Domestic Violence Protection Order Hearing Due to Alleged Gun Threat

[Pootter]

My question involves restraining orders in the State of: NC

I have a DVPO hearing next week. It is supposedly for threatening my wife with a gun and having thrown her son out of the house right after graduation last year. At the time he was 17, soon turned 18. I did not threaten her, let alone with a gun. Yes I have guns but am very respectful of them as I was of her.

I have face book conversations the son had with friends, while at home a week after graduation, saying he had to leave for school the following week. She had enrolled him in junior college. Needless to say this paper work debunks the son accusation.

I don't have any evidence on the threat charge other than she did this a day before we were suppose to go to mediation to get a separation agreement started for divorce. She had become extremely angry over what we, and I say we, were coming up with on the split of assets. We had a prenuptial and we both had inheritance that we had combined as marital assets so the division was right down the middle.

I do have a writing of hers, three months earlier, where she tells her blog following that I am a good natured, patient, husband. No indication of any previous problems. No other character reference: my word against hers.

I want back in the house for financial, health and emotional reasons. My whole life is in that house and we are both on the deed.

Being a first time accused, her having what could be viewed as an alterior motive, she cleaned out our bank account while I was dealing with the police, and the son complaint being obviously a lie, how do you think I will be treated by the family courts?

Any first time offenders, guilty or not guilty, I would like to hear from you also.

[drthyrd]

My question involves restraining orders in the State of: NC

I have a DVPO hearing next week. It is supposedly for threatening my wife with a gun and having thrown her son out of the house right after graduation last year. At the time he was 17, soon turned 18. I did not threaten her, let alone with a gun. Yes I have guns but am very respectful of them as I was of her.

A he said she said situation.

I don't have any evidence on the threat charge other than she did this a day before we were suppose to go to mediation to get a separation agreement started for divorce. She had become extremely angry over what we, and I say we, were coming up with on the split of assets. We had a prenuptial and we both had inheritance that we had combined as marital assets so the division was right down the middle.

It is very hard to prove things you have never done. It is equally challenging however to prove things that actually were done in the privacy of your own home. The fact you were having a heated argument regarding division of assets could be, as you allege, her motive for falsely accusing you. Or, it could be that her insistence that the marital assets be divided differently than you want lead you to threaten her with a gun to try to get your way.

I do have a writing of hers, three months earlier, where she tells her blog following that I am a good natured, patient, husband. No indication of any previous problems. No other character reference: my word against hers.

Both statements could be true. She thought you were a good natured guy until the argument when you threatened her with a weapon.

I want back in the house for financial, health and emotional reasons. My whole life is in that house and we are both on the deed.

The good news is that even if the restraining order is granted, it will not necessarily change the division of assets in the divorce. She could get the RO and you could ultimately get the house. Or vice versa. Is she able to pay for the house without your help? Can you afford to buy out her share of equity in the home and still make the house payments?

Being a first time accused, her having what could be viewed as an alterior motive, she cleaned out our bank account while I was dealing with the police, and the son complaint being obviously a lie, how do you think I will be treated by the family courts?

Her ulterior motive is clear. So is yours. There are reasons that lies could behoove either of you in this situation. It will be up to the judge to determine who is more credible. Many judges will err on the side of caution due to unfortunate strings of cases (that sound just like yours) where the judge deemed there was not enough evidence (beside the victim’s word) to issues an order and then that victim ended up dead shortly thereafter at the hands of the abuser. That story has played itself out around the country with enough frequency to make judges cautious.

Any first time offenders, guilty or not guilty, I would like to hear from you also.

Unless there are charges pending that you haven’t mentioned, you aren’t going to be found guilty or not guilty. Protection orders are civil orders. Violation of the order becomes a criminal offense, but the order itself is issues in civil court and does not create a criminal record.

[aardvarc]

If the order is granted, you can also expect that local law enforcement will be instructed to take possession of your firearms, unless you can convince the court to allow other arrangements (such as selling them).

[Pootter]

Thanks for the thourough response.

She can afford the house. It has no mortgage. She couldn't get a mortgage because she is not working so she won't have the money to buy me out whatever the court rules as an equitable distribution. I could get a reverse mortgage and buy out her helf.

Under the circumstances as you know them, and I hope I can convince the judge I don't pull guns on anyone and don't threaten to kill in any circumstances and I was pretty content with how the mediation points were working out so I was not angry at all about that matter, do first time offenders have the RO permanently granted? It being "she said he said" and my being able to show good evidence that he 2nd charge about the son is totally false and made up do you think the judge will find with one statement false the other has some credibility problems.

Just for clarification we weren't having any arguements over the mediation apointment. We had been passing proposals back and forth for a month or so and she gave me her last proposal and other than one point, having to do with a car and my buying out her half, we had not even discussed the issues. We passed it back and forth until we had reached a compromise. A couple of times she accused me of being a con man and a thief, not even in a loud voice. I did not even comment back to her when she used those terms on me.

Again thanks for the point by point answer.

[Pootter]

I thought it would be good for the soul and readers to hear the latest.

I had the DVPO hearing Tues, 5/1/2012. Never went in front of the judge other than to say I agreed to the orders the lawyers worked out in this matter. what B---S.

