When Should You Seek an OFP

[GorillaPudding]

My question involves restraining orders in the State of: Minnesota

My wife has a child with her ex husband. The "ex" has been harassing my wife through text messages, e-mails, phone calls and also when the exchange takes place after the door to the vehicle is shut. For the past 5 years, I have told the "ex" that he is not welcomed on my property which is why their divorce decree states that my wife bring the child out to him and place the child into the vehicle (and vice versa when she picks her up to bring her home). This past week, my wife had to take their child out of school for one day due to unforeseen circumstances that were out of our control and the "ex" became very angry.

A little explanation of the arrangement:Wife has custody during the school year with father having eowknd visitations, ex has custody during the summer with wife having eowknd visitations. Ex refuses to maintain scheduled doctor and dentist appts in the summer and says "what I do with her on my time is none of your business". The child is not allowed to participate in any kind of extra curricular sports due to the ex treating the child as property and demanding time with her on his days instead of allowing a few hours on Sat mornings for the child to be actively involved. Pick up time is set in the decree.

After learning about the day off of school, the ex started accusing me of smoking marijuana, told my wife to tell me to "shut the f up" and also used more colorful language. My wife has told the ex numerous times that she will not tolerate this kind of conversation with him and that she only needs to discuss the well-being of their child with him. He yells at my wife for not answering the phone when their child is at school and will leave nasty voice mails stating that she is "court ordered" to answer when he calls. (The court order only has the typical "reasonable phone access to the child") This has been going on for years now and my wife has not taken any legal action due to her not wanting their child in the middle of it. She DOES refuse to answer the phone when the child is not present because of the harassment and stress that it places on her.

At the most recent scheduled exchange, I opened my door to find the ex standing in the doorway of my garage. I told him to wait in the car and that my wife would bring their child to him. He screamed at me and said "I'm here to pick up my child, I can be here if I want!". I told my wife to keep their child in the house because of this nasty encounter. I told the ex that he is not allowed on my property and this time told him to go stand by his car. He proceeded to yell and got within an inch or two from my face. My step-son (NOT a mutual child of theirs) was present at this time and went in the house to inform my wife of what was going on. As he continued to scream and cause a scene, I pushed him out of my face and he started throwing punches. He yelled again that he can be on my property if he wants because his child was in the house. He said he was going to call the cops. I had my cell phone on me so I dialed 9-1-1. As soon as I hit the 'send' button, the ex knocked the phone out of my hand (the 9-1-1 dispatchers listening to the entire confrontation) and threw me up against the side of my house. The ex (being a wrestler in high school) used some wrestling moves to grab my legs and pick me up and slammed me on the concrete. While we were "fighting" the police arrived and we were both scolded for the encounter. (understandable)

Even though the divorce decree states what is to happen during exchanges, the police wouldn't do anything because it was a "civil matter". The police suggested that I file an OFP or something similar.

Of course the ex called the police later and fabricated the whole incident and stated that he was "called into the garage to see something" by my wifes 13 yr old (the two of them do not have a very good past relationship (13 yr old was abused by ex) so I believe when the 13 yr old tells me that he didn't ask the ex to come up to the house)

And finally....my question

Is it an OFP I want or a restraining order? Do I have the right to file on behalf of my children and wife? Is this clearly a violation? Is there more than just a harassment/restraining/ofp that needs to and can happen?



Please forgive me if I jumped around in this post as I had to close my browser a few times due to my slow computer
Feel free to ask for additional information because I am almost certain it's lacking details.

[Dogmatique]

I'm going to be really blunt here.

You are actually part of the problem. You antagonized him, and then put your hands on him first. I don't care how mad you were, you had no right to do that.

By all means, file for restraining order or OOP. But you are, again, part of the problem. Why are YOU even answering the door? Leave it up to your wife.

I doubt you would get the OOP, since it's honestly not necessary in my opinion. What IS necessary is co-parenting classes, and your wife can file in court to modify the custody agreement so that the exchange can take place in a neutral location such as the local police station.

And you need not accompany her during these exchanges.

[GorillaPudding]

I understand where you would get that.

BUT...I was outside working in my garage, came in the house to get some coffee, returned outside and the ex was standing there. He never knocked on the door and the rule (in the decree) is for him to call when he is 10 minutes away (which he did not do this time) to more or less give us a heads up that he will be arriving shortly.

I was unaware that he had arrived.

And he is not supposed to even come to the door. He is to stay in his vehicle and my wife is to bring the child to the car and place the child in a seat belted car seat.

[Dogmatique]

It really doesn't change my response.

Yes, he was in your face - but you put your hands on him (you pushed him) first.

Again, I think your wife should modify the order so the exchange can take place at the local police station. If she wants to push this, she can file for contempt. However, in all honesty, I can see a judge being pretty ticked off if she does.

[GorillaPudding]

The officers yelled at him, telling him he had no right to be on my property and said that since I asked him to go sit in his car and wait like the divorce decree says, he shouldn't have remained on the property. The first physical contact was him screaming in my face while pushing my body with his chest. I was not the one to initiate contact or confrontation which is clearly evident in the police report. He showed up unannounced which is also against the court order.

The fact is that he violated the court order and came onto my property and entered my dwelling and then assaulted me. (as described in the police report)

[Dogmatique]

You assaulted him first according to you.

By all means file for a PPO. I just can't see it being ordered. And again, let your wife handle her own custody matters.

What's your end goal here though?

[GorillaPudding]

It's not even the assault that's an issue. It's the harassment that me and my wife have to endure with every phone call (numerous calls when the child is in school and ex yells at her telling her she HAS to answer) and every contact they have even when the child is present.

My desire is to put an end to the harassment and verbal abuse with and without the child present. Co-parenting doesn't have to have these kinds of issues, I know because I deal with it on my own side and we don't have issues like this with anyone besides him. When I say "harassment" I mean full blown, name-calling, degrading, cursing, abusive harassment.


**After re-reading my initial post, I see that the "chest shove" wasn't included.**

[Dogmatique]

This is why your wife needs to file in court - as has been suggested - to modify the current arrangement. She doesn't have to answer the phone when she's not ordered to. She doesn't have to engage. Heck, if she wants to, she can request supervised visitation. I doubt she'd get that, but she can ask.

Has she looked into books about how to deal with a hostile parent? There are many out there - she might want to start at the local library.

[GorillaPudding]

Btw...what is a "PPO"?

I am wondering which route I (we) have to take:
Harassment Order
Restraining Order
Order for Protection
Or ?????

[Dogmatique]

What do you think that's going to accomplish? Mom has easier remedies through family court. As I've suggested several times.

Say you manage to convince a judge to order a restraining order. It won't include Mom (since Mom wasn't threatened or touched), and it won't involve the kids. It will simply be you. Again, the ball is in Mom's court here. Not yours.