Absent, Deadbeat Father Wants Back Into Our Child's Life

[momofateenager]

I'm having a problem with my daughters dad. My daughter and I live in Oklahoma and he lives in Mississippi. We have been separated since 2000. We were together for close to 11 years. He was mentally and physically abusive to me. So I finally left him. Anyway, he is now messing with my daughters head like he did mine. She will be 16 in November. She was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and will no longer take any medication or go to therapy as her dad says that only crazy people take meds or go to therapy. Everytime that she speaks with him over phone she becomes very defiant and yells and screams at me her my boyfriend. Now she told school conselor that my boyfriend beat her up and CPS came to our home and nothing was found to support what she said. I can't be for certain, but I believe her dad told her to say that so she could come live with him. The day before she reported him, her dad told me that if he ever layed a finger on her all hell would break loose. Her dad was not in her life from 2000 to 2003, then all of a sudden wanted custody of her. We went to court and she wanted to live with me. She is now saying that she would like to live with dad. But at her dads house he has she is allowed to do anything that she pleases, where here she has rules to abide by. At his house she gets to eat whatever she wants, she eats no meals there, but at my house, she has to eat what we have for dinner. When she was 13, he even allowed for her to go out with a 19 yr old. He has told her that the 3 years that he was not in her life that I was the reason, that I kept her away from him and would not allow for him to see her. That he sent gifts to her but I had them sent back. He has told my sister that he never even bought her any gifts. In the 6 years that we have been apart he has paid $1300 in child support. He has not paid any since 2003. What type of recourse do I have? Can I have his parental rights taken from him? Can I get supervised visits and phone calls? Please someone please help me.

[Mr. Knowitall]

This is going to be practical advice, but will be tough to accept. It's based on my own life and family - real world stuff, not technical legal stuff.

If it were me, I would tell my daughter that she can spend next summer with her dad, and if things work out that she can stay with him for the following school year (presumably her senior year). I would tell her that she must finish the current school year where she is, and that the offer is conditioned upon her good attendance and good performance in school.

By next summer she will be 17, or pretty close to 17. She'll be a year away from 18. She may find, like so many kids do, that living with her father is actually something of a nightmare, and choose to come home after a few months. She may try to stay there, and she may well muddle through that last year of school.

But here's the rub - if you keep her from her father, even through the courts, she will hold it against you personally. (She already seems to be holding it against you.) It will almost certainly damage your relationship well into the future. If you let her try this and she fails, she's learning an important lesson about life at a point where she's almost an adult - but you're letting her try. It's painful, but you're a parent so you should be used to that.

Do I think that there is a realistic chance of your cutting off his parenting time, let alone having his parental rights revoked, based upon what you ahve written? No. But heck - I've been wrong before, so if you want to go that route you should talk to a local lawyer.

[momofateenager]

There is alot more going on than what I have written, he is basically brainwashing her. That is not right. I let her live with him, he has said I would never see her again. She is a perfect child when he is not in her life. Just recently has he been calling. We just now got a phone. So he has been calling at 5am every morning and telling her not to listen to us. My daughter tells me everything that he says to her. I would not be protecting her if I was to let her live with her dad. He is an abuser and everytime that she has even stayed with him she has cried and begged me to come pick her up. Last time she stayed 3 weeks with him, he told her that she no longer had a bedroom there that he was giving it to the little girl down the street. I could not believe it. So she had to sleep on couch rest of her stay, while the girl slept in her room. I would never let my daughter live with him, he is a deadbeat dad.