What Matters in Child Custody Disputes

[concernedhusband]

My wife and I live in Michigan with our 13 month old daughter, but there has been talk of divorce lately. I'm curious about what types of things matter in a custody dispute. Here's a brief picture of our situation:

Mother's current state:
- Illegal immigrant
- No high school diploma
- Has 2-3 days of alone time with our daughter a week (while I'm at work 7am-4pm)
- Currently on anti-depressants for postpartum depression
- Police report filed for domestic/child abuse, but did not press charges
- CPS has assigned her a counselor
- CPS has threatened a court order to force her to take her medication
- CPS will remove her from the home if a court order is filed and not followed
- Unable to support self on current income
- If divorced, she would most likely move in with her grandmother in Illinois where currently 6 adults (all illegal immigrants) and 5 children (2 illegal immigrants) live
- Threatened to take our daughter to her country of origin
- Has used multiple identities for various reasons (acquire a car, bank account, loans, etc) before our marriage

My current state:
- US Citizen
- Six credits away from graduating with a Master's degree in Education
- Spend 3-4 nights a week alone with our daughter (while my wife is at work)
- Took antidepressants in 2003 for 6 months, no issues since
- Currently supporting my daughter and wife
- Paying all bills (rent, utilities, etc)
- No police record

Status Quo:
- Married almost 2 years
- No shared property (we rent, I'm titled on my car, she is titled on hers under a fake ID)
- I am primary care giver (see above notes about time spent with our daughter). When both my wife and I are home, I typically tend to our daughter while my wife is either sleeping or watching TV/playing video games.

I guess that wasn't as brief as I wanted, but I hope that gives a good overall picture of things. Out of the things above, which items are pertinent in deciding custody? Additionally, I've been keeping a diary of the times my wife threatens suicide, tells our daughter she doesn't want her, or is generally irresponsible (like the time she put our daughter in the high chair and didn't lock the tray or buckle her in, then left her unsupervised....you can imagine what happened. For the record I was hauling in groceries and walked in just as she tumbled out). Do these things matter and are they admissible?

The other thing I keep track of is when and where my wife leaves dirty diapers. This is daily. I come home from work and have to find where she left all the dirty diapers (on the bed, under the bed, on the floor, in the bathroom, in the living room, etc). Is this relevant?

Thanks in advance for any advice!

[Litigator]

All of these things may be relevant-- you want to paint a picture of what will be the best environment for the child to grow up in--what it often comes down to is whether or not critical matters are disputed. If you have corroborating witnesses who are not biased that certainly helps your case, recognizing that the same is not possible with respect to all matters of importance and to some degree these cases often involve swearing matches. The bottom line is the court decides what is in the best interests of the child regarding custody decisions--that is the standard which is used. One of the more important things would be for you to make your attorney aware of these things and the matters you have documented as keeping your attorney informed will ultimately help your case.

[concernedhusband]

Thanks for the reply. I see your point.

I suppose the only real witnesses would be the CPS agent who came to our apartment and saw first hand the temper that my wife has, and the counselor that comes to speak with us, though I don't know if it would be legal for either of them to testify. There is also the police report, but again, I didn't press charges, and no police officer ever visited the apartment. I went to the police station with our daughter while my wife was being physically abusive to me (she was punching and shoving me while I was holding our daughter).

Overall, my concern is this: our daughter means everything to me. I wouldn't give her up for anything. However, I'm under the impression that by virtue of me being the father, I'm already fighting an uphill battle because I didn't give birth to our daughter. This makes me afraid to file for divorce. I'd rather be stuck in a marriage that isn't working well and know that my daughter is being taken care of, then to divorce and run the risk of not being able to see her everyday. Would a court really put a child into a home where she would live well below the poverty line in a three bedroom house with 12 other people (the 11 that live there plus 2 for my wife and our daughter)? Especially when an equally loving parent is more than willing, and much more capable, of providing a healthy home?

I know that it comes down to how the court sees things, but I'm absolutely terrified of losing the bond that I have with our daughter. I suppose my best option would be to speak with an attorney in the area. I appreciate the time you've taken to reply.

[Empowermom]

This makes me afraid to file for divorce. I'd rather be stuck in a marriage that isn't working well and know that my daughter is being taken care of, then to divorce and run the risk of not being able to see her everyday.

I'm not a lawyer so take what I say with a grain of salt, okay.

I believe you should be more concerned about getting the mother OUT of the house than keeping her around. I would suggest hiring a babysitter so she isn't alone with the child. It sounds like she isn't taking care of her well.

Your child's safety is the MOST IMPORTANT THING. You need to ask yourself what is more important for your child; A) growing up in a clean environment with a loving parent, or B) risking her safety because you are afraid to take action. The answer is obvious and that's what a court will look at.

The longer you subject you and your child child to abuse, the LESS standing you'll have in court. They are looking at the child's best interests and how YOU handle your problems. If you don't handle them soon, it's possible CPS might get involved and make those decisions for you, ESPECIALLY since police are involved. Even if you don't file charges, they keep records of INCIDENTS. Too many of those and they will report YOU for child abuse.

Hope that helps.

P.S. It is perfectly legal for ANY professional to testify in court on their findings as they are considered impartial witnesses. Speak to your counselor about this. All you need is a subpeona whether they want to testify or not.

[aaron]

P.S. It is perfectly legal for ANY professional to testify in court on their findings as they are considered impartial witnesses. Speak to your counselor about this. All you need is a subpeona whether they want to testify or not.

