Biological Father Wants to Contest Adoption

[angieg72180]

My question involves adoption law for the State of: Tennessee

I was in a committed relationship and we became pregnant. Since finding out, the father and I have gone our separate ways. I'm 30 and a single mother of two and want to consider adoption. The father does not. To be honest, he lacks the basic skills to make him a good parent. He has severe PTSD from Iraq and has even been violent. My child deserves so much more. I do not believe he possesses the mental stability to raise a child and do not think he will even be around very long after the baby is born. He has already shown no interest but wants to contest because he is that controlling.

Do I have a chance to do this without his consent?

[Dogmatique]

He will at least be served - and then will have the chance to object.

You will not be able to complete an adoption without his knowledge.

[angieg72180]

He will at least be served - and then will have the chance to object.

You will not be able to complete an adoption without his knowledge.

Dogmatique, thank you for your quick response. He knows about the child and pregnancy, as well as my wants. He is opposed for the wrong reasons. Its not that I don't want more children, but being divorced and already raising two as a single parent, I want involvement from both parents and a two person household. His mental stability is in question, secondary to PTSD from Iraq. He has a violent past, even with me.

I'm sure you're wondering how I got into this position... I'm a college educated professional and 30 years old. I met up with my high school crush almost five years ago and carried on an on again, off again relationship with him until he finally moved back home, getting out of the military. However, after a short time of bliss, his PTSD began to surface in ways that would have gotten him a medical discharge. While there were times we were able to lessen the symptoms, there were acouple episodes of severe concern. One led to him giving me a concussion and trying to throw me out of a car going 70 mph. I thouight he was doing better and he was willing to look into therapy... We were finally happy again at least half the time. Once I found out, though, he has gone into a severe state of depression, borderline aghoraphobic, and refuses to get help. He has also submerged himself in internet relationships and has basially been as uninvolved as possible.

Hiscontesting is more related to control instead of wanting a child. Truthfully, he does not possess the stability to raise a child. When it was the two of us doing it, I thought I could continue chasing away his demons. Now? I woudldnt trust him alone with my child. Along with PTSD, severe alcoholism has become an issue.

Is there a way to terminate his parental rights prior to the birth? I truly want what is best for my child and only what is best for him/her. It is the hardest decision I have ever had to make. He offered to pay for an abortion and sign over his rights until I mentioned adoption. He doesn't want the child. He just doesn't want to let someone else have it.

[aardvarc]

Truthfully, he does not possess the stability to raise a child. When it was the two of us doing it, I thought I could continue chasing away his demons. Now? I woudldnt trust him alone with my child.

Unfortunately, the "rescuer" complex is common in such relationships, and while everyone PLANS to have two parents raising a child, the reality of life is that anyone is always only one accidental step off a curb away from making our children the children of a single parent, no matter how well, or not, that other parent is able to take the reins.

Along with PTSD, severe alcoholism has become an issue.

Which is something to be keenly aware of, but in and of itself, unless there is some history of action associated with that alcoholism (ie history of DUI) which places the child in danger. Alcoholics can and DO get custody and visitation.

Is there a way to terminate his parental rights prior to the birth?

No, because until the birth, there IS no legal child for him to exercise rights over. Once the child is born, he has the legal right to establish paternity and fight for custody. His odds of winning may be shakey, but you can reasonably count on at least visitation (or even as extreme as supervised visitation if you can convince the courts that he presents some DEMONSTRABLE threat to the child), and the courts simply are not going to allow you to adopt his child out from under him.

I truly want what is best for my child and only what is best for him/her.

As most parents do. However, the child is not legally ENTITLED to the best, while a parent DOES have constitutionally protected rights regarding their children. If dad WANTS to be part of his child's life, you can count on that happening, to at least SOME degree, unless he's convicted of crimes against children, incarcerated for some substantial amount of time, or other extreme circumstance where the court deems him a danger to the child. Since the child isn't even HERE yet, there is no history between him and the child for the court to look at, thus, the court can only look at one thing right now: that you chose to have a child with him. I know that's not the practical answer you want, but it's the answer that reflects the legal standing of the situation.

It is the hardest decision I have ever had to make. He offered to pay for an abortion and sign over his rights until I mentioned adoption. He doesn't want the child. He just doesn't want to let someone else have it.

None of which is legally relevent. If it's his child, it's his child. Doesn't matter the whys and hows and his motivations for wanting to fight for it. The burden for a court to deny a parent who WANTS to be a parent is a substantial one to overcome, and generally requires some demonstrable history that is so overwhelming as to determine it best to cut the parent out.

It's time to prepare yourself emotionally to figure out how to best MANAGE the possible situations that could emerge, in regard to whether you want to attempt to keep the child and have primary custody (which I suspect you have an above average shot at) and dad get visitation, or, if you want to attempt to put the child up for adoption, at which point dad will request (and barring something much more extreme than you've related here, will probably get) custody himself. But the legal system is set up to keep a child with biological parents whenever possible, and if dad doesn't have something that would make him incapable (which is a pretty low bar) of caring for a child in the court's eyes, then dad can be anticipated to be IN the child's life at some level. What that level may ultimately be can be largely impacted by the level that you are involved. None by you, by wanting to put the child up, means all to him, unless he's found unfit, which doesn't sound anywhere near possible at this point.

