Father Pinching and Biting Child

[amalina9966]

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: California
Hello, This involves my daughter who is 7. I have 4 children and she is the only one that has to go to access. She has had forced access since she was 6 months old. I was only in a relationship for a couple of months and silly me told the guy. I have been to court at least 12 times as he is spiteful and told me he wants access to please his family and friends. I have been though it all. My daughter clinging to me at changeover and him coming up yanking her from me and walking away with her screaming, she came back from access hitting me in the stomach, kicking the cat etc and each time she did it she said 'Mark and stepmum told me to do it'. This happened for over a year. Now the latest thing that is happening. She is coming back saying Mark is biting and pinching her and smacking her on the arm. She is saying Mark is playfighting. But Chantelle says it hurts, she tries to run away but he holds her clothes. My daughter has drawn 3 pictures for herself angry, mad, disappointed about going to Marks. Also a picture of Mark pinching her and tears coming down her face. To me, the evidence is all there. It has taken me 5 years to get him to agree to a Child Psychologist as agreed to in the court order. But some Psychologists you have to try till you find one you like. This Psychologist is very nice, but the 1st session was getting to know each other, the 2nd session discuss my side of the family, 3rd session discuss his side of the family and the 4th session think happy thoughts. Otherwords if you are angry, think happy. I said she cried about 10-15 minutes the night before she went to access last time. The Psychologist said play a reading book to Chantelle the night before. I told the Psychologist Chantelle still wets the bed, sleeps with me, is very clingy going with me everywhere, needs school help etc but she ignored it all. I even said Chantelle is saying 'I hate Mark. He is mean to me. I dont want to go. I want to stay no nights etc'. The Psychologist said Chantelle is probably saying the same thing about me when Chantelle is over there. Hmmm. Arghh. No she isn't. I told Chantelle do you say anything bad about me at Marks place. Chantelle without hesitation said 'No Never'. The latest is the pinching and biting Chantelle said he is doing. It is only playfighting if both people are laughing and having a fun time. But she tells him it hurts yet he still does it. The Psychologist said to tell him to stop. Next question and dismissed it straight away. Mark was meant to have access for half the school holidays but I sent an email to say Chantelle is scared and frightenend of you. You cannot have access. We need to mediate. I await your Contravention Order. Please offer me any advice to help with my Contravention Order. Have I got grounds for stopping access till this gets sorted out. I dont want to deny access but want him to have counselling to stop him biting and pinching Chantelle and slowly introduce her back to him. Amalina

[Dogmatique]

If Mark has a visitation order, you better make Chantelle available per that order unless she is in IMMINENT danger.

Mom, you're honestly going about this the wrong way.

Stop questioning her. She's going to tell you what she thinks you want to hear - especially if you ask her "Do you ever say bad about me at Mark's place". What do you think she's going to say? Yes? Mom, you really have no idea what she's saying to Mark.

I'm sorry, but unless CPS and/or the court say you cannot send her, you MUST obey that court order. Unless you want Mark to end up with custody.

What I'm seeing is a very anxious little girl, and a very anxious Mum. Of course she's going to be clingy; and I'm betting that your reluctance is rubbing off on her, too.

(An example is very clear in what you write above "Silly me told the guy". This quite clearly shows disdain towards Dad, as wel as "I have been to court...as he is spiteful". Now he may well be spiteful, but you don't seem to be too keen yourself on fostering a healthy co-parenting relationship.

I strongly advise both you and Chantelle to get into some family counseling, and for Chantelle to be taught coping skills. If you truly think she's being bitten and abused call child services and let them investigate. Otherwise, you really need to stick to that court order. Unless you want to risk losing custody.

I realize that this is not what you want to hear, and if you need to vent or yell at me, that's fine. But you do need to hear it.

[aardvarc]

I have 4 children and she is the only one that has to go to access.

This likely plays into the situation as well - not only creating anxiety for the child who is subjected to different "rules" and schedules but also in terms of mom's interactions with child and a father she obviously regrets making a father. Yeah, kids will pick up on all those "vibes".

She has had forced access since she was 6 months old.

It's unfortunate that it had to be forced. But such phrasing doesn't indicate any level of willingness on YOUR part to foster parent/child relationship.

I was only in a relationship for a couple of months

While it's unfortunate that you had a child under these circumstances, the legal fact is that you DID, and the court will expect you to present the child for visitation as ordered unless there's either a physical danger, an open CPS investigation, or an alteration of the court order.

I suspect that there is a LOT of projection going on here, and you questioning the child is only going to make the issues MORE murkey, not less so, as the questions themselves contribute to the dialogue and "teach" the child what answers you're looking for - prompting the child to answer accordingly. Especially if you want statements from the child to be considered by the court, any questioning needs to be by a qualified therapist who understands how projection corrupts answers and can present questions in a manner geared to get an "honest" response (which therapists seek), as opposed to a "correct" one (which parents seek). Counseling doesn't produce immediate results in 6 to 10 sessions. It's a process. It didn't take a few months to GET the child here, and it'll take more than a few months to begin to address the issues the child has had 7 years to build up. So stick with it. If CPS gets involved, their evaluators will get to the pointed questions much father than in therapy but CPS and therapists have different goals, one to get quick answers for the purpose of evaluating risk, the other to help produce positive skills and results for the child - so both have merit.

The clingy issue isn't likely to sway the courts - lots of kids are clingy, as often from issues stemming from the primary parent as anything else. If this is dad's first child, or even first girl, the answer may be as simple as dad playing too rough. There's no indication that he's purposefully TRYING to hurt the child - but he may be taking the playfighting too far and just not "getting it" that she's not a 12 year old boy who might like such interaction. If he's not taking her telling him "no" seriously, then you step up to the plate and lay it out for him real simple-like: "stop the rough play and pinching - it's upsetting and hurting her - and if it continues I will get child protective services involved and ask that future visitation be supervised". Then do what you say. If child services finds merit to the issue, their neutral third-party recommendation to the court that visitation be supervised and/or that dad be required to attend parenting classes will hold a thousand times more weight for the court than your request for the same thing based on your own untrained interview of the child.