Stepparent Harassed by Non-Custodial Parent

[John.Byars79]

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Tennessee and Florida

My husband and his ex wife (Who resides in Florida) share a son. I have taken care of my step son for two years, fullfilling the roles as his mother emotionally, and financially. His biological mother has been absent three years claiming to have Lupus and a hectic party schedule. However, two months ago she filed contempt against my husband claiming we were willfully hiding the child. We backed up the case with a years worth of evidence against his ex, showing where she openly admitted to wanting NO contact with her child. She was denied full custody and support. The custody agreement has been changed from 50/50 to I guess you would say "80/20" She is allowed summer visitation and Christmas break. She is also only allowed ONE phone call a day and that call must take place at 6 pm CST. We are both in Central time. My husband works Monday through Thursday from Noon until 10 pm, therefore I am the only parent around the minor child at 6 pm. Since the agreement was set two weeks ago, she has yet to call at 6 pm. She calls all day long threatening to call the police on me if I do not answer immediately, and then calls around 6 30 pm. I have answered the phone calls at 6 30 pm, because I do not feel like having confrontation with her. However, today, when she did not call at 6:00 pm, I called her twice at 6:03 and 6:05. She did not answer my calls. I then sent her a text message stating we were having some "personal family matters today, and I will no longer be able to answer the phone this evening. We tried calling you, and you did not answer." She called 30 minutes later leaving me a voice mail stating my "personal family matters" were not her concern and that she has a life and did not feel like answer when I called at 6:03 and 6:05. However, how that SHE had found time to call, it was my job to be ready and willing to answer her late phone call. She immediately stated she would be calling the police because I did not answer. Once again I managed to text message her apologizing for the inconvenience, despite her detailed agreement on phone calls, but we could not talk on the phone at that current moment, which is why we called her on time to begin with. Since then she's threatened to call the cops on me three times this evening. This is an everyday occurrence, when she does not have her way. It is embarrassing and a hassle. I have one other child with my husband, and a baby on the way. This is not stress I can handle. I love my step son, but I feel this is not my drama to bare. What can I do about her harassment and threats? The agreement does not specify WHO's phone must be used to give her contact once a day, and I am tired of it being put on me. Do I have any rights here?

[Selany]

Hi, I'm not an expert but this is similar to something I went through so I am piping up. My ex had video-visitation rights but refused to arrange for a specific time, called or texted me at random times accusing me of not letting him talk to his daughter. Anyway - what I did was change my phone number. I did document the harassment and threats by filing a police report. Police won't really do anything but you have that documentation - and an official witness, i.e. I showed them my evidence and they filed the report indicating that they saw my corresponding evidence. Document everything. She can't call the police on you - I mean, yes, she can call the police on you but the police won't get involved anyway.
Then, you can add an additional line with a very simple phone without texting option (most phone companies will charge an additional $10.00 or so? Totally worth it in this situation) and let her know that she should use that phone number for her telephone-visitation with your stepson. Then, all you have to do is check the phone at the pre-arranged time once a day and that's it. You might want to disable voicemail option as well. Keep all the phone statements for that phone number so you can document when she calls or doesn't.
My ex did take me to court when I took certain measures for "contempt". I counter-filed and asked the judge to enforce the custody agreement by submitting all these documentations. I also submitted all my own emails to him asking him politely to please follow the decree/agreement and to please stop the harassment.
The judge was very clear - that if he does not call within 10 minutes of prearranged time, he will lose his visitation for the week. And if he tries to email me about anything other than the visitation agreement, I don't have to allow visitation for the week, etc..

[Dogmatique]

Why not have Dad modify the agreement, so that child is made available between the hours of 6 and 7, for example?

That's far more common (saying she must call at 6pm is unusually restrictive - most orders have at least a 1-hour window of availability).

There's something I do see more worrisome though, and that's your husband's schedule. A decent attorney may be able to get custody switched at some point so that Mom has kiddo during the evenings since Dad isn't home until after kiddo is in bed.

(In fact there's a recent case here where that exact thing happened, but because of Mom's schedule).

The judge was very clear - that if he does not call within 10 minutes of prearranged time, he will lose his visitation for the week. And if he tries to email me about anything other than the visitation agreement, I don't have to allow visitation for the week, etc..

That is INCREDIBLY unusual - I'm surprised Dad's attorney didn't get that tossed out just on principle, to be honest.

(I'm not saying it's not justified in your case - I really have no idea - but honestly, unless there is MAJOR justification which you haven't mentioned here, a decent attorney would have had that tossed in a heartbeat. OP shouldn't expect it )

[Selany]

For this motion, neither of us had attorneys (he went pro se while I had an attorney for the initial divorce hearing). I was able to provide ample evidentiary documentation that about 98% of his contact with me had nothing to do with custody issues, there was a pattern of harassment, and repeated refusal to meet me even a tenth of the way. So, yes, you are right - there was a history that my attorney also made evident on the original decree and the modified amendment that the judge took that into consideration as well as new evidence I provided. :-)

"There's something I do see more worrisome though, and that's your husband's schedule. A decent attorney may be able to get custody switched at some point so that Mom has kiddo during the evenings since Dad isn't home until after kiddo is in bed."

