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  1. #1

    Default Son Arrested for Domestic Violence

    I am a worried mom and grandmother in Ca. In Feb my son and his girlfriend got into a fight, they were both getting physical. She called the police and he was arrested, later got out on his OR. He did not want to give a statement.
    The judge issued a 3 year restraining order but left no provision for my grandson ( 1 1/2 years old) I offered to be the go between for them and she told me to take a hike, that she would contact him as she "da@@" well pleased.
    So now in May they got into it again, she pressed charges again. Now he is in jail with a public defender defending him. His "pre-trial" is June 24.

    Charges are
    PC 136.1(B)(1 F ATT PRVNT/ETC VIC/ETC:RPT
    PC 243(E(1 M
    PC 591.5 M

    He also had DUI last year which he was on probation for (another incident they were fighting)
    He is bi-polar, but does take his meds. Besides the incidents with them he has never got into an trouble for violence. Now they are sending an investigator out to my house because they want more info. There are multiple incidents. Some documented , many witnesses of her own violent behavior when mad. I have seen her kick his car windshield in when mad, attack him, provoke him and the last incident she was driving fast behind him following him with the baby in the car, then got out and threatened him with a baseball bat. I have text messages of her threatening to "slit" another girls throat. Now if I tell all that's been happening I am afraid they will take my grandson and they will both be in jail and I am so upset I don't know what to do.

    BTW- my son is normally not this way. He is a great dad, has a job and an apt but when the two of them fight it's awful. I feel they are both in the wrong and I am very worried about my grandson.

  2. #2

    Default Re: Son Arrested for Domestic Violence

    Quote Quoting DLynn
    View Post
    I am a worried mom and grandmother in Ca. In Feb my son and his girlfriend got into a fight, they were both getting physical. She called the police and he was arrested, later got out on his OR. He did not want to give a statement. The judge issued a 3 year restraining order but left no provision for my grandson ( 1 1/2 years old)
    Has your son been LEGALLY established as the child's father?

    I offered to be the go between for them and she told me to take a hike, that she would contact him as she "da@@" well pleased.
    You acting as a go between when there is a standing restraining order is an excellent way to send your son back to jail. He has no right to contact her against her wishes. If he wants to see his child, he needs to file for a hearing and ask the court to enter such an order.

    So now in May they got into it again,
    Was the restraining order still in effect?


    she pressed charges again.
    See how she keeps pressing charges? Why is he expecting her to do something different?

    Now he is in jail with a public defender defending him. His "pre-trial" is June 24.

    Charges are
    PC 136.1(B)(1 F ATT PRVNT/ETC VIC/ETC:RPT
    PC 243(E(1 M
    PC 591.5 M


    He also had DUI last year which he was on probation for

    So now he's looking at a probation violation on top of everything else.

    (another incident they were fighting)
    Their fighting made him drink and get behind the wheel? How is he NOT seeing a pattern that his drinking and fighting keep ending up with him in jail?


    He is bi-polar, but does take his meds.
    And drinks. Which is what they tell people who are bi-polar and on meds is the LAST thing they should be doing.


    Besides the incidents with them he has never got into an trouble for violence.
    Sounds like he's working on beefing up his arrest record by graduating from substance abuse issues to violence charges.


    [quote]Now they are sending an investigator out to my house because they want more info. There are multiple incidents. Some documented, many witnesses of her own violent behavior when mad. ]/quote]

    How many of those witnessed incidents have been reported to police? Because really, that's what is going to count.

    I have seen her kick his car windshield in when mad,
    And you called the police, right?

    attack him
    And heu called the police, right?

    provoke him
    Provocation is irrelevent. If he chooses to REACT to provocation, he needs to be prepared that such action may have consequences.


    and the last incident she was driving fast behind him following him with the baby in the car, then got out and threatened him with a baseball bat.

    And this too was reported to police or child protective services, right?

    I have text messages of her threatening to "slit" another girls throat.
    And have done WHAT concerning those messages?

