Paternity And Visitation After Being Absent From the Child's Life

[Candys]

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: California

My daughter is almost 9 years old and has only met her bio father once when she was 5 months old. here's a little background.

I initially told the bio that I was pregnant but after getting punched in the stomach by him i left him and hid the pregnancy.

I listed the father as "UNKNOWN" on the birth certificate.

I told him about her when she was 5 months old and he visited her once, and never made another attempt to see her. I talked to him for years after over email and he never once asked about her which i have emails to prove. for years i gave him opportunity to see her but after he made no attempt i cut off all ties and decided i didn't want a off and on kind of father for my daughter.

Now she is 8 1/2 years old, My husband has been in her life since she was 10 months old, we decided to raise her as my husband being her father, while my husband is her father since he raised her, she has no clue that my husband is not her bio father.

I received a phone call recently for a paternity test , I was advised by an attorney that I had to go to this and I did so. I think my ex is going for visitation and i have no idea what rights he has, I don't think he should have any rights since he clearly chose not to be in her life. It would be devastating to my daughter to have to be put through this and it would not be in her best interest. I do have on my side the fact that he doesn't know my address therefor he cannot serve me. what are my options?

[LawResearcherMissy]

I think my ex is going for visitation and i have no idea what rights he has, I don't think he should have any rights since he clearly chose not to be in her life.

Sit down and buckle your seatbelt. You're not going to like your answers, they will be harsh and not what you want to hear.

The court doesn't care what you think. At all. The court's position is that at the time you engaged in the baby-making process, you found him to be suitable parenting material. That you no longer feel this way is of no concern to the court. You are not important in this situation and your feelings are irrelevant, and you can expect a judge to tell you this - perhaps more politely, perhaps far less so. It's no longer about you, it's about your daughter's right to have both of her natural parents in her life, regardless of how much they may hate each other.

Ignore your attorney's advice at your peril - you're not as hidden as you think, and if you make the courts track you down to get the paternity testing accomplished, it is going to get very expensive for you.

If your ex is proven by DNA testing to be your daughter's father, he will be put on the birth certificate. He can petition the court for visitation, and HE WILL GET IT. It will likely be supervised at first, given that the child does not know him, but eventually, supervision will be lifted. Get used to the idea that your daughter will be going to spend time with her natural father. It WILL happen.

Once paternity is established, you can petition the court for child support. This also WILL happen. Do understand, however, that support and visitation are two entirely separate issues. If he falls behind in his support, you may not withhold visitation - doing so will land you in contempt, and again, can get very expensive for you.

If you want this man out of your lives, you may be able to use child support as a lever after paternity is established - if he signs off on a step-parent adoption, he'll no longer have to pay child support. As a bonus for you, he will also then have no legal claim to the child. You're going to need to work very closely with your attorney.

[aardvarc]

I have to agree.

I listed the father as "UNKNOWN" on the birth certificate.

Lying about not knowing who the father was won't help matters now. Courts intensely dislike this type of thing. If the child needed to be protected from the other parent, there are ways to do that above board through the courts, and that's what the courts expect to happen.

I told him about her when she was 5 months old and he visited her once, and never made another attempt to see her. I talked to him for years after over email and he never once asked about her which i have emails to prove. for years i gave him opportunity to see her but after he made no attempt i cut off all ties

Ok. But the courts go by DNA. If he's the father, he'll get rights, no matter how long he waited to exercise those rights.

and decided i didn't want a off and on kind of father for my daughter.

Unfortunately, you only got one shot to decide what kind of father the child would get, and that was the moment of making the child. The child has a right to TWO parents, even if one of them is the "off and on" kind. Unless your now husband is willing to adopt, AND the biological father is willing to bless that adoption, the child is legally going to be stuck with the father that was chosen for her.

Now she is 8 1/2 years old, My husband has been in her life since she was 10 months old, we decided to raise her as my husband being her father, while my husband is her father since he raised her, she has no clue that my husband is not her bio father.

The court has no interest in aiding in such deception. This plan has set the child up for a major shake up in her life. If possible, you may want to seek a referral to a family therapist in your area to get help in how to break it to the child that she's been lied to for so long. Because as Missy noted, if dad wants to start acting like a dad, the court is going to support that, UNLESS dad can be shown to be a clear danger to his child (ie he has convictions for crimes against or in the presence of children). You and the man the child THINKS is her father need to prepare emotionally for how to break reality to the child.

I received a phone call recently for a paternity test , I was advised by an attorney that I had to go to this and I did so. I think my ex is going for visitation and i have no idea what rights he has, I don't think he should have any rights since he clearly chose not to be in her life.

But he can change his mind. Even after years.

It would be devastating to my daughter to have to be put through this and it would not be in her best interest. I do have on my side the fact that he doesn't know my address therefor he cannot serve me.

He might not know, but the sheriff's office generally serves process, and they can find you - unless you plan to live on the run, you can plan on being served eventually. (Private process servers also have access to LOTS of things, so if you get mail, have a drivers license, a vehicle registered in your name, are registered to vote, etc. then you're not hard to find.) Additionally, if dad can convince the court that you are purposefully attempting to evade service, the court can rule and award dad a custody order without you being there and having the opportunity to fight against dad's case.

what are my options?

You really need to speak to an attorney. First so that you can get a good understanding of the realities you and your child are about to face; second, so that requests for things like supervised visitation can be properly requested and implimented if dad is seeking visitation, and third, so that if hubby and father are both agreeable to step parent adoption, you'll have assistance in getting the correct steps taken for that to happen.