I'm not entirely sure what this is meant to reference. It is not the case that any professional can testify in a court case, or that they would be regarded as impartial, merely because they are a professional. It is also not the case that issuing a subpoena will result in a professional's being able to testify, if for example the professional's testimony would relate to matters covered by privilege (e.g., attorney-client, doctor-patient, therapist-patient, etc.)

[concernedhusband]

I'm not a lawyer so take what I say with a grain of salt, okay.

I believe you should be more concerned about getting the mother OUT of the house than keeping her around. I would suggest hiring a babysitter so she isn't alone with the child. It sounds like she isn't taking care of her well.

Your child's safety is the MOST IMPORTANT THING. You need to ask yourself what is more important for your child; A) growing up in a clean environment with a loving parent, or B) risking her safety because you are afraid to take action. The answer is obvious and that's what a court will look at.

The longer you subject you and your child child to abuse, the LESS standing you'll have in court. They are looking at the child's best interests and how YOU handle your problems. If you don't handle them soon, it's possible CPS might get involved and make those decisions for you, ESPECIALLY since police are involved. Even if you don't file charges, they keep records of INCIDENTS. Too many of those and they will report YOU for child abuse.

Hope that helps.

P.S. It is perfectly legal for ANY professional to testify in court on their findings as they are considered impartial witnesses. Speak to your counselor about this. All you need is a subpeona whether they want to testify or not.

Our situation has changed a bit over the past 1.5 months. My wife now only has 1 day where she spends a substantial amount of time alone with our daughter every week. She's picked up a second job so she can buy herself things (jewelry, new shoes, new clothes, she's looking at cars, etc..). It comes out to about 15 or 16 hours a week.

I want to be clear, I have no doubts that my wife loves our daughter. The problem is she isn't interested in the work that goes along with having a child. She's more concerned about herself.

Second, I thought I have been doing something. I went to the police because of what was happening and asked for help. CPS has gotten involved, and has been very helpful in finding a counselor for my wife. I've got her case worker (if that's the right term) on speed dial in case any issues come up. They are very aware of the situation, and have never indicated that I am not doing enough. Maybe I'm just being naive. In all fairness, my wife hasn't been physically abusive in some time, and never directly at our daughter. She's still very manipulative, and emotionally abusive, but I'm coping with it.

@aaron: I've been having trouble finding a lawyer in the Grand Rapids area. I believe you're out of Ann Arbor. Is there any chance you might be able to recommend anyone in GR?

[Empowermom]

I stand corrected by Aaron, EXCEPT, you CAN subpeona records even from a psychiatrist if the interest of a minor child will be served. The judge can perform an "in camera" review of the record and rule which parts can and can not be used in court. Additionally, you can have the professional testify, without violating patient-client priviledge, to answer whether or not their patient is capable of caring for the child or if there are any issues which would endanger the child.

That is a federally mandated statute regarding psychiatric records which was used on me during the adoption of our child. You can't make the professional testify or divulge certain information, but by golly, Molly, you CAN make them present the records to a judge for review and the judge can MAKE THEM state for the record their opinion as to the above. Whew! Had to get that off my chest! LOL

Next, while your wife may not have been physically abusive "for a while," are you sure she won't be again? If not, do you know the date and time she may go off again? Those are questions you should ask yourself.

One single moment of abuse can change a child's life forever. Abuse happens quickly and without warning. If she isn't interested in her own child, are you sure those 15-16 hours of week they have alone aren't hurting your child? Are you SURE she's getting the care she needs from her uncaring mother? She's so young. You don't know what kind of abuse she is encountering.... and she can't tell you.

If she's emotionally abusive to you, what is she to your child when you are not there?

I'm glad you stated CPS is involved. You didn't tell us that earlier. You've done all you can do, EXCEPT, make sure the wife is SUPERVISED with your child. At such a young age, you can't afford to take a chance.

Also, if she's talking about taking the child out of your jurisdiction, why would you even CONSIDER leaving her alone with the baby for one hour?

That's just my humble opinion, but I hope you at least think about it and I hope things work out for you.

Carol

[concernedhusband]

Here's the latest update: After a suicide attempt, another visit from CPS for my wife, having the cops called on me for wanting to take our daughter to the doctor instead of letting her go to an undisclosed "appointment" with my wife, a late night drive to pick my daughter up 3 hours away after my wife ran off, being told constantly that the life I am providing isn't good enough for my wife, and a new counselor that my wife has been skipping out on, I've had enough.

Today is the day I file for divorce. If anyone has any words of advice or encouragement, I'd appreciate it. I'm a bit sick to my stomach today, but I think I'm doing what's best in the long run.

[lespring]

Ok, so she's an illegal allien and your daughter (I'm assuming) is a citizen. I'm surprised CPS didn't have her deported, but I suppose they didn't know about her immigration status. Depending upon if you want to play hardball or not, your problems could easily be solved.

[concernedhusband]

Ok, so she's an illegal allien and your daughter (I'm assuming) is a citizen. I'm surprised CPS didn't have her deported, but I suppose they didn't know about her immigration status. Depending upon if you want to play hardball or not, your problems could easily be solved.

You assume correctly. And, no, CPS is not aware of her immigration status as far as I know. However, I don't think it's as simple as you seem to think to get someone deported. Not to mention that something like that isn't fair to our daughter.