    Now if I tell all that's been happening I am afraid they will take my grandson and they will both be in jail
    Possible. But the child would be alive. If mom is the only one who has been making reports of violent behavior, odds are that only dad will be going to jail. The DA, the one who decides if charges will be brought or not, isn't going to give much credibility to reports of mom's behaviors complained about now that dad is in trouble, but not brought to the attention of authorites at the time.


    and I am so upset I don't know what to do.
    You get your son a good attorney, and get him into an alcohol program and domestic violence counseling ASAP. Odds are that the court is going to order him to participate in these anyway, and nothing makes judges happier than people realizing that they NEED help and then GETTING that help BEFORE a court has to order them to do so.


    BTW- my son is normally not this way. He is a great dad,

    A great dad doesn't drink himself into violent situations or batter the mother of his child. That'll be the opinion of social service workers and mental health professionals who will be providing their expert opinions to the court regarding placement/custody/visitation with the child. Your son's choices of how to deal with these recurring situations isn't getting any better - and unless he starts showing some MAJOR interest in making some changes, he's at risk for both substantial jail time AND risking severe restrictions on time spent with his child (how that impacts YOU is that mom can absolutely deny you to spend ANY time with the child - meaning you get to visit on DAD'S time - if and when he legally gets that established).
    Catherine NeSmith
    Executive Director
    AARDVARC.org, Inc.
    http://www.aardvarc.org

    Fave Big Bang Theory site: Sheldon Cooper Fans

  3. #3

    Default Re: Son Arrested for Domestic Violence

    Thank you for taking the time to talk to me about my concerns.

    Yes my son is listed on the birth certificate. There is no reason not to believe the baby is not his. In fact, my grandson looks just like me and his great grandfather.

    I only offered to be the go between so my grandson could be dropped off with me so my son would not have to have contact with her. She wanted control of visitation and my son had my grandson 50-60% 0f the time while the order was in effect (not on paper but my grandson has been with his dad most of time and here with us- all confirmable)

    Yes I believe the restraining order was still in effect and NOT modified during May incident. She claims confusion about whether its been modified. Some background on her - she wants to be a lawyer. Her ABSVAB tests are off the chart. She is extremely smart and very very controlling and manipulative. When she doesn't get her way all heck breaks loose. Documented and witnessed by many people.

    He took full responsibility for the DUI and did all classes and paid fine. Your right he messed up. She always uses the baby when she is mad and this was one of those times. He ADORES his son, and many people have written character references about his relationship with his son, including a childcare director. All on paper.

    He no longer drinks. He has started attending a recovery program last month through our church but he quit drinking months ago.

    In the latest incident, she came to his apt, he asked her to leave. He let her use the phone and she found a girls number. She went outside and used his phone to call the girl and threatened to slit her throat if she didn't stay away from my son. Yes, this girl has written this to my son and its on paper. She wanted to know why was this "crazy" girl was calling her phone and threatening her. No the girl did not call the cops but I have a copy of the facebook message. Yes the police had been called on another previous facebook issue because M (sons girlfriend) had hacked into his Facebook and was pretending to be my son (PD report made)

    When I went to the PD they said there were various reports on them. The ones I know that were reported was the Facebook stalking and I called back in Nov. Because M was thrashing their apt. and hitting my son, and acting crazy. Incident was called in by me because I was afraid my grandson would get hurt. I wrote everything down and her behavior at my grandsons 1st birthday party was witnessed by many people. 911 call made by me on this day.

    He has not called the PD. He tries to get away from the situations and she will push and spit in his face. I told him he needed to get a restraining order to protect himself, he filed one then didn't follow through because she was threatening to not let him see his son at all.

    Yes the incident with her driving with my grandson was called into CPS by my counselor. CPS went and visited her last week. I don't know what is happening with that. I had my grandson Sat night (and when she came to pick him she had alcohol on her breath - she parties alot) I felt like keeping him right then and there but I knew she would fly off the handle like she always does.

