but the more that time goes on, the more I just don't think it is in her best interest. With the way things are going (he runs from his bills, taxes, child support), he's going to end up in jail. His rude remarks about her teeth could absolutely destroy her self esteem as she gets older.

    What is my next step? When my fiance and I get married, I would love for him to be able to adopt her, but I know her biological father won't sign over his rights--he's a narcissist, so it's a pride thing. I know the courts say that he can see her for 1 hr. a day, but they also say he is obligated to support her financially as well.

    I'm also scared that if something were to happen to me, that he would get her--and lord knows he can't even support himself right now, let alone her. Should I write up a will & how do I go about doing that?

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    354

    Default Re: What to do about deadbeat dad?

    Unless he agrees to relinquish his paternal rights in exchange for adoption by your fiance, or you spend a lot of money in legal fees proving him unfit to parent your child, then you are pretty much stuck. AFter all, you selected him as the child's father when you had a baby with him. You can't switch "Daddy's" just because YOU want to. It doesn't work that way.

    Sooner or later his child support arrearage may catch up with him and he'll face losing his licenses, tax refunds or even jail time. But, whether or not he pays the support has NOTHING to do with his right to visit his child. Support and visitation are completely separate issues. His failure to pay support does not give you the upper hand in deciding whether he can visit his child. You are not doing him a favor by "going out on a limb" by allowing his visitation...you have no choice but to allow it since the court has recognized his paternal rights to this child.

    Not feeding his child during the 1 or 2 hours he was "allowed" to see her does not imply that he was starving her. His comments about her teeth do not appear abusive....she's 1 year old.

    If you are certain that he will not consent to allowing adoption by your fiance, then for your child's sake, you should just change your mindset. You are the child's custodial parent. That does not mean that you can dictate how he parents the child during his time with her or even whether or not he is allowed to see the child.

    And, yes, if something happens to you, then he will automatically have custody of the child. I do not believe you can change that by specifying contrary wishes in a will.....but I'm not a lawyer, just another consumer who has spent the past 8 months studying child support/custody laws on this and other sites in preparation for my own situation.

  3. #3

    Default Re: What To Do About A Deadbeat Dad

    I appreciate your input, but this is my daughters wellbeing we are talking about.

    The day she came home starving, he had her for 7+ hours & fed her half a jar of food ALL DAY. She came home absolutely cranky and upset..

    Comments like making fun of her teeth are not acceptable. You DO NOT say that to your daughter. She is at the age where she is starting to understand things--babies are much smarter than most people think.

    I understand that visitation and support are two separate issues--however, I see something wrong with the fact that my fiance and I work our ass off to give our daughter the life she deserves, and her deadbeat sperm donor can come and go as he pleases as a problem. He can gamble and drink his money away, but can't help buy her some diapers or formula? My daughters life is happening NOW--we can't just put it on hold while he decides to grow up.

    He may be her biological father, but it takes more than visitation to be considered her daddy--being a parent is fullfilling your financial obligation towards them.. and NOT treating them like this is a game of "house".

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
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    not sure
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    526

    Default Re: What To Do About A Deadbeat Dad

    What happened to the court ordered parenting plan. The one which says the bio dad can see the child one hour each day in your house. Was this amended by the courts to allow visits way beyond those guidelines?

  5. #5

    Default Re: What To Do About A Deadbeat Dad

    The current parenting plan states he can see my daughter for 1 hour per day in my residence.. I was trying to be optimistic & give him the benefit of a doubt when I let him have her at his place several times. But since he started driving her around (without asking me), bringing her home starving (when I gave him food for her to feed her).. I have decided to not let that happen any more.

    I read on the internet that statistically, fathers who have visitation rights are more likely to pay child support. But he has yet to pay anything. I hate saying this is all about money, but it is not fair to my daughter that I work my butt off and he does absolutely nothing to benefit her--emotionally or financially... He is a narcisisst who's love for her is superficial.

  6. #6
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    Apr 2006
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    not sure
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    Default Re: What To Do About A Deadbeat Dad

    Quote Quoting LoveMyDaughter
    View Post
    The current parenting plan states he can see my daughter for 1 hour per day in my residence.. I was trying to be optimistic & give him the benefit of a doubt when I let him have her at his place several times. But since he started driving her around (without asking me), bringing her home starving (when I gave him food for her to feed her).. I have decided to not let that happen any more.

