Extravagant Memorial Costs Incurred by Stepmother

[DanInCali]

My questions involve estate proceedings in the state of: CA
My father died in late July. His wife, whom he knew for only 5 years, organized an extremely extravagant memorial service without our input. We were not allowed any say in any aspect of it, nor were we allowed to invite more than 10 people (we are three siblings-- we invited 2 people between us). She also took his ashes and buried them in the local Catholic cemetery with a headstone without telling us or inviting us to attend. This was directly against his wishes, as he had a prior arrangement in place for many years with the Neptune Society to be buried at sea -- he was an atheist. Now she has hired a lawyer and is demanding we pay for all the costs she incurred without our input/approval. Our father put the house they shared in her name so it now belongs to her, and she has barred us from entering the property-- since he died, we have not been allowed to set foot in his house to get family photos, artwork from generations of painters, our own things in storage (in a barn on the property). We are all shocked at her behavior, as we have always respected her and given her/my father their space (we live far away and are busy with our lives/families). We were with her when he died, providing support, comfort, love, etc. So this is out of left field and seems vindictive. She has also produced a line of credit that was spilt between them/in both names when it was taken out, and then, suddenly, was 100% in his name just before he died. She wants us to pay that too, and it's quite sizable. So 2 questions: 1) Do we HAVE to pay the memorial and burial costs from the estate we are inheriting, since she did everything without our input/approval, and in the case of the burial, without even inviting us, his children? 2) Is it worth going to court to avoid paying the line of credit ($90K) that went into the house she owns, and mysteriously became 100% my father's debt just before he died? We believe she is disgruntled because he only left her the house they lived in (which is of high value), while we were passed a family trust (over which he had no control), and some securities.

[Mr. Knowitall]

Is there a will or other estate plan, and does it state how the funeral and memorial service are to be conducted? Does it state who is responsible for planning or administering the services?

What's the "do we..." thing about? Who's the administrator of the estate and, if not your father's wife, why wasn't the administrator consulted or included in the decisions concerning the funeral and memorial service? The cost incurred is what, and the amount you would deem to have been reasonable is what?

I have no access to any information about the line of credit. I suggest raising this issue with the administrator, if not your father's wife, or discussing the matter in detail with an estate lawyer.

[jk]

I see a huge problem with your overall premise that YOU are being required to pay for either the funeral or the credit debt. It is a debt of the estate and that is who will be paying for it. You will get less from the estate because of that but still, it is not you that is paying for anything. She will be sharing in those expenses, in your terms, as it will also reduce the amount she will inherit from the estate as well.

this speaks volumes about your opinion of her:

We were not allowed any say in any aspect of it, nor were we allowed to invite more than 10 people (we are three siblings-- we invited 2 people between us).

why even mention this? You did not invite as many people as you were allowed so obviously her restrictions meant nothing. It's not like she pared your list yet you make an issue of it.

while you claim to be supportive of her, it sounds like you are the one that is being vindictive. After all, she did lose a husband and, as you said "all she got was the house" and you speak like that is more than you believe she deserved.

Our father put the house they shared in her name so it now belongs to her, and she has barred us from entering the property-- since he died, we have not been allowed to set foot in his house to get family photos, artwork from generations of painters, our own things in storage (in a barn on the property).

well, given your attitude here, I'm not surprised you are not allowed in the house.

as to the artwork: why do you believe you are entitle to it? If you are legally entitle to it, then make a proper claim for it. If it is part of the estate, then it will be dealt with through the probation of the estate. You will have your chance to make a claim for it then.

family photos: who owned them? While I understand the connection, who owned the photos at the time of your fathers death? Was there a will directing the distribution of the photos?

your personal property; send a proper demand for the items. If you do not do so promptly, I suggest they will be considered abandoned and claimed by the step mother.

[DanInCali]

wow, JK. your comments seem rather antagonistic. May I step back and reiterate-- we have in no way provoked our father's wife, and only been extremely supportive and respectful, staying away after his death to give her time, etc. She has only been uncooperative, and hired a lawyer through whom to communicate, unprovoked. All of this completely blindsided my siblings and I, and we are quite sad about it... UPDATE: We do have an estate atty, hired by my father, working on all of the issues. There is also a consulting litigator from the same firm. My father covered all ground with his estate plan, with all assets pretty much allocated, etc. I was simply looking for a 2nd opinion. My father's will stated that an ins. benefit, payable to his wife upon his death, was allocated to pay for funeral costs. He wished to be buried at sea. She did not grant his wishes stated in his will, but did indeed get the payout from the ins. policy. Instead, she held an extravagant memorial service at one location, in which we had no input, but attended as "guests," then had a separate ceremony at a church (he was a staunch Atheist) that we were neither invited to, nor informed about. And she demanded the estate pay for that too, along with a headstone. Our atty says she has no claim for the costs of either. My father owned the photos, as well as everything in the house, but we had some sentimental items in storage, which he acknowledged multiple times belonged to us. His wife has acknowledged they belong to us as well, via an email, so we have proof she knows they belong to us. We are getting a court order for the photos and the other items. As far as the loan goes, we are paying his share only, as all experts involved believe she forged the doc that states the allegedly amended loan responsibility to 100% on my father. They have a record of when she picked up the aforementioned doc from the estate atty's firm, which was only 2 days before my father died. He was in and out of fragile consciousness on hospice care at that point, so could not have lucidly signed the document. The signature is suspicious and the rest of the doc is filled out in a clear hand, with no date nor witnesses. The estate atty has the loan doc from when it was originated with date and witnesses. She has no claim but, of course, could try to sue.

[jk]

My father's will stated that an ins. benefit, payable to his wife upon his death, was allocated to pay for funeral costs.

sorry but if the wife is the beneficiary, his will cannot control the benefits of the policy. That would belong to only his wife and is not available to pay estate debts unless she chooses to do so.

Instead, she held an extravagant memorial service at one location, in which we had no input, but attended as "guests,"

so, have your own memorial service if there was something you didn't like about the one she held.

As far as the loan goes, we are paying his share only, as all experts involved believe she forged the doc that states the allegedly amended loan responsibility to 100% on my father.

until proven otherwise, it is all his debt. Beyond that, you do not need to pay any of your fathers debts. Either the estate pays them or, if there is not enough money in the estate to pay them, they go unpaid.

but since it is, at least for the moment, 100% your fathers debt, as the estate is probated, unless there is fraud proven, his estate is liable for the entire amount. It is not an optional item if there are funds available.

UPDATE: We do have an estate atty, hired by my father, working on all of the issues

your father has died. He cannot hire anybody. If the attorney is working for the estate, whoever is the executor or personal representative will control what that attorney does.

May I step back and reiterate-- we have in no way provoked our father's wife, and only been extremely supportive and respectful, staying away after his death to give her time, etc. She has only been uncooperative, and hired a lawyer through whom to communicate, unprovoked.

Whatever her reason, she has a right to act as she has.

That is one thing you never mention: who is the executor or personal representative of the estate?