Stepmom Disciplines Preschooler by Humiliation and Bullying

[froggy28]

My question involves child abuse or neglect in the State of: Oklahoma

Im looking for advice for sister in law. She has two children, 8 and 4. The oldest lives with dad and the youngest with her. They agreed this was best for the oldest because of his anger issues. He seems to be doing a lot better at his dads. My concern is my 4yr old nephew. His dad has remarried and his new wife belittles my sister in law and tries to bully her anyway she can, even by mistreating her kid. He has been potty trained for over a year but when he's at his dads he has multiple accidents. Ive read this can be from stress but he never has accidents with his mom. His older brother at a recent visit with mom was almost bragging that they, stepmom/dad, disciplned his younger brother by making him carry a binky and calling him a baby in front of the other children. They used humiliation to discipline a 4yr old because he had an accident and wouldn't stop crying. I recently had my nephew with me and he asked my husband, his uncle, why he didnt love him? His uncle's response was, of course I love you why do you think I dont? My nephew said cause ,stepmom's name, doesn't. She doesn't love me cuz Im a big baby. We reasured him we did love him and told him we thought he was a very good, big boy. It breaks my heart to think of what he's goin thru over there. He's always in trouble and getting spankings by dad because stepmom said he did this or that. This kid is a typical 4yr old. He's a curious lil chatterbox, wants to know how, what, why about pretty much everything. He's a people pleaser tho he doesnt want anyone to be mad or upset with him. He doesnt throw temper tantrums. He gets fussy when he's tired like any other toddler. There are a ton of other little red flags, too many to list. I know this sounds minor compared to other post but I know he's being misteated and I feel like I should help him and his mom. I've heard preschool age is very critical as far as a child's self worth and emotional develpoment and after reading all these horror stories of children having to go thru similar situations for yrs, it terrifies me. So I guess Im wondering if theres anything my sister in law can do to protect him. She's tried talking to her ex and his wife but to no avail. It seems to fuel stepmom even more since she knows it upsets my sister in law. How much is too much and is there anything she can do to prevent this from happening for yrs to come?

[Dogmatique]

What PROOF is there of any wrongdoing?

[Julia Chambers]

The proof is the actions of the child when with the mother. My daughter has the same situation....and she is the one who has to provide the proof that the stepmother is emotionally abusing my grandson. My grandson has to whisper in his home because his stepmother told him she can hear and see everything he does in his home and says to this mother. He is 7 and he believes her. She told him she was going to come to school and get him...and he screams everyday when him Mom leaves him at school and has to be pulled out of the car. She took his active cell phone away from him because we did not have her name in it (that was a year ago) and she still has the phone. It have 5 relatives on his Mommy's side and I added 5 relatives on his Dad's side including his Dad. Most of the names were mommy, daddy, grandparents, and greatgrandparents, his sister, and his cousin. He had the phone only 2 days when she stole it from him. She made him feel like it was his fault. She constantly asks him why he doesn't kiss her and hug her like he does his mommy, because she is his 'mommy' too. He has to call her Mommy Angie and she told his Dad that he came up with that name himself. My grandson told me she was a liar and he was afraid of her. But where is the proof...it is in the behavior of the child!!!! Somebody please consider the child!!!!

[Dogmatique]

That's not proof of any wrongdoing - I'm sorry. Dad (because this is really Dad's issue as well as Mom) is allowed to parent his child (and that includes letting stepmom rule the roost in his home) how he sees fit during his parenting time. Emotional abuse is terrifically difficult to prove and most of the time, the courts find it's simply a difference in parenting style.

Is the child in counseling? That is the ONLY way I can see anything happening, since the child can talk to the counselor and the counselor may be able to testify in court.

[Julia Chambers]

Dogmatique:

Thank you for your response. Dad is the visiting parent and my daughter is the sole custodial parent. I understand that when in Dad's house, my grandson must obey their rules. However, I disagree that his wife, the stepmother, make the rules for my daughter's house as well by keeping the phone (active and on my family plan). As the loving "mother" she claims to be to him, I would have thought nothing about it had she contacted us and said that he was not allowed to have the phone in their home...and GIVE THE PHONE BACK THE MOTHER SO HE COULD USE IT AT HIS/HER HOME WHICH IS HIS PRIMARY RESIDENCE.. She kept the phone to prevent him from using it as him mother's house or anyone's house. She has had it over a year now. I've nicely asked for it back...the answer is no, I'm using it as evident that you tried to keep me from talking to my stepson....well she kept all grandparents from talking to my grandson by keeping the phone. Being the stepmom does not allow her to take the phone and keep it does it?? If so, can I pick up anyone's phone I don't want them to use in my home and keep it??? I filed a claim and delivery through our local magistrate. He thought she would hand over the phone when she was served, but she did not. We go to court next Thursday and it is up to me to prove that she kept an action phone and all she had to do was return it to us. AND yes, my grandson is in therapy. Tonight he cried because he didn't want to get in the car with her (tonight is his father's evening to spend 3 hours with him). He didn't let her see him cry because his Dad might spank him. When he was 2 he witnessed his Dad being arrested for domestic violence toward his Mom.
The Dad then broke into the house even though there was a restraining order and was sent back to jail. We don't talk about his Dad or stepmom in front of him. We have told him it is ok to like them or love them. Even so, he can 'feel' what is going on because of her 'private' conversations with him. His Dad told me that never happens, so my grandson is afraid to tell his Dad anything because he said he believes her. He said he just gets the spankings when they say he lies because he is a bay boy. If I had the money, I would take his Mom and him away from this situation until the child is old enough to build an adult relationship with his Dad. Maybe the stepmom will be out of the picture by then.

