Phone and Email Contact

[Dogmatique]

They'll only think that if someone else is hinting around at that.

A simple, "Hi honey, things are fine here, enjoy your time with Dad. Love you, Mom" is enough. They're old enough to know that Mom loves them.

[mommato7]

Well then someone has been hinting at it because that what they have said is I must not care since I don't answer them. Idk how to handle it but I told them the last time they emailed that we shouldn't email anymore and left it at that. They are frustrated because they have not had to go to their dads house much and hes remarried again and his wife has 6 kids and the three of then are having trouble adjusting to this. They have been doing things there they never ever do at hone and I don't know why and he keeps asking me about it and I jeep telling him this behavior doesn't happen at home and he doesn't believe me. I've been trying totell them its going to take tine for everyone to adjust to the bee situation but they are fighting it tooth and nail and I jeep telling then they will have fun and to be flexible and reasonable about it but they are mad at him for stepping out in the past and not being there. I feel stuck in the middle of gin and wanting the kids to have a good relationship with gin and them who feel like its not fair that they have no say in wither or not they go there or not. So they soothe themselves by calling me or emailing me and I give them a pep talk and point out that they have responsibility in some of the issues too and they need to understand that everyone has to try a little harder. I try to tell them to talk to their dad about this stuff but they won't cause they are scares they will get in trouble and be punished for saying something to make him mad. I dint want them to end ubeing behavior problems for both parents.
I apologize for all the typos my phone isn't the easiest way to type messages this ling.

[Dogmatique]

(Don't worry about your typos, Mom!)

Are the kids in counseling? That might be an idea. They need to understand that a court order is that - an order. It's not a suggestion and their feelings (whether this is morally right or wrong doesn't matter) aren't a part of the decision.

Dad's only seeing them sporadically at best - every other weekend. That does mean that essentially you're the major influence in their lives and this means they're going to get a lot of how you feel about the situation. I think family therapy might be a great idea, specially since Dad has been off the scene for awhile and he's now back and wanting to be Dad again.

But yes, get your court order specified. I do think - because there doesn't seem to be much co-parenting going on here (and that's not blaming either one of you specifically) - that specific days and times would help. That way if he refuses to allow you to contact the kids per the court order, you can take him to court and ask that he's held in contempt.

I know it's hard to try to co-parent with someone who doesn't seem willing. But, sometimes we have to rise above it all and forget how we feel ourselves. Keep encouraging the kids, and get that court order modified so you do have something solid to work with.

Because at the moment, it's worded so vaguely that it's probably impossible to enforce.

[mommato7]

We are currently in a modification for child support due to him not paying the amount hes supposed to since September so I'm trying to also modify our custoday agreement at the same time. I'm pro-se and he has an attorney and the attorney won't take my calls so we can maybe get something better worked out so I'm trying to come up with a plan on my own to submit in court since I can't get a response from.the attorney. I'm frustrated since our original plan is very vague in many areas and am trying to get something more specific for both our sakes. I'm also frustrated because I'm still complying with the court order and hes only choosing to comply with part. Because we live long distance I was told I had to meet gin halfway which I do even though I have no financial help at all.

Ill be the first to admit I need to work on con parenting because I haven't had to do it for 6 years and now they want me to change the way I do everything to match them and I won't not just because I'm stubborn but because I also have step kids and we are used to the way our house runs and I don't think I should have to upset our balance to please them. Not to mention he hasn't been around and I've been obser my own for awhile now so its annoying for him to come in now and jeep pointing out anything and everything that he thinks I'm screwing up on I mean jeez they are steight a gifited program children how bad can I possibly be doing! I'm working on it though.

The oldest was diagnosied bipolar a few years back and has had on going therapy but that's the only one.I'm thinking about starting it again for all of then atleast for awhile but I don't know if I cab afford the medical copays that go along with the extra therapy right bow.

[Dogmatique]

Please make sure that the court will allow the custody issue to be heard at the same time - they're generally two separate issues.

To be blunt, you're going to have to adapt at some point. What are you going to do if the court allows Dad more time? (If he requests one night a week in addition to his EOW, he'll likely get it). Change is inevitable. And kids adapt.

It might not be fair to the kids, but this is legally what it boils down to - he's Dad. He is allowed, to a huge extent, to come and go from their lives as he pleases. It's your responsibility to encourage the relationship between him and the kids, even if that means you're missing out on what you consider your routine.

At some point you're going to need to let go of that frustration. You can't control him - you can only control how you react to him. Keeping all of the resentment and frustration with you isn't healthy for you OR the kids.

I do understand - I do. I get your frustration. But you've got to let it go.

[mommato7]

We live in two seperate states so I hope he isn't allowed week nights also I'm not sure how I could afford that much travel I'm having a hard enough time as it is paying for the gas. We live about 5 1/2 hours apart
I know I need to adapt I'm working on it may not be doing as good as everyone thinks I should bit I'm teying

[Dogmatique]

Who created the distance?

[mrssmith]

I emphathize with feeling stuck in the middle, mom. My daughter goes to her dad and stepmoms every other weekend and basically folds laundry and watches her dad play video games. She doesn't want to go, cries about going and wants to be on the phone with me every minute if I would let her. I think it is a KEY point that another poster made that your kids will take their cues from you. My daughter emails me occasionally from an account her dad set-up and has access to, and texts me from a phone he bought for her and owns. We check in, say hi, and maybe that we miss each other (maybe one email or a couple texts a weekend)-- but I always keep the tone very upbeat "Can't wait to see you soon!" rather than "I'm so lonely and sad without you"... for example. I never mention him or what they are doing there. If she wants to talk about that, it is in private in our house. Kids are wonderful, but they will have the potential to lure you into a "poor sad lonely me" and if you engage in that, it puts you in the middle and makes you the bad guy. I've learned that the hard way. Encourage them to have fun and then dis-engage from it for the weekend. Like Dogmatique advised... keep it at "See you Sunday! Have fun! Love you!"

[mommato7]

Both of us really. During our divorce and mediation I asked to be abject to move hone where I had family help because where we were was his last duty station and I didn't have any help there. He has since moved for the military and now for personal reason he relocated to where his new wife was living.