My Children Want Their Names Changed

**horseyjess** · 05-15-2012, 04:13 AM

My question involves name change laws in the State of: FL

I do have an atty but he is cheap and well takes a lot of time and is usually to busy to return calls. I currently reopened my divorce for modification. I am having it changed from shared parental responsibility to sole for myself. My Atty is so on the ball this has been going on since Aug. I feel like I have a public defender in the CJ world lol!

Here is the background in my case. My ex-husband and I split in 06 when our children were barely 5 and 8. I would have gone sooner but knew that he wasn’t going to stay around if I left him. I didn’t know I could file for CS without a divorce. He wouldn’t take the kids or help me in anyway when we split. So therefore I couldn’t file for divorce right away. I started working 2 jobs and taking care of two kids alone. He had consults with a few attys and then they wouldn’t see me. We had domestic violence and he spent some time in the county jail. He was given supervised visitation and he never took that. I met my now husband and we moved in together in June of 07. With his help I was able to file for divorce. My Ex had an expensive atty but even with that when you screw up you screw up and she could only do so much for him. He had zero visitations with the kids from Oct 06 until March 08. I was tired of the way things were dragging out and going. My Atty told me to give in to him on some things that if I was to ridgid I could lose the kids to him. Though he had tried to stab his father. His parents and sister were going to go to court for me. I wanted the divorce final so I settled against my best judgment. My atty also scared me to think he could get the kids full time. So he got every other weekend visits after a few weeks of no overnights. He took his every other weekend visitation from the middle of April of 08 until the end of Aug of 08. He missed a few weekends here and there. Meanwhile my current husband was there fulltime. I worked nights and he became dad. I never asked nor did he for my kids to call him dad they just started somewhere before the divorce was final. My husband coaches their sports and is a great dad. I was reluctant to remarry but became pregnant with our daughter so we married in April 2010. My now 10 year old can really only remembers my husband as her father. My 14 year old became bitter and doesn’t want anything to do with BIO dad. He is not anywhere around. He moved out of state and dropped all contact. My 14 year old wants her name changed but not as bad as my 10 year old. She wants the same name as me, her "dad" and her baby sister. I do not want to ask the courts to do a step parent adoption, I will admit this sounds selfish but. I want my ex to be held to some responsibility to help support our kids the ones that HE and I wanted. I do not want to let him off the hook so easy as he has tried to do by disappearing. How likely would it be that I can get the courts to change their name? In the current reopening of the case we had to do diligent search, and publication and no avail. My 10 year old has been trying to write a different last name on her paperwork etc. I have stopped her and she gets upset. UGH what to do what to do? I know that I do not want to use my atty again because my girls will be 18 and 21 before it gets done lol! Plus I figure once this modification is closed and shows that he never showed for diligent search or publication that it might be easier?

**Mr. Knowitall** · 05-16-2012, 10:42 AM

First and foremost, you need to get past your own feelings. This isn't about you, your feelings about your ex-, or your feeling that he should do more for your children than he's willing to do. This is about your children and what is in the best interest of your children. From what you have told us, with your ex having chosen to vanish from the scene for a number of years, stepparent adoption does appear to be the best way to give them a legal relationship with a stable father figure. At their age, their actual wishes, no pressure from parents, should be part of the consideration.

You would be asking the court to make a best interest finding on the question of the name change, but although you've explained dad's absence you haven't gone further to try to explain how your children would benefit from a name change. Better bonding with a stepparent who is not willing to adopt? A bit iffy. "My fourteen-year-old is indifferent"? Not particularly compelling. Is it possible that a court would accede, given dad's absence? Yes, it's possible. But I personally would want to offer a stronger case. (Granted, there may be more that could come into play than the modest amount of information provided above.)

**horseyjess** · 05-19-2012, 04:03 AM

I understand it is not about my feelings. Tho it does suck for the girls that he did things they way he did!

Oh my husband is willing to adopt the girls. It is myself that is being standoffish on the actual adoption issue. I love my husband more than words and he is a GREAT father. Things come to an end sometimes (not that I see that in sight). Also here is where I am being as you may call me unreasonable. Even tho my ex husband rarely pays support, he also has ZERO contact. I feel as tho he chose to have these children. Nether were an accident and we talked about it before I became pregnant with either one. I feel like completely letting him off the hook is a load of BS. Now my husband would rather adopt than have him even a small amount financially support the kids.

As far as better bonding that cannot happen. My husband is dad. My ex sister in law, we just tell people she is my sister btw. She is my ex-husband/ children’s fathers actual sister. Thanks my husband every so often when we get together. Also has made comments on a number of times how she is so happy the girls have him. His parents (this is weird for my husband) came to our house and visited when our child was born. (my ex-husbands family has nothing to do with him he went nuts and stabbed his dad when we split and he moved in with them) Anyone that didn’t know my ex-husband cannot tell that my current husband is not dad. They will call him MR x (the kids last name) or we will be out and they will talk about the Y girls (our current last name).

My 14 year old wanted her name changed 2 years ago when she was 11 and 12. There were no questions asked of this. The kids they approached me and my husband separate about this issue. Now I have talked recently to my 14 year old about this. She wants my husband to adopt her that what she wants. If anything happened to me she wants to stay where she is. With her siblings, one is her 1/2 sibling with my husband, and my husband. The name change thing is what she is on the fence about. I think with the age and going into HS she feels like her identity would change. She spoke with my ex sis in law a while ago. I guess my daughter called her to talk to her about it. How would people know who she is that type of stuff? She is now concerned with the will people know who she is and will this change her identity thing. The 10 year old well she just wants the same last name as dad and her little sister. She doesn’t care who it confuses we have found scratch paper where she has written her name with y (my current husbands) last name.

I am so torn about the issue as for my feelings for my ex-husband and his blatant disregard for the kids. The whole you left me so forget it all thing he has done. The whole amount of crap that he put the kids through when he disappeared and left me to pick up their lives. The whole "letting him off the hook" thing through the step parent adoption is a bitter pill to swallow for me. Even if it’s what the kids and hubby now wants. Plus to be honest I KNOW that I will have to do a deeper search and things have been good for years. I KNOW I can’t have everything my way but can wish!

I do know I want to do what my kids want and would make them happiest. I do know that my ex changes like the tides. That he may get wind of the Custody change as it has been in the paper. If I changed their names he may hear of it. Those things he will probably just let roll. I just fear asking for his rights to be taken or to take him for more CS as he may go ahead and flip our worlds upside down. Then he may think hey I think I want to be dad again. Then completely disrupt everything and confuse them yet again. So there are my selfish reasons behind things. Take them as you may.

**flyingron** · 05-19-2012, 04:33 AM

The information is here: http://www.flcourts.org/gen_public/f...rules/982c.pdf

Your case isn't going to be tried here, and really even in court your emanational baggage isn't going to be relevant. What kids WANT is largely immaterial. Having to explain that the man who lives at her house is not her FATHER is NOT going to be compelling. If you are so bitter about sticking it to your ex that you won't consider allowing your husband to adopt the kids, then that is your issue. Further, there appears to be nothing compelling here that eh should roll over and allow the adoption anyhow.

**horseyjess** · 05-23-2012, 03:51 AM

So no calls, no visits, very sporadic if best child support, a COMPLETE absent biological parent. A stable suitable father figure married to mom living with the children acting as father in EVERY aspect. To whom the children desire to be their "legal" parent doesn’t qualify as a case the courts would allow a step parent adoption on. WOW so what would. That wasn’t the question tho it was about allowing the name change NOT to remove all parental rights. Though he has really relinquished all of them by moving to who knows where and ceasing any and all contact years ago.