Should Father Talk to Our Child by Skype When He Failed to Show for Visits

[Brittneyamber]

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: California

I have Sole physical Custody of our almost three year old daughter, we share Joint legal Custody even though she's lived with me since she was three months old. He has always had supervised visitation and suppose to come once a week. He only shows maybe five times a year. She doesn't refer to him as dad. I'm getting married soon with someone I just had my second child with and the almost three year old thinks he is her father, which is great. But now that the bio dad just moved to Utah he wants to skype every week now. I want to take him to court to get Sole Legal Custody now he is out of state, and I think it's a bad idea for him to skype because it will end up being only a hand full of times a year and she Doesn't really know him.


I agreed to bio dad with skyping once a week since he moved, he saw her on the computer once. Now it's been over a month, and I haven't heard from him, I believe this is a unhealthy relationship for my three year old.
Will the court agree? Or think I'm just nuts.

And will the court think it's a good idea for me to have Sole Legal Custody because he is out of state now?

[jk]

not sure what difference it makes if you or I think it is a good idea or not. If he is allowed visitation, he is allowed visitation. The courts are not going to terminate his visitation because of this. I think Skyping is a great way for a parent to maintain contact with their child in a situation such as this.

[Brittneyamber]

Do you think it's in the child's best interest for me to have Sole legal custody if the father lives out of state?

[shortie]

I'm getting married soon with someone I just had my second child with and the almost three year old thinks he is her father, which is great.

I am a bit disturbed by you referring to your daughter calling another man her father as "great." That fact alone makes it appear as though you're trying to phase the father out of her life.

You just said he wants to skype every week now. If you have an issue with him not exercising his visitation, then you should be glad he wants to now. And as a three year old, if you treat the skyping as an important activity, and explain to her that it is with her father, then she will value getting to know him. Definitely don't go along with her thinking a different man is her father, especially when the actual father wants to be more involved.

I'm also disturbed that you said it's a "bad idea" for them to skype. It's not a bad idea for a father to want to see/spend time with his daughter.

If you think he'll only do it five times a year, then tell your daughter it's "special father-daughter time" or something. There are ways to approach it. Just don't mislead her, is all I'm saying.

[Dogmatique]

I am a bit disturbed by you referring to your daughter calling another man her father as "great." That fact alone makes it appear as though you're trying to phase the father out of her life.

You just said he wants to skype every week now. If you have an issue with him not exercising his visitation, then you should be glad he wants to now. And as a three year old, if you treat the skyping as an important activity, and explain to her that it is with her father, then she will value getting to know him. Definitely don't go along with her thinking a different man is her father, especially when the actual father wants to be more involved.

I'm also disturbed that you said it's a "bad idea" for them to skype. It's not a bad idea for a father to want to see/spend time with his daughter.

If you think he'll only do it five times a year, then tell your daughter it's "special father-daughter time" or something. There are ways to approach it. Just don't mislead her, is all I'm saying.

Ditto this.

And Mom? What do you wish to accomplish exactly? Sole legal custody won't take away Dad's rights...

[Brittneyamber]

Legal Custody: Religion, Education, and Health. If he lives out of state I shouldn't have to try to contact him in case of a medical emergency or anything medical for his permission... especially when he doesn't want me to have his phone number, what if its a matter of life or death situation. And he isn't here to travel to different schools to decide which one is best for the toddler.

The bio dad has control issues he just wants to be told "Yes" to whatever he wants.. (skyping) and then he wont follow through with any of it.

Yes, I think it's a great thing she's calling her step-dad her father because he is an outstanding role-model, teacher, and provider for her. And every child needs that whether it's their bio or step dad.

And because the bio dad is a drug/alcohol user, irresponsible, and a bad role-model (cusses a lot) plus moves away from his daughter.. I think it should be up to the child when old enough to make their own decision to be a part of their life. She's to young to be subjected to that behavior and lifestyle.