[angieg72180]

Aardvarc,

Thank you for the advice. Granted its not what I hoped but what I expected.

Based on his symptoms and history (he does have a DUI and a documented history of violence), is there a way to give him conditional visitation if he continues to fight this? If there's no way to keep him out of the child's life, I want to ensure he gets therapy. He truly needs it.

Also, should he disappear from the child's life, how long would it take to terminate his rights for abandonment? Its not a question of if, but when.

And there's no way I would give him custody. My decision abouit adoption is not whether I can raise the baby on my own, but giving it a stable homelife if possible with two parents. For me, its either or: adoption or my role as primary custodial parent.

[Dogmatique]

In order to obtain supervised visitation you would have to prove to the court that he represents a risk to your child. Otherwise, he'll likely get (should he file for it) the standard infant visitation schedule for your state.

As far as his past history goes, well - the court looks on it like this: You knew (or were expected to know) about his past wrongdoings but still chose to have a sexual relationship with him, thereby saying you were "ok" with everything and telling the court that you think he is adequate parenting material. It's not necessarily "fair", but it's reality.

Abandonment usually needs at least one year of no contact/no support.

[aardvarc]

Based on his symptoms and history (he does have a DUI and a documented history of violence), is there a way to give him conditional visitation if he continues to fight this?

You can use the drinking and documented incidents as your ammo to ask the court that visitation with the child be supervised. Given the history, I'd opt for a neutral third party such as a social worker, as opposed to yourself or a family member, as a neutral third party isn't as subject to manipulation, message passing, etc. However, it won't remain supervised forever unless dad just happens to get into problem after problem after problem until the child is 18.

If there's no way to keep him out of the child's life, I want to ensure he gets therapy. He truly needs it.

About the best you're going to get from the court here is being ordered to complete a parenting class or two. Remember, he already HAS your stamp of approval to be a parent, and simply needing therapy is NOT grounds for court intervention between parent and child without immediate cause.

Also, should he disappear from the child's life, how long would it take to terminate his rights for abandonment? Its not a question of if, but when.

It really varies by judge. And depends on what the frequency and nature of the contact had been before "abandonment". Also, be aware that in more and more states, courts are finding that payment of child support, even without OTHER forms of contact, is considered proof by the courts that the intent is NOT to abandon the child. I'm not aware of many successful cases with less than a year of absence, perhaps others have different experiences.

And there's no way I would give him custody. My decision abouit adoption is not whether I can raise the baby on my own, but giving it a stable homelife if possible with two parents. For me, its either or: adoption or my role as primary custodial parent.

If he's indicated that he'll fight the adoption, then your only real option is to be the custodial parent.

Remember too that since you are unmarried, he has no automatic parental rights, and until the baby is born, AND he establishes himself as the father AND he seeks custody/visitation, you have no legal obligation to him regarding the child. It's possible given that he's also dealing with his own issues, that once he realizes the hoops he'll need to jump through (and pay for) that he may reconsider the issue. Of course many a loving father would go to the ends of the earth and do whatever they needed to do to establish a good relationship with their children, but my experience tells me that those who only want to play the children as pawns within a relationship often don't put as much time/effort/money into it as their huffing and puffing threatens (unless they are independently wealthy, don't need to hold down a job, etc.).

In the meantime, since the legal issues can't even begin until after birth, spend your emotional energy on yourself and the baby to have a healthy pregnancy.

[angieg72180]

Catherine and Dogmatique,

Thank you both for all your advice. I don't want anyone thinking I'm some kind of monster or vindictive. If he proved me wrong and became that loving, doting father, I'd be the first to give him praise. I thoroughy encourage all interaction between my children and their father. I let him have visitation at my house if need be and I will even leave to let them. He even attended thanksgiving at out house so he could be part of the holiday. That is what I want for my kids. Even though my parents divorced when I was young, I always had a positive role model and a relationship with my dad, while my stepdad raised us as his own primarily. A strong male influence in a child's life is imperative.

I hope things take a serious turn for the better, but should they not, I don't think he will continue to fight this. If there was any doubt he would be that wonderful dad, I'd never consider taking the child away. However, throughout our relationship, he stepped into the role of stepdad with my kids. He did parent conferences, school events, etc. When I say this was all sudden, as of 3.5 weeks ago, he went from playing that role to pretending they don't exist. You can see why I am so leary about his desire to remain involved. He even referred to them as "his" kids. They are heartbrken as well and don't understand his absence. I haven't shared the information about the baby or the split yet, nor tje baby. This is all going to be a major shock, even though they assume we broke up.

Thank you again for the advice. I really appreciate it all. Have a blessed day.

[Dogmatique]

I for one wish you a healthy, happy pregnancy and let's hope that he does turn himself around and be a decent father.