[Dogmatique]

Dogmatique:

Thank you for your response. Dad is the visiting parent and my daughter is the sole custodial parent. I understand that when in Dad's house, my grandson must obey their rules. However, I disagree that his wife, the stepmother, make the rules for my daughter's house as well by keeping the phone (active and on my family plan). As the loving "mother" she claims to be to him, I would have thought nothing about it had she contacted us and said that he was not allowed to have the phone in their home...and GIVE THE PHONE BACK THE MOTHER SO HE COULD USE IT AT HIS/HER HOME WHICH IS HIS PRIMARY RESIDENCE.. She kept the phone to prevent him from using it as him mother's house or anyone's house. She has had it over a year now. I've nicely asked for it back...the answer is no, I'm using it as evident that you tried to keep me from talking to my stepson....well she kept all grandparents from talking to my grandson by keeping the phone. Being the stepmom does not allow her to take the phone and keep it does it?? If so, can I pick up anyone's phone I don't want them to use in my home and keep it??? I filed a claim and delivery through our local magistrate. He thought she would hand over the phone when she was served, but she did not. We go to court next Thursday and it is up to me to prove that she kept an action phone and all she had to do was return it to us. AND yes, my grandson is in therapy. Tonight he cried because he didn't want to get in the car with her (tonight is his father's evening to spend 3 hours with him). He didn't let her see him cry because his Dad might spank him. When he was 2 he witnessed his Dad being arrested for domestic violence toward his Mom.
The Dad then broke into the house even though there was a restraining order and was sent back to jail. We don't talk about his Dad or stepmom in front of him. We have told him it is ok to like them or love them. Even so, he can 'feel' what is going on because of her 'private' conversations with him. His Dad told me that never happens, so my grandson is afraid to tell his Dad anything because he said he believes her. He said he just gets the spankings when they say he lies because he is a bay boy. If I had the money, I would take his Mom and him away from this situation until the child is old enough to build an adult relationship with his Dad. Maybe the stepmom will be out of the picture by then.

That would get you into a whole lot of legal trouble.

If I may ask, what is it you're trying to accomplish?

[aardvarc]

For whatever reason, even with the domestic violence from dad to mom, the court found that dad should have unsupervised visitation with the child. The how's and why's of that decision often raise eyebrows, as it should, but if the court had that information, and STILL gave dad unsupervised visitation, then it's an issue that's in the past from the court's perspective.

Here's how the court is likely to view the issue of the phone: was dad ASKED about the child bringing the phone to dad's home? Or did the child just show up with it? Typically the courts allow a parent to parent; which includes depriving a child of anything, from a phone, to a comic book, to any other item - and, to extend that authority to any other adult that the parent chooses to allow to take that role (ie a step-parent). As the phone has value, and presumably is being paid for by mom, mom should absolutely ask for the phone to be returned - but also needs to be careful that she addresses the issue as one of property of MOM, and NOT property of the child. Expect dad/stepmom to argue that the phone was a gift and could therefore be controlled by the parent (dad/stepmom) since it was brought into their home. Realistically, I'd expect the judge to consider ordering return on the phone, if only because it comes with a continuing bill for service that mom is likely contracted to. But short of that aspect, the court will tend to uphold dad/stepmom's authority to regulate what the child has when at their home. Be careful in court about "she kept all grandparents from talking to my grandson by keeping the phone" - because judges love to tear people new ones over this kind of thing, as if the child had NO other way to contact their grandparents except for their own personal cell phone. Does MOM not have a phone? Is mom implying that the child, because of dad holding the phone, hasn't talked to his grandparents in a year??? This tactic will piss the judge off, so consider that judges generally do NOT support young children having and depending on phones before going down this avenue. It has more chance to make MOM look bad than you might think.

Absolutely, the adult thing would have been for dad to return the phone to mom and say "hey, we don't want him having this when with us - we think it's way overkill". But if dad isn't acting like an adult, the courts really can't force him to so long as he's not in violation of a law or the court's visitation order. That dad chose a controlling woman to be a step-parent to his child, and seems comfortable with her playing the role of "the bad guy" is unfortunate, but also not likely to change; which is why the counseling aspect is going to be SO important for the child.

In the original custody case, was there a guardian ad litem involved, and if so, what had been their recommendation to the court? Had the child been to any counseling at that point or did the counseling come after dad already got visitation? How long has the child actually been in therapy, and has the child been with the same therapist the whole time, or have multiple counselors been involved? Oh, and how long has the child been going to dad/step-mom's home? (Just trying to gage if there may be some demonstrable change that might make the court take a new look at the situation, but such re-evaluations are typically dependent on documention that some major change in the child's life has occurred.)