Ex-Spouse Is Not Returning Children's Belongings

[exstaticx]

My question involves child support in the State of: New York

My ex and I were divorced 3 years ago and neither were ordered to pay support because of shared custody, each having 3.5 days per week with the children. My children are now 13 (soon to be 14 in Dec) and 20. My ex is refusing to provide for the children while they are in his care. He tells them he doesnt have to buy them clothes and other items because they already have them at my home and they should just bring what they need from my home. I dont feel it is fair that I have to provide all the support for my kids while he gets a free ride. He has his children taking things from my home and not bringing them back. In one instance he didnt want to purchase a computer for them to use while at his house so he had my 20 yr old daughter take mine from my home, now I cant get it back. I made a police report and they told me it wasnt theft because she has access to my home. He also has my 13 yr old son taking clothes I purchased for him to his dads because his father wouldnt buy him clothes, sneakers, underwear, socks. etc. His son wanted an xbox at his dads and his father told him he would have to use whatever money he had saved to buy one himself telling him that he could take whatever games i bought him from my home to use on the xbox at his dads because he wont buy him any games for it. I feel used and disrespected over all this. I am tired of supporting my kids at both homes and tried explaining to them that what they are doing isnt right but we just get into shouting matches over this and they start bullying me over all this on behalf of this dad. they go around telling everyone im the problem because I wont let them bring things i purchase for them to their dads. His father makes more than I do and has a woman living with him that he met online paying some of his household bills so he can have the same cushy life he had with me paying for everything while we were married. hes the type of person that likes having money in his pocket for golfing, bowling, eating out, cruises, vacations etc while im struggling over here financially. This isnt right and i find it hard to believe that the court system would think i was the problem if i tried to remedy this legally because the kids seem to feel sorry for him and side with him all the time. what should i do? recently my son failed 7th grade and it cost me $300 to put him through summer school. It took me forever to get my ex to help me pay half because he was giving me little amounts whenever he felt like it while he was having parties at his home spending money on food and beer for his friends and taking his girlfriend on a cruise. He also didnt put anything toward my sons school supplies or clothing for the past 3 yrs. This is ridiculous. Please help. He knows that i dont have the money to hire a lawyer to fight this while his bank account gets bigger.

[cbg]

So, why have you not gone into court and asked for support?

[Dogmatique]

50/50 timeshare in NY? OP might not actually get any support since NY takes a straight percentage of the NCP's salary; if there is no designation of CP/NCP she might be stuck unless there is a huge disparity in income. His wife's income of course doesn't matter.

With that said, I'd like to know what the actual custody order says, word for word (minus names).

[exstaticx]

because he threatens me that if i do he will have the kids side with him and i will lose custody and pay him support. I dont know what hes telling them but they seem to always bully me when they come here. Obviously hes got them thinking that hes in control of the situation. He constantly whines to them so they feel sorry for him and i dont know how he manipulated them in treating me like this but with the way they are acting toward me now and his girlfriend putting her two cents in i am sure with 3 against 1 i wouldnt get far in court. the court system in ny isnt fair at all. all it takes is the kids going in there with a few tears and a bunch of lies and the court system goes their way.

[Dogmatique]

That's so completely untrue. There is a LOT more to changing custody than you apparently realize; their wishes alone are NOT considered a material CoC and therefore would NOT be a valid reason to switch custody. IF there is a CoC, their wishes will be taken into account. But other than that? Not so much.

I understand you're hurt, Mom, but really - why are you ALLOWING the children to bully you? YOU are the parent here - assert your parental rights!

Incidentally, does your daughter realize that she is no longer controlled by any custody order? While child support can go beyond 21 in NY, as soon as she turned 18 she had the choice of whether or not she wished to visit either of you.

[exstaticx]

he makes almost $50k and I make around $30k and I have been supporting my kids financially all their life while he left it all up to me because he had more important things to take care of like bowling eating out and golfing with his friends. I rarely remember him ever paying for any of their needs since birth except for a couple times when court dates were coming up and he would run out and buy them stuff to influence them on his side when he knew the law guardian would be calling. Other than that the arrangement says he is to provide for them when they are in his care and i am to provide for them when they are in my care and neither would pay support. He is to be responsible for their medical insurance but on several occasions he refused to take my son for visits when he had ear infections or other issues because he didnt want to pay the copay pr pay for prescriptions so i would end up taking my son to the doctor. Also after our divorce he was living rent free in his parents attic and there were 3 beds up there for him and his 2 kids. He told me he wouldnt get a place of his own until he found someone who would help him pay for things. He met some woman online and 3 months later he bought a house a moved her in.

[cbg]

Just because that's what he says will happen, doesn't mean that is what will happen.

If you're determined not to go to court, just exactly what did you think a message board could do to change the situation?

[exstaticx]

i dont know what a COC is .. and i do not allow them to bully me. I fight back but with my daughter having the keys to my house she takes whatever she wants when im at work. i dont have the money to keep changing the locks. My son also sneeks things out of the house behind my back. i cant live like this anymore not trusting anyone and my neighbors have told me they saw my ex's truck in my yard while i was at work before. my daughter was also seen leaving my home with her dad. she does have some nerve thinking that its ok for him to do this to me and go along with it but hes got my kids hating me and acting like the bad guy .. i feel totally hurt and hopeless and counselors seem to think they can take whatever i buy them from my home too. am i the one in the wrong here? does the court really consider things i buy for them their property to take from my home to whereever they want? if thats the case then they really have found a legal way to steal from me. I feel that what i buy for them is for their use at my home not for them to take to their dads because he doesnt want to buy them things. its unfair and im pissed off that he could put that way of thinking into their head and i have to be the victim here.

[Dogmatique]

What do you want to accomplish?

File for child support - or don't.

And stand up for yourself. I'd be telling my daughter to go and live with Dad, and then let her do what she's going to do. Get the keys from her.

And as for your son? Start PARENTING him. Google "Kicked out of the garden of eden".

[exstaticx]

cbg are you a lawyer? if so, for what state?