Appearing in Court When the Other Party Has a Restraining Order Against You

[bhmjones]

She met him four years ago when she changed jobs at her work, which was coincidental with her approaching me and asking me to become a stay at home father to our two children.... our son was not disabled at the time, but we had been married since 1997 and our marriage was not the best due to her having Graves' Disease and a subsequent personality change.... she progressively became more and more detached and distant from our children and marriage and fell completely in love with the other man over a year ago.... I first caught some of their suspicious behavior over two years ago and thought I had put an end to it then, but recently discovered I was dead wrong, they had simply hid it from me all that time..... soon as I confronted her with the new evidence, she demanded a divorce but also demanded that I settle out of court for a lump sum settlement from the sale of all our joint properties.... other evidence led me to discover that her and her new boyfriend have been conspiring for over a year to get me to settle for a divorce with joint custody where she would not be court ordered to pay child support.... he can't stand that she is financially supporting the household so has been convincing her how terrible I am and that I need to be on my own and not benefit from any financial support of hers..... so she commandeered our house and kids and has tried to have law enforcement remove me three times, but each time they refused to do so, so somehow she figured out a restraining order would be her ticket to have me arrested on the spot no questions asked....

[Dogmatique]

And your goal is...?

Are you working? Is Mom?

[bhmjones]

my goal is to rejoined with my children so I can continue my round the clock care of my son..... it is only due to my heroic efforts and care that he is as stable as he is now, and her plan will not only undo all that hard work but will endanger his life since he is now prone to pneumonia from not being able to swallow so any exposure to germs from public school puts him in grave danger...... this is not only evidenced by our own past experience, but evidenced by another child we recently met with the same condition as our child who is in the hospital now with a collapsed lung because her parents continually expose her to public therapy sessions....... my wife fully agreed with me until I refused her settlement offer and I have text message evidence of her agreeing... but she is willing to go to any length to absolve herself from any court ordered support.... I have been unable to work since our son's accident due to his round the clock needs, and yes mom is still employed but has taken a leave of absence since she commandeered the house and kids two months ago.... so she isn't able to work while caring for our son, but plans on starting back when school starts.....

[Dogmatique]

Okay. Dad, you're a little bit all over the place.

I understand your son is disabled. But custody is a weird thing - if the children have been with one parent for a long period, that parent is usually going to end up being the primary parent.

So let's clarify. Mom has had the children for at least the last two months - is that correct? Prior to that, you were a stay-at-home parent and Mom worked?

[bhmjones]

Yes, I have been the stay at home father and caregiver since January 2008.

[Dogmatique]

Then what you need to do is explain that you HAVE been the primary caregiver.

Be warned though - if Mom has had them for 2 months already AND she has a restraining order, it might not go your way. Is there any way you can eithe request a continuance or get an attorney on board?

And this is the initial custody determination, correct?

[bhmjones]

Since I am unemployed and my wife took steps to block me from her bank account in her and his preparations to get me out of the picture while my attention was focused on our children, I have no money for a lawyer..... legal aid said they would take my case pro bono if I can get temporary custody tomorrow on my own..... all the lawyers I've spoken to in free initial consultations are as reserved as you yourself are, but state that they would simply point out to the judge that my wife's leave of absence is not only after the fact (after I filed for custody) but also temporary. So she has had the children for two months only because that is how long it took to get the hearing and only due to me taking the advice of the law enforcement officers to be the bigger person and voluntarily leave to keep the peace.... it doesn't seem right that she should reap a benefit from the court not hearing the case sooner.... so in that sense, a continuance would only serve to hurt me more because she would then be able to say she has had the children longer than she can now....

[Dogmatique]

I understand how you feel, but that reality is that the parent with the kids the longest often ends up keeping them. Two months for an initial hearing isn't actually that bad.

In some areas you'd be waiting 6 months - and that'd absolutely give Mom status quo.

[bhmjones]

Thanks for your advice. It is very disheartening that an innocent part such as myself can get so railroaded when someone is willing to abuse the system to serve their own self-interests......

- - - Updated - - -

okay we showed up for court and the judge barely allowed me to walk through the door before berating me for not having a lawyer, but after all was said and done he simply told us his order on temporary custody and his order on the restraining order would be forthcoming but did not give a date as to how long we would have to wait, so in effect the restraining order is still in effect, and numerous people have told me not to violate it under any circumstances, except my wife's lawyer who immediately hand wrote a (for lack of a better term) "permission slip" signed by my wife allowing me to contact my wife only about the children and allowing me to stay in the house all day with the kids while my wife is working..... As I understand it, this "permission slip" really isn't worth the paper it is written on and my wife can have me arrested anytime she desires..... what say you all?