Who Should My Child Speak with to Have a Voice in the Courtroom

[wolfcreekgal]

No, I have no "proof" of him driving drunk with my son in the car. I don't have the power to have an out-of-body experience, appear in Illinois and take photographs or videos of this happening. I only have what my seven year old says and, come hell or high water, I have every intention of using it, whether or not it's accepted is up to a judge.

I have been posting here a long time and maybe it's time to share why this all hits so close to home for me. Yeah, a mom losing one child is traumatic by itself, but I have already lost two of my other children and not for reasons you might be thinking (CPS involvement), not at all. One was taken from me through suicide at the tender age of 13. I had gotten very sick and my grandmother cared for her for me for a while. It happened in her care. That damned near killed me yet, I managed to accept it and go on never needing drugs, alcohol or a mental institution to act as my crutch. The CP I have mentioned here used to tell me ALL the time her suicide was my fault and laugh about it, but I guess that's OK too. Ten years later, my young son was kidnapped by his father when he was only a year and a half old. The authorities didn't consider it kidnapping, however, because I hadn't yet filed for divorce and dad could basically do whatever he wanted with him. Ah, the laws of the land are so very just indeed. I tried for many years to find him, but every time I got close, his father moved again. I didn't see him again until he was seventeen and by then his father had completely and totally ruined him. This was last year and now my son uses a variety of drugs, has absolutely no ambition in life and really doesn't care if he lives or dies. He told me his dad forced him to watch porn at a very young age, had sex with women in front of him, fed him dog food and so on. I know this because I took him into our household and tried desperately to give him back the love he missed out on. He didn't like my rule of "no drugs" as his dad encouraged him to use them freely and wound up going back to his father. But I speculate that, had I been able to find him, a judge wouldn't have thought that kind of crap going on was a big deal either. Cynical? Yes, and I think I've seen and heard enough to earn the right to be.

So, that all being duly noted, maybe you guys will choose to go a bit easier on me and, at the very least, give me a very tiny glimmer of hope. I know how the world operates, I've experienced it firsthand. And, contrary to popular belief, I'm not hear to whine and complain nor try and come across as a hypocrite, downing the CP for things I do myself. On the contraire, I do not drink excessively, use drugs, beat or even so much as spank my kids and never have, nothing out of the norm. Like there really IS anything that I'd consider remotely normal anymore except the love I have for my children, God and my husband.

And sure, everything I say here is completely one-sided, but it seems I'm part of the majority as EVERYTHING asked here is one-sided, is it not? And there is WAY more about the CP than I have mentioned here before. It's just that, even after five years of separation, I have been too afraid to share any of it, afraid he might see it. I have finally gotten to the point where I am SO tired of everyone thinking he's in the right, it's time to fess up.

He strangled me almost to death in front of my eldest daughter and, had she not intervened, I wouldn't be alive to type this. I didn't call the police because he told me it was my fault he had
to use force and I was so messed up in the head by then I believed him. Everything he did was always my fault as he was capable of no wrong doing. He got on our riding mower drunk as can be and raced up and down our secluded farm road with our little baby in his arms. I ran beside him for miles trying to get him to give me our son, but he wouldn't stop, laughing all the way at me. I DID call the police then (even if it meant my own life I was going to protect my child) and, while I was talking to them, he cut the phone line and then proceeded to parade around the front porch with a shotgun threatening to kill us if we tried to leave. The cops showed up and arrested him, put a mandatory restraining order on him after he got out and, that
too, was my fault.

You're probably thinking I'M the nut and not him for not leaving him immediately, but you don't understand the cycle of abuse if your thoughts steer that way. I grew up in a very wealthy, but abusive environment. I never thought I was good enough, pretty enough, smart enough to be acceptable to others. I went to college and made straight A's while raising my two older children and working full time to try and help other people like me and there are MANY. I've been married 6 times since the age of 18 and am now almost 49. You want to pass judgement on me, tell me I CAN'T do something? Go ahead. I'm used to it, but I will tell you I will die trying and might even be lucky enough to win. Stranger things have happened.

I am finally sharing this with the hope someone else who has been through what I have been through reads this and feels empowered to strive for what she/he believes in and let's nothing and I mean NOTHING stand in their way. People will ALWAYS tell you can't do something you feel you can and, if you listen to them, pretty soon you believe it. Never, EVER believe that for ANYTHING is possible if you want it bad enough and you act in a righteous manner to attain it.

[Dogmatique]

Good lord.

Mom, please listen up a sec.

We've all had trauma in our lives. In this forum there is a widow who lost her husband in his mid thirties, and she also lost a child. She has married again, but those things stay with you. There are others who have experienced heartache, pain and in fact one of the senior members was almost murdered by her parents - SHE knows what child abuse is.

None of this matters though when it comes to legalities. The point remains, you cannot force the courts to listen to a 7 year old. You just can't.

I'm sorry.

[cbg]

I am so very, very sorry for everything you have gone through.

But none of it changes the law. The law still says that you need a change of circumstance. It doesn't say that if you can make a case proving how bad the other parent is, you'll get custody.

We woudn't be doing you any favors by telling you that yes, you can win this, when the law does not support that response.

