Pregnant from Affair, Living in Different States, Custody, Child Support

[ChaelClark]

My question involves a child custody case from the State of: Connecticut & Florida.

My husband and I separated 8 months ago with the intention of divorce, while living in Florida. We both began relationships outside the marriage. We decided to end the other relationships and work out our marriage as we still love one another very much and were much happier together, the issues that plagued are marriage (financial seemed to improve vastly and we were ready to take on relationship couseling to heal past wounds). We then find out that I am pregnant, the baby is not his, (we did not sleep together during our separation). He was obviously very upset, rightly so, and I did not contest the divorce. He is in the coast guard and was shortly thereafter stationed in Connecticut. We have now been divorced for only 4 months, and I am due in 4 weeks. We also have a 2 year old daughter together. We have stayed on good terms and have missed one another greatly, and now decided to remarry again in 1 week in Florida when he comes down to visit. We are orchestrating the move to Connecticut immediately and I am transferring my medical care to Connecticut, where my new daughter will be born. The father of this new baby was extremely ngry that I broke things off with him completely, he took a leave of absence from his job here in FL to go stay in Iowa where he was been for the past 5 months. He will be returning to his job shortly after I have moved to CT, and we do not keep in contact often. He plans on being part of his daughter's life, but was also open about hoping to make my life more difficult by proxy (resentement about the break up, my refusal to be with/or marry him).. I want what is best for the baby, which is of course to have her father involved so I will work with him through his anger, and attempt to make our contact mature and civil. That is the story and here are my questions:
1. If I am having the baby in CT, is it possible that the father of the baby could attempt to force me to come back to FL?

2. My husband and I want full custody or at least to be the custodial parents, with no objections to the biological father's full rights and visitation. Is there any chance he could fight us, and win custody?

3. Will my husbands income be taken into account for child support, or will it be only my income and the biological father's income taken into account. My husband filed denial of paternity that we both signed of on in our divorce, and is not trying to take any rights from the biological father.

4. If my husband and I do have full custody, or are the custodial parents, how will this affect the biological fathers visitation? Will he have to come to CT to see her, will I/can I be forced to travel to FL?

We simply want to provide a happy, stable, normal(as possible given the scenario) life for both our daughters. My husband wants to be very involved with the new baby but neither of us are looking to shut out the biological dad. Can anyone give me any insight as to what to expect? My plan was to move to CT in a week, have the baby there, then contact the biological dad. I know he will be shocked and pissed that my husband and I worked things out, and that we live in CT.

Thank you for any input or clarification you may be able to provide, and trust me, I fully realize that I am an asshole for getting pregnant outside my marriage, and am more thankful than anyone can imagine that we are giving our marriage another chance...

[Dogmatique]

I think you should speak to an attorney.

First your husband signs off on paternity....then you divorce....now you're going to remarry BEFORE the child is born, making him the legal father again by statute regardless of biology.

If that's the case, biological Dad will have to file to disestablish your husband's paternity and establish his own. Once THAT happens, he's perfectly entitled to file for custody, visitation, the works.

Please though - quit playing games. There is a CHILD involved. What's going to happen the next time you and your husband have a spat?

[ChaelClark]

Wow, playing games? You have no idea the particular issues involved in my marriage. And also, you misunderstood greatly, he disestablished paternity, meaning that in our divorce documentation we both signed off that he IS NOT THE FATHER. We also signed in our prenuptual agreement, that he IS NOT THE FATHER. Got it? Now thats clear. Also, it doesn't really matter if he is the *legal father due to our being married, given that the biological father wants a relationship with the baby, and we also consent and agree with him having a relationship with her. Because we consent to the relationship, this also makes invalid your statement that he will be entitled to visitation, to file for custody, "the works" as you said.. He can be as involved or uninvolved as he desires. My questions were clearly stated and you answered none of them. You are delusional if you think my husband and I divorced over a *spat. Please do not post on my thread, you are in no way helpful whatsoever and your comments are not welcome here.

[Dogmatique]

Wow, playing games? You have no idea the particular issues involved in my marriage. And also, you misunderstood greatly, he disestablished paternity, meaning that in our divorce documentation we both signed off that he IS NOT THE FATHER. We also signed in our prenuptual agreement, that he IS NOT THE FATHER. Got it? Now thats clear. Also, it doesn't really matter if he is the *legal father due to our being married, given that the biological father wants a relationship with the baby, and we also consent and agree with him having a relationship with her. Because we consent to the relationship, this also makes invalid your statement that he will be entitled to visitation, to file for custody, "the works" as you said.. He can be as involved or uninvolved as he desires. My questions were clearly stated and you answered none of them. You are delusional if you think my husband and I divorced over a *spat. Please do not post on my thread, you are in no way helpful whatsoever and your comments are not welcome here.

You're in for a very big shock.

Have a great evening!

[ChaelClark]

I would have to disagree with you, since I have no preconceived notions or expectations to begin with. I simply stated some facts about the situation, (which you appear to have overlooked all of those facts...) then asked several questions. I asked a question about custody, a question about child support, and a question about visitation. Let me clarify for you since you are dense, I have no intention to keep the biological father away from his daughter. I fully intend to have a civil relationship. I simply want input on the SPECIFIC three questions I have, in relation to the INFORMATION PROVIDED.

[wondering83]

no your husband's income will not be acounted for the child support just your and the fathers.