The DVPO was "dissolved and replaced with this order". That order is a personal protective order. Same consequences but not weapons confiscation. I get to retrieve my weapons eventually. Sooner rather than later I think, Have to file a request which I will do when the "Communicating Threat" charge is heard and we believe dismissed because of this dismissal and proof of a lying "b----". What an ordeal based on a evil, vindictive, greedy, spouse. Someone yesterday said "she will get hers". I hope I am around to see, hear, learn about it and realize some payback. In the meantime I am going to get her for everything I can, that she would have gotten from me but for this decaying action on her part. She reminds me of a "Walking Dead" carcass that just won't go to earth.

So next on the list is the criminal charge. I hope she doesn't show up again, she didn't show for the 4/11 hearing and it got continued until 5/24. Maybe the DA will find her in contempt, I sure find her in contempt. My atty feals good about our chances with all the evidence that she lied between the Arrest and DVPO and the evidence is certainly not "beyond a reasonable doubt". Especially now that she allowed the DVPO to be "recinded and dissolved".

I will keep all posted as to the conclusion. I wanted the end results in these posts and didn't find many. Maybe I will start a trend to end the "storey"

[Dogmatique]

No offense, but hopefully you'll get some counseling too.

[Pootter]

I have been saying my prayers, trying to find forgiveness, and not wishing ill on her. Counciling, maybe later. Past experiences with bleeding hearts has not set well with me. A councilor with her and her son got all this started. They are only worth their values and most of their values are self directed. "Take care of yourself first and F___ what effect that has on others, immediate or extended".

[aardvarc]

A councilor with her and her son got all this started.

Unless you mean that a counselor kidnapped them and brainwashed them, then the counselor couldn't have "got all this started". SOMETHING made her SEEK counseling in the first place and although the counselor might have spurred changes or action, the sitations or circumstances that PROMPTED her to get counseling are at the root of matters.

[Pootter]

You are correct in that they were not kidnapped. The councilor stated that in marriages with children it is better that the natural parent provide the direction and rules of the house. Her son, 17 at the time, 18 three months later was an issue for me after a serious breach of trust with us. I use us to denote that she felt betrayed also, at the time. We layed out some restrictions which she started reneging on. That is what brought us to counciling because I felt she had betrayed our "pact" with each other as to the consequences of his action. After counciling, I admit one session because of the suggestion of the councilor that she should set the standards when, for three years, we had been parenting together. I felt betrayed and told her so and we never went back to counciling. I also told her that had we talked about one parenting or practiced it early on I would not have married her. Maybe my fault but I believe a husband and wife, married for love, put all others behind in their support of each other. I maybe didn't get the point across well because when I brought this up she said she could not dessert her son. That told me, in my hurt state, that I was second when it came to her son and I started feeling that she was treating me that way. I didn't want her to abandon her son I just wanted a compromise in how he affected our lives. Adult children who are being supported by both parents, we were living off our investments and my SS, affect the lives and future of both parents and often times are selfish in that regard. I was affected and had to let her know it, which led to a spiraling of events that culminated in her falsely accusing me of threatening her. She writes in her blog "What a tragic waste when two hearts, once so full of joy and optimism, discover that love has morphed into fear, affection into wariness, and desire into revulsion". I can't communicate with her because of a no contact order but I want to tell her that my heart is still on the joy (maybe not so much at this moment), optimism, love, affection and desire track. We have just lost the path together.

[Pootter]

I had my criminal charge hearing, finally. 90 days from arrest for false allegation of threatening her life with a gun. I entered a plea agreement. The DA and I guess her, she went back into the DA's office from the court room to discuss what she wanted according to my atty, offered 90 days more for the charge to be dismissed and alcohol counciling, and I countered thru my atty, 30 days and I will go to alcohol assessment immediately. My atty said he would try and off he went and when he came back he had his thumb up and we got what we asked for. So on June 27, 126 days from my arrest date, this charge will be dismissed. $1,000 $'s later. There is an insider issue to all this but I cannot tell of it because of the privilege with my lawyer.

So now I try and work on getting the other PO dropped. I am trying different ideas with my lawyer by putting as much pressure as I can through divorce matters and her adult son's action's during this period. He is living in the house. Guess no college for the time being. Threatening me, having drunk fests (he is 18, legal age is 21) at the house that the court gave her exclusive control of, showing hostility toward police, "we ought to kill some pigs", anything I can get my hands on. Also putting in front of her offers to not fight on possesion of her adult son's car, not take her to court on theft of Social Secutity money a day after the now official day of separation and anything I can think of to get her on edge and thinking twice about me not being allowed back in my house. My lawyer, who I do like, says he will do anything that is legal and ethical and doesn't go against his principal's, like lying, but all this is costly.

The courts are definitely slanted to the woman and since I can't chance loosing at a trial, I think I would win but lawyers make money stringing it out, I keep negotiating with the "B---h". I would love for the courts to just find she lied. Maybe before this is all over. Now have spent $5,000 on these legal fees.

This system and unjust process of the law in these type of matters stinks. Wish I would win the lotto and I would mount an effort to change this process and educate lawyers and judges and the whole court system of the unjust, not speedy, and slanted, unproven charge nature of this process.

YOU ARE DEFINETLY GUILTY UNTIL PROVEN INNOCENT and that rarely happens in "she said, he said" cases. This whole issue of FALSE ALLEGATIONS is one big Cluster F--k.