[wolfcreekgal]

And oh, Good Lord, Dogmatique, listen to yourself will you? You have become SO immune to the tragedies of the world, you are no longer capable of any inkling of compassion. I am a "horse of a different color", if you will, and refuse to take your negative way of thinking to heart. I've read many of your posts here and few (if any) are encouraging. You tell people they CAN'T do something. You, I am certain, have singlehandedly caused a LOT of people here a LOT of grief. You are a man, no question about it. A woman would never have the audacity or lack of empathy to say the things you say.

[LawResearcherMissy]

SHE knows what child abuse is.

I sure do.

But it doesn't stop me from explaining the legal realities to people. I can understand what they're going through - and sometimes the stories trigger me and I'm traumatized all over again - and I grieve for them, but LYING to them is not going to help them.

No one here is willing to lie about child custody issues, either.

And oh, Good Lord, Dogmatique, listen to yourself will you? You have become SO immune to the tragedies of the world, you are no longer capable of any inkling of compassion. I am a "horse of a different color", if you will, and refuse to take your negative way of thinking to heart. I've read many of your posts here and few (if any) are encouraging. You tell people they CAN'T do something. You, I am certain, have singlehandedly caused a LOT of people here a LOT of grief. You are a man, no question about it. A woman would never have the audacity or lack of empathy to say the things you say.

Wolfie, will you step back for a minute and look what you're doing here? Firstly, your misandry is showing. Quit it. Yes, you had the misfortune of having a real douchetruck for a husband. And you know, no one thinks you're stupid for not getting out sooner. Catherine - aardvarc - has done a fine job of educating all of us in the ways of domestic abuse. You need to go visit her resource center, because it sounds like you could still benefit from some counseling and other help. Not all men suck, just some of them, and you had some colossally bad luck in finding one.

Doggie - SHE, whether you like it or not - is doing you a kindness by refusing to lie to you. Maybe it would make you feel better if she lied to you, but what good will that do you? Or your son?

The Law is sometimes a harsh mistress, but we are obliged to abide by her dictates. She says there must be a change in circumstances. She also says that no one on this Earth can compel a judge to listen to a child. I can tell you from bitter experience that judges largely don't want to hear from children - even children beaten to within an inch of their lives.

I'm sorry, Wolfie, but that's just the way the Law is, and she doesn't change for anyone, no matter how angry or upset they might be.

[wolfcreekgal]

Cbg,
I don't know how many times I need to clarify that I "get" what all of you are telling me. I've lost and there ain't a damned thing I can do about it. And nothing this As*&^%$ does matters unless he.....kills my child (then it's too late), rips his eyeballs out of their sockets and, even that seems to be fine as long as he takes him for help (within a realistic time frame) to "fix" the problem at hand. Sexually assaulting him seems to be OK too so I won't go there......WTF????? Are you guys SERIOUS or is this site some kind of joke? I mean, REALLY?

A little kid has to be abused so severely he's missing BODY parts for a judge to ACT? C'mon. I'm naive, but not THAT much so. I have read the Illinois statues thoroughly concerning modifying custody. My approach is two-fold. First, I must prove the CP is not capable of fostering the mother/child bond. Easy to do, piece of cake, got all my ducks in a row. Second, I have to prove I am the better parent. Through my children's testimonies, letters from my ex's and my superior level of schooling, I intend to do EXACTLY what the court in Illinois requires of me. Maybe in New York or Cali you have to be able to "prove" a child is missing a body part due to the CP's actions, CP runs a meth lab with capitol gains exceeding more than a million annually or runs a child prostitution ring with kids under the age of 10, but I've done my homework, friends, and Illinois always prefers for a young child to remain with the mother. My lawyer has been in practice there for over 25 years and has NEVER seen a judge award primary physical of a young child to the father, REGARDLESS of the circumstances. This is encouraging to me. Maybe, just maybe I have chance.

[LawResearcherMissy]

Are you guys SERIOUS or is this site some kind of joke? I mean, REALLY?

You know, I'm growing weary of your shenanigans.

We can't help at all that you do not like the way the law shakes out. Can't help it in the slightest. But I'm not going to let you talk smack at my users, who have only tried to explain the law to you.

Knock it off. Or leave. Know that if you keep this up, you'll be shown the door.

[Dogmatique]

You might want to look for a different attorney.

I can give you mountains of cases where an Illinois court has indeed given primary custody to the father. Your uterus does not make you better than Dad and I'm terrified that you're simply not understanding what you've been told. You are not understanding Illinois law at all.

I do hope you're in therapy. Good luck.

Ms Dogmatique.

[wolfcreekgal]

OK then, lawresearcherMissy, maybe the door is PRECISELY where I need to be shown. There are many other forums like this for people like me to follow, yes, kick off the people who speak their minds and don't concede to your defeatist attitudes. Like I give a rat's behind. I abandoned my original court hearing by listening to you guys and almost lost EVERYTHING I've been fighting for YEARS for. Like all of you are SO elite you have the right to judge someone else, give me a break. At least, AardvarK, ALSO a senior member has the right idea. She offers advice that is both dead-on AND relevant. HER posts really do HELP people and isn't THAT what this forum is for? She is SO brilliant, she gets to the point without ever being offensive or defensive. I am commending one of your own, give me credit for that, before you boot me off, OK?

I get that you're supposed to simply agree with what all of you say to avoid getting the proverbial "boot", but this ain't soviet Russia back in the days of Stalin, my friends. Not yet, anyway.

[Dogmatique]

You don't understand

If I'm the bad guy, that's fine - I'm a big girl. But my heart is practically breaking because you're setting yourself up for even bigger heartbreak.