I rather have the step-dad adopt her for the time being, and also that way she would have stable medical coverage. I'm only saying this because I honestly think it's in the child's best interest. But I guess it's hard to relate or get advice from people that don't know the whole story or that don't know what kind of a person the bio dad is or myself.

[mmmagique]

You keep this up and you'll be visiting your daughter at dad's house. (not bio dad, dad)

[Dogmatique]

Legal Custody: Religion, Education, and Health. If he lives out of state I shouldn't have to try to contact him in case of a medical emergency or anything medical for his permission... especially when he doesn't want me to have his phone number, what if its a matter of life or death situation. And he isn't here to travel to different schools to decide which one is best for the toddler.

If the child needs emergency medical care, you don't NEED Dad's permission.

Got anything else?

The bio dad has control issues he just wants to be told "Yes" to whatever he wants.. (skyping) and then he wont follow through with any of it.

Unless you're psychic, you just don't know that.

Yes, I think it's a great thing she's calling her step-dad her father because he is an outstanding role-model, teacher, and provider for her. And every child needs that whether it's their bio or step dad.

1. He is NOT step-dad.

2. He is NOT her father.

3. You're not willing to give her FATHER a chance to be a decent father.

How do you think the court is going to see that?

And because the bio dad is a drug/alcohol user, irresponsible, and a bad role-model (cusses a lot) plus moves away from his daughter.. I think it should be up to the child when old enough to make their own decision to be a part of their life. She's to young to be subjected to that behavior and lifestyle.

So you'd be okay with her deciding that she doesn't want to live with you any more?

I rather have the step-dad adopt her for the time being, and also that way she would have stable medical coverage. I'm only saying this because I honestly think it's in the child's best interest. But I guess it's hard to relate or get advice from people that don't know the whole story or that don't know what kind of a person the bio dad is or myself.

Not going to happen.

Dad is Dad. He has rights, and if he wants to be even a part-time Dad he WILL be allowed to do so. Forget trying the "backdoor adoption" approach (your other thread), and forget a stepparent adoption.

Do you understand that if you continue alienating her Dad in this way (refusing skype visitation, lying to her about her father, allowing her to call your current lover "Dad") that you can actually lose custody?

- - - Updated - - -

Well heck. I should have just ditto'd Christina's answer

[free9man]

The bio dad has control issues he just wants to be told "Yes" to whatever he wants..

Is this new or has her dad always been this way?

And because the bio dad is a drug/alcohol user, irresponsible, and a bad role-model (cusses a lot) plus moves away from his daughter..

Is this new behavior or has her dad always had substance abuse issues? As for cussing a lot making him a bad role model, forget it. Lots of kids grow up in that kind of environment and turn out fine. Parents sometime have to move away from their kids for one reason or another. I sincerely doubt its the kind of thing they are happy about.

But I guess it's hard to relate or get advice from people that don't know the whole story or that don't know what kind of a person the bio dad is or myself.

It's not about relating to you. It's about giving valid advice based on the LAW. The volunteers can only speak to what you tell them. If you leave out something that could change the legal realities of the situation, that's not our fault. I seriously doubt you are.

[shortie]

This isn't just about you making poor legal decisions (that will backfire on you). From an ethical standpoint, you are making poor moral decisions. It's not okay to lie to your child about her father's paternity. That will seriously mess her up. And she WILL find out, and how do you think she'll feel about you when she does?

There are other people in my child's life who are good role-models. I'm not gonna have him starting calling all of them "daddy." He only has one daddy, as does your daughter. Your current lover can be a good role-model to your child, but that DOES NOT BY ANY MEANS make it okay to allow your daughter to assume he's her father.

And yes, what everyone else is saying is true. Letting her believe someone else is her father and interfering with Dad's rights are grounds for the man you call the "bio dad" (her only dad) to get a higher percentage custody. And that is on you. Just start thinking things through before you cut a man out of his child's life. If he wants to be a parent 5 or 10% of the time, he'll have that right.