    I read on the internet that statistically, fathers who have visitation rights are more likely to pay child support. But he has yet to pay anything. I hate saying this is all about money, but it is not fair to my daughter that I work my butt off and he does absolutely nothing to benefit her--emotionally or financially... He is a narcisisst who's love for her is superficial.
    You hadn't spoken to the bio dad in six months, which would mean that your child was under six months old when she was telling you she was starving and how much food she was given. Six months old and she can tell you of the events during the visitation with the bio dad?

    If the bio dad was ordered to pay support from the birth and he's $9000 in arrears, he would be paying $275 (?) per week. Now that would seem highly unusual if his work history is unstable.

    You chose to violate the terms of the court ordered parenting plan. When and if you present this argument, you could find yourself facing contempt charges. You do not have the legal authority to amend any court order without motioning for a modification of the terms.

  7. #7

    Default Re: What To Do About A Deadbeat Dad

    Him not feeding her happened 2 weeks ago. I know my daughter better than anyone, and when she spent the day with him and he TOLD me he only gave her a half a jar of food.. and she comes home cranky, upset, and scarfing down food......... What about him driving all over town (when he has a DUI and tons of speeding tickets on his history) WITHOUT asking me first.

    His child support is set at $724 which is based on his $40,000 a year job that he voluntarily quit and left me when I was 7 months pregnant. It's not my fault the 32 year old chooses to be underemployed.

    I didn't say I was going to not obey the court papers--I was asking for advice on how to go about all this the LEGAL way. I am looking out for my daughters best interest, and she deserves a man that loves her unconditionally.

    A real man would be working his ass off to prove himself fit to be her "daddy". Especially after all the mistakes he has made (this is just it in a nutshell, you guys really have no idea how worthless he is). And my daughter deserves better than that.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    755

    Default Re: What To Do About A Deadbeat Dad

    Step 1
    Start obeying the court order to the letter.
    Step2
    Goto the courthouse, file for a modification
    Step3
    Make sure you have him served with the papers
    More than likely, you will have a very hard time getting any money from him. Don't go into court thinking you will come out with a $9,000 check.
    Unfortunately, it takes alot more than $9,000 for the state to make a REAL effort to get you your money.

  9. #9

    Default Re: What To Do About A Deadbeat Dad

    Trust me, I don't expect to get any child support arrears from him.. I just expect that if he wants to play the part of "daddy", he needs to starts paying for SOMETHING. Even $100 A MONTH would show that he was at least trying. Instead of throwing it away towards alcohol and gambling.

    Thanks for the suggestion!

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Texas
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    354

    Default Re: What To Do About A Deadbeat Dad

    Quote Quoting LoveMyDaughter
    View Post
    I appreciate your input, but this is my daughters wellbeing we are talking about.

    The day she came home starving, he had her for 7+ hours & fed her half a jar of food ALL DAY. She came home absolutely cranky and upset..

    Comments like making fun of her teeth are not acceptable. You DO NOT say that to your daughter. She is at the age where she is starting to understand things--babies are much smarter than most people think.

    I understand that visitation and support are two separate issues--however, I see something wrong with the fact that my fiance and I work our ass off to give our daughter the life she deserves, and her deadbeat sperm donor can come and go as he pleases as a problem. He can gamble and drink his money away, but can't help buy her some diapers or formula? My daughters life is happening NOW--we can't just put it on hold while he decides to grow up.

    He may be her biological father, but it takes more than visitation to be considered her daddy--being a parent is fullfilling your financial obligation towards them.. and NOT treating them like this is a game of "house".
    I understand where you're coming from, believe me....you are preaching to the choir. My comments were only with regard to how I believe a court would view your situation based on the limited amount of information you gave in the initial post. Unless you can prove to the court that the child's father is not fit to parent her and unless the court agrees to restrict or remove his visitation rights, including whether or not she can ride around with him in his car during HIS visitation time, then you have no right to monitor his actions.....in the eyes of the law. You always, however, have the right to seek court intervention or child protective services.

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