Yes he can ask the court for you to move back but he has a limitted time line to do this.

he will not likely get 50% cusdtoy of an infant or from someone he was not married to he would have to prove you unfit, it is a great thing that from the start that you see letting her be with her dad also is best for her you will make a great mom for your daughter in that! She will need her dad also and I hope you two work everything out and stick with it so she gets both her mom and her dad!

[Dogmatique]

no your husband's income will not be acounted for the child support just your and the fathers.

Well, you got that part right

Yes he can ask the court for you to move back but he has a limitted time line to do this.

And this bit completely wrong. If she gives birth in CT, CT has jurisdiction - period. Neither she nor the child will be forced to go back to FL.

he will not likely get 50% cusdtoy of an infant or from someone he was not married to he would have to prove you unfit,

I've seen it happen. And "unfit" didn't enter the equation at all.

it is a great thing that from the start that you see letting her be with her dad also is best for her you will make a great mom for your daughter in that! She will need her dad also and I hope you two work everything out and stick with it so she gets both her mom and her dad!

You realize that no matter WHAT she decides to write into a prenup...that her HUSBAND at the time of the child's birth WILL be, upon the child's birth, the child's LEGAL father?

And that if the boyfriend wants any legally enforceable rights he'll have to go through the courts?

I'm sure there are plenty of attorneys willing to take her money though, to tell her what she's been told here for free

[aardvarc]

1. If I am having the baby in CT, is it possible that the father of the baby could attempt to force me to come back to FL?

You will not have been living in CT long enough to establish residency, but the birth pretty much cements CT as having jurisdiction. In regards to the prenup - it's a legal agreement between the two parties. Legally, the husband is STILL going to be the legal father of the child, until such time as the other party establishes paternity (because regardless of agreements between husband and wife, the law wants the child to have TWO parents, the moment that first breath is taken).

2. My husband and I want full custody or at least to be the custodial parents, with no objections to the biological father's full rights and visitation. Is there any chance he could fight us, and win custody?

Once dad is legally recognized as dad, your husband has no legal dog in the fight. YOU can become the custodial parent, but your husband would remain a legal stranger to the child. In order to be a legal parent to the child, he would have to adopt the child (which would mean dad giving up his rights, either voluntarily, or by being proven unfit by the courts, which takes some extreme circumstances). Yes, there is absolutely the possibility that the biological father could become the custodial parent, meaning YOU would have visitation.

3. Will my husbands income be taken into account for child support, or will it be only my income and the biological father's income taken into account. My husband filed denial of paternity that we both signed of on in our divorce, and is not trying to take any rights from the biological father.

Google for "child support calculator Connecticut" - it'll outline what gets considered.

4. If my husband and I do have full custody, or are the custodial parents, how will this affect the biological fathers visitation? Will he have to come to CT to see her, will I/can I be forced to travel to FL?

Once dad is legally established as dad, you can reasonably expect to bear more of the financial brunt of visitation, since you are the party who moved out of state (whether it means you pay dad's expenses to come there to visit, or to pay for expenses of taking the child to him, at least until the child is old enough to travel on their own.

We simply want to provide a happy, stable, normal(as possible given the scenario) life for both our daughters. My husband wants to be very involved with the new baby but neither of us are looking to shut out the biological dad. Can anyone give me any insight as to what to expect?

If you already have an existing child within the marriage, then there will probably be some "unusual" dynamics over the years, if the children will be raised together, but having different fathers. One child will lead a "normal" life within your family, and the other will likely be spending alternating holidays, father's days, and substantial chunks of summer break time with their own dad. On the positive side however, children are incredibly resilient, and the life they grow up knowing is what is "normal" for them. The fact is that some 55% of families deal with splitting time between parents, so it's not the social pariah that it used to be.

As the child grows up, it would be wise for you to grab a few books on multi-family parenting, step-parenting, and the like, so that you're prepared to deal with common issues like posturing ("my dad is better than your dad"), jealousy ("how come X gets to go to Florida and I don't"), and clinginess ("I don't wanna go to dad's, I wanna go with you guys"). You can probably also expect that sometime in the early teenage years, when the demons of rebellion start to rear their heads, that you'll start hearing "I hate it here, your rules suck, and I wanna go live with dad". All very common, and all things that you'll deal with much better if both you, step-dad, and dad are all on the same page together about these issues.

Try titltes like "Mom's House, Dad's House" by Isolina Ricci or "Parenting Together While Living Apart" by Marc Ackerman.

[Dogmatique]

The only part I disagree with Catherine, is the traveling expenses.

Mom won't have moved out of state, technically - she will have birthed in CT and as unfair as it may seem (to Dad), Dad will likely have to bear the brunt of the visitation costs...and certainly initially. If Dad gets lucky he might convince the court to order a 50/50 split, but I've seen far too many incidences where out-of-state Dads have ended up bearing ALL transportation costs when the mother has moved before giving birth.

I still stand by my original post - OP should speak with an attorney, if only because I do not feel she understands the legal dynamic at play here.

[aardvarc]

Good point - my mind still had the child being born in FL since that's where mom is now (my brain doesn't do forward-thinking well at this hour, especially with the ringing in my ears from the monster truck rally....but I digress).

Mom and husband need an attorney, as does DAD, if he plans to establish paternity in this situation, and even more critically so if he wants to formalize custody/visitation, and not just rely on mom and hubby's good graces. They may be all warm and fuzzy for him to have a relationship with the child today, but they have a LOT of challenges in front of them, and in my experience, nothing runs out faster than warm and fuzzy when it's not backed up by a court order.