No Parenting Plan or Custody Established for 8 Year Old

[rysmamma]

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Washington
I am the mother, my 8 year old son has lived with me always. his biological father and i split when our child was 2. the state went after him for child support then due to my son being on state medical benefits, i have never modified it and it has been the same since then. I was recently informed by my ex that he has a new job at higher rate of pay and more hours. He also stated that he will not be having his usual visits due to his work hours. Pretty much he said he will no longer be around, no school activities or sports. Now my ex has never been regular with his visits from day one. there will be months where he will have him every weekend as i have let him then a few more months of nothing at all especially in the spring and summer when he likes to go party or 4 wheeling. The last 3 visits were about 2 months ago and my son informed me that he was sleeping on my ex's new girlfriends couch. My ex and i had words about this and i told him it was unacceptable, but he said it was only because he had no food in his house, which also raised a red flag for me. My ex and i spilt due to him being violent with me for about 4 years, i finally got enough guts to leave him after being abused for a long time but i was too stupid to ever report him. Since then i have married a wonderful man who i have two other children with. My husband would love to adopt my son but we know that cannot happen unless my ex terminates his parental rights. I have also checked into modifying child support and after the worksheet was filled out and all of our incomes put in, said my ex should be paying 609 per month. THis is almost 3 times the amount he has been paying. I would love to offer him the chance to sign over parental rights so he does not have to pay this, however if he does not chose this i would like to move forward on a parenting plan that gives me as much custody as possibly, residential and decision making. Currently i have a protection order for my son against my ex mom due to her trying to take him from school and sporting events without anyones knowledge or permission. My ex has never abused my son that i am aware of but my son is scared of him and worries about getting into trouble for coming home telling me things such as him spending the night at his girlfriends house, the places they go and things that are done and said. Of course i make my son feel as comfortable as possibly when he offers this info, i want him to be able to tell me whatever bothers him however when i hear of things such as my ex sleeping with the neighbor girl while him and his girlfriend are mad at each other, and the pictures of naked girls all over my ex bedroom wall its difficult to not get upset. I have explained these things are harmful to the child but my ex thinks i am just too strict. Now that he has willingly said he is not going to be around i would like to try and get full custody or possibly have my husband adopt. I don't know if these things are relevant in court but i do have letters from my ex admitting he has hit him several times, including his signature. At the time he thought this was a way to get me back but i saved the letters ever since just in case. i woudl like to know if anyone has been thru anything similar, how to pursue this and if i have a case to build on.....granted i have specific situations documented with details and dates of missed visits and everything that has been happening

[Dogmatique]

Sigh..the answers won't change just by you switching forums.

You've been told already the minimum parenting plan.

Given that he's about to be (presumably?) hit with a child support order for 3 times the amount he's paying, why not discuss the stepparent adoption?

[rysmamma]

sorry but i felt i was under attack and decided to rewrite when i had more time to put an educated and more detailed post down, i have a hard time with the minimum parenting plan thing in Wa state because i have several friends who have gone thru this and none of that other forum was even close to the situations ive come across. i know talking to friends about their plans may not be the best research but i am naive about these things and would like an answer and ideas rather than being bashed on, hence the switch of forums

[Dogmatique]

I know you deleted your other thread - so I do have one basic question (I'm getting old - the memory isn't what it was!).

What do YOU want in terms of parenting time with Dad?

Is your son in counseling? What's going on there?

(By the way - sleeping on the couch is a parenting difference. The courts don't care. It's allowable)

[rysmamma]

well right now he has said he wont be around..via text which i saved.... so honestly id like too keep it to the bare minimum maybe one weekend a month, i really dont know and would like to move forward on the step parent adoption, however would like to be prepared if thats a no go. I guess the sleeping on the couch thing is that he has a room at his dads and i was informed the reason he has been at his girlfriends while he had his visits was because he didnt have food...he told me it wasnt because he didnt have money but because he didnt see the point if its just him most of the time. I dont know if i believe that due to him quitting his job and just last week got a new one. but that obviously doesnt matter. I would just like his visits to be where i know he is, i dont like not knowing where my son is sleeping, its scary. he has been on and off with this girl and other girls so bouncing from couches doesnt seem very healthy. yes my son is in counseling, the school requested it after i place a protection order against his grandma for trying to take him from the school. he has stated in counseling his fear of his father however no one has pinpointed why and where its stemming from. I want all decision making because i have had it since day one, he to this day asks for permission for anything at all. yes i did delete my thread because it was quickly done and felt it was being bashed on instead of recieving and real advice and i didnt think any response would make it better

[Dogmatique]

Okay. In this state (we're in the same state), sole legal custody is unusual without a really good reason. Joint legal is the norm.

The reality is that the courts trust your decision - the decision you made when you decided that Dad was good parenting material. He can, quite literally, couch-surf permanently and still have every other weekend/one night per week (fairly standard in this state) visitation. Because the court trusts that Dad is not going to put his son in danger.

If the counselor is willing to testify that it's Dad's visitation directly causing your child's problems, then you might be able to get supervised visitation. But honestly, that's really the best you can hope for at this point.

I highlighted that last part because if Dad is NOT using his visitation time, for a year or more, you can THEN go to court and perhaps get visitation suspended or modified.

Now with all that said, please remind me - are there or are there not any court orders currently in place? (Regarding visitation, not child support)

Because my answer might change....

[rysmamma]

There is nothing at all for anything, neither one of us has done any legal action it was assumed when i left our son would be with me, i control school, sports, church, clothes and anything else aside from him taking him fri and sat whenever he was free enough to take him. He has never even taken him for a summer vacation in fact the longest he has ever seen his dad at one time is maybe 4 days after i was hospitalized due to the swine flu 2 years ago. and by his choice i give him first dibs every summer as to what he wants to with his vacation time from work but he has never done anything

[Dogmatique]

Then as of this exact moment in time, you don't have to allow ANY visitation at all. No contact.

Now, would that be great parenting? Likely not. But, it would be your decision.

So, as things stand, it's entirely up to you how much contact you want to allow. If the answer is "none", there's nothing saying you have to allow Dad contact. He's free to file for partial custody and visitation himself, of course.

[rysmamma]

ya i dont want to do that id like to keep my nose clean this is headed to court one way or another. and honestly i do my best to keep my son in the dark of the things his dad has and is doing however he is quickly noticing he is getting ditched therefor has been making the choice not to go when he doesnt want to, and his dad doesnt argue, my son just tells him he wants to stay home and his dad just says ok...simple...i just dont want this to last months then him come back and forth deciding when he wants to be around, to me thats the most harmful, so while he is out of the picture for the most part i thought it would be good to try and get this started, i dont have a clue if he will even try to fight any of it, i just want to be prepared for the worst and dont know if the dirt i have on him and the record keeping i have done is going to even matter, his criminal record is clean thanks to me being chicken yrs ago..looks like i really need to find a good lawyer

[Dogmatique]

Honey, don't let your son decide. With no court orders, YOU decide...not your child. Don't give kiddo that kind of power over you and Dad this early on - that's a major mistake.

Stop thinking about dirt. Because trust me, flinging it at Dad will only leave your hands dirty too. You don't want that.

Just stop. Think about what you want to do, and what's best for your son. Between this and your other threads (which I know, yes, you deleted), you're all over the place right now.

Stop it. Take some deep breathes. Stop thinking that you have to decide everything in a heartbeat - you don't!

And don't make any rash decisions that you might regret...I'm talking about the stepparent adoption here.