I was assuming that OP and the mom lived in different states...? That's why I piped up - our case was also in two different states... sorry if I assumed incorrectly! (disregard everything I said, in that case... )

As Dogmatique says, I do think that, perhaps for the sake of peace between all parties, modification to clearly define the time of call, i.e. between this time and that time would be helpful!

[John.Byars79]

My husband and his ex originally has a 50/50 agreement set 4 years ago. She immediatly denied wanting to take care of her son. Since I've been in this family two years, she's never hesitated to inform us of her busy party life, and she simply cannot take care of child. We have the emails, and voicemails. In the past 6 months, she's claimed she's dying from kidney failure due to lupus (And obscene drinking) and she begged the judge for full custody of her son. The judge basically laughed at her. Stating she can't claim to be dying and have a child full time. That Dad has been taking care of him with NO financial help for three years, besides me, his new wife. She was denied everything she has for, even when my husband schedule was brought forth to use against him. The judge stated, that I, his wife, was fully capable of being used as communication to her son. Originally she denied wanting to use my phone to talk to her son, and then judge told her she no longer could use that excuse. She can't file for contempt when she's denying she even wants to speak to him, and then accuse of us not letting her.

As for the 6pm phone call...that was HER decision. Not ours. We've never been against the phonecalls. We think she's trouble, but we won't deny her child teh right to speak to her. However, before the court hearing she was calling at 5 am, when no one is awake or at 11 pm when her son is asleep. We asked she call during a decent time, that fit both our schedules. SHE picked 6 pm, with no time frame. As the wife, being with my step son during the week, I have let her call at 6 15, 6 30 and still answered. It annoys be, from a mothers point of view, because if my time was a 6 with my child, I'd be calling at 6. When I phoned her the other day (Because we had future engagements at her normal 6 15 call) she informed me she "had a life" and didn't want to speak at 6. The next day, we called her at 6 pm, per the agreement. She answered, annoyed, stating that she goes out with friends at 6 30 most days. So at 6 pm, she's curling her hair and does not want to be bothered with the phone. This is what she told her son as to why she can't call on time. However, I am tired of being threatened. I have learned the cops can't really do anything, and we literally keep the new custody agreement along with her harrassing evidence sitting on our shelf by the front door, waiting for a visit by police. They never come. So either she just threatens it (which is highly annoying, given we are not a cop visiting kind of household) or they aren't coming when she calls. Dad is trying to modify the agreement for child support, given she no long has 50% of custody, which she used as her excuse not to help financially beforehand. Point is: I'm getting really tired of being nice to this woman. 6 pm, is 6 pm, is 6 pm. I don't want to be rude and give her 60 seconds to place a call before I ignore her, but I won't be threatened when SHE can't call until 6 30 either. If I can clear our busy schedules to make sure he's by the phone at 6, she can certainly clear her schedule for her child.

Why not have Dad modify the agreement, so that child is made available between the hours of 6 and 7, for example?

That's far more common (saying she must call at 6pm is unusually restrictive - most orders have at least a 1-hour window of availability).

There's something I do see more worrisome though, and that's your husband's schedule. A decent attorney may be able to get custody switched at some point so that Mom has kiddo during the evenings since Dad isn't home until after kiddo is in bed.

(In fact there's a recent case here where that exact thing happened, but because of Mom's schedule).




That is INCREDIBLY unusual - I'm surprised Dad's attorney didn't get that tossed out just on principle, to be honest.

(I'm not saying it's not justified in your case - I really have no idea - but honestly, unless there is MAJOR justification which you haven't mentioned here, a decent attorney would have had that tossed in a heartbeat. OP shouldn't expect it )

Absolutely! And I assumed she'd pick a time frame to call. She did not. She was the one who chose 6 pm with her attorney. She gave no time frame. Even now with her threats of missing her phone call time (Which technically is a good 60 seconds, but I usually extend it about 15-30 minutes) she still threatens me and missed her call half the time. She's admitted it's because she's getting ready to go out with friends. To her child, she admits this. The case is being held in Florida, but we go by Tennessee laws because that is where her son lives. Once she lost in court, we were immediately threatened that she would abide by the summer visitation rules, about picking him up, or making sure he doesn't spend the night with anyone while she isn't there. But this phone call deal is annoying! I love this child, but I do not love this drama it has put me and the other children under. I hate dealing with her. She's rude, and expects me to just lay down and give her everything she wants, ignoring her order entirely.

For this motion, neither of us had attorneys (he went pro se while I had an attorney for the initial divorce hearing). I was able to provide ample evidentiary documentation that about 98% of his contact with me had nothing to do with custody issues, there was a pattern of harassment, and repeated refusal to meet me even a tenth of the way. So, yes, you are right - there was a history that my attorney also made evident on the original decree and the modified amendment that the judge took that into consideration as well as new evidence I provided. :-)

"There's something I do see more worrisome though, and that's your husband's schedule. A decent attorney may be able to get custody switched at some point so that Mom has kiddo during the evenings since Dad isn't home until after kiddo is in bed."

I was assuming that OP and the mom lived in different states...? That's why I piped up - our case was also in two different states... sorry if I assumed incorrectly! (disregard everything I said, in that case... )

As Dogmatique says, I do think that, perhaps for the sake of peace between all parties, modification to clearly define the time of call, i.e. between this time and that time would be helpful!