Strategies for Custody Modification

[Novice]

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: NJ

I will be applying for mediation to modify custody of my soon-to-be 7 year old daughter. Current parenting plan was established in divorce settlement 2 years ago. Current parenting plan affords me one overnight weeknight (Wednesday) per week and Friday-Saturday-Sunday overnights on every other weekend. I would like to have my daughter stay with me on an additional overnight weeknight each week.

At time of settlement, my daughter was enrolled in a preschool/kindergarten, living primarily with her mother in the former marital home, and was being cared for by her grandmother when her mother was unavailable to drop-off/pick-up from preschool.

Over the course of the past several months, Child's mother is now engaged to remarry and has moved to a new residence with her fiance, which is approximately 15 miles (one-way) further from my home than prior residence, and adds approximately 20-30 minutes (one-way) of additional transit time when I am picking-up/dropping-off my daughter.

I think the additional transit time required (up to 1 hour additional time round trip per visit) detracts from my quality parenting time under the current schedule, and I would like additional time - Child's mother contends that I should not be allowed additional parenting time because child should not have to endure additional commuting time to my home over two weeknights as opposed to the current one.

My daughter will otherwise be in before and after school care for an additional 2 hours per day on her mother's parenting days vs. on my parenting days. In most cases, I would have my daughter home and enjoying quality parenting time with me at an earlier time than her mother would be picking her up and/or dropping her off for day care each day.

My desired modification of the parenting schedule would result in my daughter residing with me slightly less than 50% of the time. I currently pay child support, and undoubtedly a portion of my ex wife's refusal to discuss modification outside of formal mediation and/or Court motions is due to her desire to continue to receive support payment from me.

I am currently enduring some financial issues and do not have the means to hire an attorney to prepare my mediation, so I am attempting to research and handle this on my own. I'm looking for the best approach.

[Dogmatique]

Quick question.

Where is the child going to school?

[Novice]

She will be attending school in the town where she lives with her mother.

On days that she is with her mother, she will be dropped of at before school care (approx 7:00-7:30 AM) and picked up from after school care (approx 5:30-6:00 PM).

On days that she is with me (currently one overnight during each week), she will be picked- up from after school care (approx 4:30-5:00 PM) and dropped off at school at the start of the school day (8:30 AM).

[Dogmatique]

So...you're on the one hand complaining about an extra hour long commute.

But you'd be making that commute anyway when you drop off the child at her school if you got the extra overnight.

Do you see my point here?

That aside, you already have the standard parenting schedule. The court is not likely to think the extra driving time is detrimental to the relationship with your child - in fact, in many cases it's seen as a positive one-on-one bonding experience. Or, the child can do homework in the car. 30 mins is, honestly, nothing.

I'm sorry - but unless Mom agrees to an extra night I can't see it happening.

[Novice]

Thank you, but your response raises a couple of additional questions:

"I'm sorry - but unless Mom agrees to an extra night I can't see it happening."

This appears to take the stance that Mom is a more capable judge of child's best interests than I am. Additionally, it appears to grant Mom additional control of child's upbringing, when we hold joint legal custody.

I am of the understanding that neither parent should be granted any greater standing than the other in terms of right to spend quality parenting time with a child. While you refer to my existing plan as "the standard", I'm also of the understanding that there is no true standard or guideline, and that even the passage of time is considered substantial enough change of circumstance to warrant a review of parenting time. I'm looking for the best way to approach the argument.

I understand the point you're making. My issue with the commuting time is that her mother made an elective decision to move further from me (and all relatives), and is now using attempting to use that move as a reasoning to deny me additional parenting time. Arguably, this was a calculated effort on her part to deny me contact with my daughter. I feel that I am losing at-home time that I previously had with my daughter, due to her mother's decision to move further away, and that the quality of my relationship with my daughter should not be made to suffer due to such an elective action on her mother's part.

"The court is not likely to think the extra driving time is detrimental to the relationship with your child - in fact, in many cases it's seen as a positive one-on-one bonding experience. Or, the child can do homework in the car. 30 mins is, honestly, nothing."

I would question the logic of the Court deeming a commute to be quality parenting time. While we do talk, etc. and I keep a supply of books and activities in the car for her to read/color/etc., I am certainly not able to devote as much attention to my daughter while driving a vehicle, as I am able to at home, and the circumstances are not equivalent. If this isn't a good argument to make in seeking additional parenting time, then so be it - I'm looking for other alternatives.

Child's mother has also made the accusation that my attempt to gain additional time with my daughter is a ploy on my part to reduce my child support obligation. In fact, our financial circumstances have also changed since the divorce settlement, with my ex-wife now earning significantly more money than at the time of settlement. By my estimation, using the NJ support formula, my support obligation should be $0 (or even support due me) with or without the parenting time modification. Child's mother has been working with legal counsel since early June, in an effort to avoid a support modification hearing. Thus far, my motions have been argued against and rejected for what amounts to technicalities or procedural errors on my part, as I am appearing before the Court pro se, and she is working with counsel. Eventually, this will play itself out, but I note it in an attempt to establish the circumstances.

Thanks again - your help is appreciated. I don't have to like the answers, but I do try to learn from them and use them to find better approaches.

[Dogmatique]

Mom isn't denying you anything - you are requesting additional time which goes outside of the "standard".

She can't deny you something you don't have

[Novice]

And I maintain that there is no, or legally should not be such a "standard"...

This absurd one weeknight & every other weekend idea of a "standard" is based on the antiquated notion that the father is the out-of-the-house "breadwinner" and the mother is the nurturing "caretaker" in the family.

My circumstance has never mirrored this. My ex wife and I have both worked outside of the home since before my daughter was born. At the time of our settlement, our incomes were virtually equal. There is no alimony, and the child support I pay is minimal, based only on the higher percentage of time that my daughter spends with her mother.

I accepted this schedule at settlement, based on the advice of my then-attorney, who assured me that it was no big deal, and could always be changed in the future. I know now that his advice to me was substandard at best, as my ex wife contests everything and the burden of proof for any modification rests with me.

I work very hard to maintain a healthy and loving relationship with my daughter. I have incurred significant expense to always ensure that she has her own space in my rented homes, and that the quality of her space and furnishings is equal to or better than what she enjoyed while her mother and I were together. I also routinely make purchases of clothing, school supplies, etc. for my daughter in addition to the support I pay her mother. Whenever financially able, I have made a point of planning activities to try to expose my daughter to cultural experiences such as attending ballet performances, plays, and musicals...

Yes, I'm a little touchy on the subject of the "standard" pittance that is granted fathers, as I believe that it assumes that a father is trying to escape responsibility, and must be forced to provide. I seek more quality time with my daughter and have always tried to perform far in excess of what the law requires me, and yet I still face an uphill battle against the system, as if I am a deadbeat dad.

I'm hopeful that there is some perspective out here on asserting "father's rights" and achieving a less antiquated or traditional and gender biased parenting plan...

Thanks, as always for your input - you touched a nerve, but it's still appreciated.