What Can I Do If My Teenager Refuses to Visit

[kbizzl]

Divorce decree set visitation for the summer. Last summer he didn't want to visit because he "Needed to get a summer job." I was reluctant, but out of respect for him becoming a young man, I agreed, but expressed my disappointment if he was simply using that as an excuse not to visit. Summer 2010 came and went, and no job. Summer 2011 is right around the corner, and once again he doesn't want to visit. I really want to see my son. I am willing to drop visitation to only 30 days, because I know its his summer too, to be spent with his mom and friends. So what can I do? My ex-wife can care less if he visits or not. She doesn' help with visitation expenses (they live in NY, I live in FL), eventhough our decree states expensees will be shared equally, but at this point I really don't care. For the past 2 summers I've paid for ALL airline tickets, and I will do it again just to see my kids. She doesn't/hasn't supported visitation for a long time. Since my sone was 13 she was saying, "He's old enough to choose for himself. If he doesn't want to visit, he doesn't have too". I think all that non-support has finally come to fruition. What can I do to see my son?

[cbg]

Legally, he is not old enough to choose for himself until he is 18. How about going back to court to enforce the order?

[lovesflowers]

I live in NY you can go back to court however, in NY, your son is at an age where the court gives his wishes a lot of weight. In NY, the court strongly considers the child's wishes after the age of 13, something your ex seems to be well aware of. It's also doubtful a judge would force a 17 year old on an airplane to go to another state. It sounds like you really care about your kids and being with them. It also sounds like you are trying to compromise. What about asking him what amount of time he'd be willing to spend during the summer or maybe traveling to NY yourself to be with him as a last option?? Anyway, I wish all non-custodial parents cared about seeing their kids as much as you do. He might not know how lucky he is but someday he will. Hang in there!!

[Dogmatique]

Hah, I just last week heard my good friend's ex (the ex being the CP) ordered to put that 17 year old child on a plane and send her to Iowa to see my friend.

And yes, they live in NY.

For the record, a 13 year old is not old enough to choose whether or not they will comply with court-ordered visitation. And while it's true that in a custody determination a teen's wishes can carry some weight (and quite a lot, the older the teen is - as a rule), when it comes to enforcing court-ordered visitation it's often very different.

Now with all that having been said, NCP must weigh this carefully. While it's true that s/he is free to take it back to court, we're already almost into May and it's unlikely that the matter would be heard by summer anyway - and next summer kiddo will be 18. Is it worth perhaps causing a bigger rift that could become unfixable?

It's a tough one.

[kbizzl]

I do love my kids very much, and wish things could be different.....but they are as they are. At this point, going back to enforce the order is probably too late. As Dogmatique stated, by the time court appereances roll around, summer will be over and he turns 18 in Dec. I just wish the ex would help and promote a visit, but she is so bitter. I guess I can try and use a contempt charge against her as leverage to gain her support for one last summer, but I'm sure once my son hears of the tactics I used, he won't be happy. I want to excercise my parental rights as a father and not give him the choice, but that too will probably have ill affect, not only now, but in the future.

[cbg]

Is it possible for you to go to NY?

[kbizzl]

You mean go to NY to get him? Or simply to visit? Either way, the ex will not make that an easy trip, and then we have to include hotel fee's, rental car, etc. I can't get her to help pay for a airline ticket....let alone all that.

[cbg]

Well, I meant to visit, but the other too....

I understand your point though.

Let me ask you this, and I truly am not asking this to be offensive, just to try to come up with some reasonable solution. Have you said or done something to make your son mad at you? (It could be something quite minor - most 17 year old males are mad at their fathers for SOMETHING. My husband always figured he was a threat to DS's plan for world domination....) Or in your best opinion, is it just that he wants to spend the summer hanging with his friends in NY instead of in FL with his father?

[llworking]

Well, I meant to visit, but the other too....

I understand your point though.

Let me ask you this, and I truly am not asking this to be offensive, just to try to come up with some reasonable solution. Have you said or done something to make your son mad at you? (It could be something quite minor - most 17 year old males are mad at their fathers for SOMETHING. My husband always figured he was a threat to DS's plan for world domination....) Or in your best opinion, is it just that he wants to spend the summer hanging with his friends in NY instead of in FL with his father?

It wouldn't surprise me at all if a girl figured into the mix.

[kbizzl]

No offense taken at all. In a forum like this, with total strangers willing to help, its a very legit question. One that other readers I'm sure have asked also. He definitly resents me for some reason....I can tell by the interaction (or the lack of) with me. I know it seems I've done a lot of ex-bashing, and I'm sure if she was posting, she would have a completly different opinion, but I can not think of one specific act that caused all the resentment. One of the reasons he gave for no twanting to come visit was "the drama". Can't really explain what that means other than typical split household discussions/beliefs. His mom and I see very different on a lot of things concerning raising our kids. I got to church, she doesn't. So when they visit, they go to church with us. 2 summers ago, one given Sunday he didn't want to go to church. So I said he didn't have to, which sparked a heated discussion between me and my current wife......"drama".My ex lets them cus/swear once they reach 16 yo, and I don't think its appropriate language. Another reason he may resent me dates back to Oct 2008. When my ex-wife and I were arguing over the phone about some medical bills, and I found out later he was on the other line listening. I'm required to pay half the medical bills, which I have no problem doing, but she will save up a year and a halfs worth of bills and then send then. So instead of the occasional $30-$50 bill every month or so, its $300-$500 and she constantly reminds me "You have 30 days to pay." For example, he got braces last year. I had no idea he was getting them until the day before, and then I get a bill fo r$3300! She was very understanding knowing paying it in 30 days was impossible, so we aggreed on payments. No sooner that I made the last payment I recieved another group of bills dating as far back as may 2010.....another $450. I've asked her to send them every month as neccessary, and she said "it doesn't make sense for me to send them every month. I would always be at the post office." So I'm pretty sure he resents me about a few different things, but its only because he doesn't know the whole truth.