    He has requested anger management programs at the jail. He is waiting to see if they will let him start those classes in jail.

    We have many videos and pictures with our grandson. He is an important figure in our household since birth. There is a strong bond.

    I am sick about all this and my grandson is the one most hurt by their fighting.

  4. #4

    Default Re: Son Arrested for Domestic Violence

    Yes I believe the restraining order was still in effect and NOT modified during May incident. She claims confusion about whether its been modified. Some background on her - she wants to be a lawyer. Her ABSVAB tests are off the chart. She is extremely smart and very very controlling and manipulative. When she doesn't get her way all heck breaks loose. Documented and witnessed by many people.
    Regardless of what SHE thought about the order being in effect, HE had a legal burden to obey the order until told otherwise by a judge OR until the expiration of the order (which he should have a copy of). It's a HUGE mistake in restraining order cases to listen to advise from ANYONE other than one's own attorney or the judge directly. In lots of cases, the person requesting the order will tell the person under the order that contact is ok - but only a JUDGE can do that, and those who fall prey to the temptation to break the order often find themselves wishing they hadn't.


    He took full responsibility for the DUI and did all classes and paid fine. Your right he messed up. She always uses the baby when she is mad and this was one of those times. He ADORES his son, and many people have written character references about his relationship with his son, including a childcare director. All on paper.
    Realistically? Not anywhere near as important to the court than arrest for domestic violence. His repeated actions WAY overwhelm any character witnesses.


    In the latest incident, she came to his apt, he asked her to leave. He let her use the phone and she found a girls number. She went outside and used his phone to call the girl and threatened to slit her throat if she didn't stay away from my son.
    Then the girl should have filed a police report. If she didn't, then the court isn't likely to believe that she felt the threat was valid. (I tell my cat I'm going to "kill" him all the time...)




    He has not called the PD. He tries to get away from the situations and she will push and spit in his face. I told him he needed to get a restraining order to protect himself,
    Agreed.

    he filed one then didn't follow through because she was threatening to not let him see his son at all.

    That's why he needs to have court ordered custody/visitation. Until he has that, he is at her mercy as to ever seeing the child again and she can make him jump through any hoop that pleases her. Since he didn't marry her before having children, rights that would have been automatic will now have to established the long way, in court. Until he does that, he'll remain at her mercy.

    Yes the incident with her driving with my grandson was called into CPS by my counselor. CPS went and visited her last week. I don't know what is happening with that.
    Excellent. This kind of stuff needs to be reported, every time.


    I had my grandson Sat night (and when she came to pick him she had alcohol on her breath - she parties alot) I felt like keeping him right then and there but I knew she would fly off the handle like she always does.
    If she tries to pick up the child and you suspect she's putting the child in danger by driving drunk, then you call 911. Every time. Let her fly off the handle with those people who can cuff and stuff her and take her to jail for DUI and endangering the child. Nothing documents such actions like a mug shot and a brethalyzer test.


    He has requested anger management programs at the jail. He is waiting to see if they will let him start those classes in jail.
    Good move. Do what you can to make sure he understands how very important this could be to his ability to visit his children.
    Catherine NeSmith
    Executive Director
    AARDVARC.org, Inc.
    http://www.aardvarc.org

    Fave Big Bang Theory site: Sheldon Cooper Fans

  5. #5

    Unhappy Re: Son Arrested for Domestic Violence

    An investigator from the county called me today. She asked me if there were people that would be willing to testify that my sons girlfriend is "dishonest" and "violent". I told her yes and gave her several names and numbers of people who have either seen or been part of the incidents between my son and her.

    She also asked for character references and yes I said there are many - the director of childcare at our church and my sons boss, and a few others who would speak of my sons character.

    It looks like things are going to get ugly and it makes me sad because I know my she will try to keep the baby away from us. But I also feel that both sides need to be seen - and I have forwarded a message to the investigator- by one of Nicks friends which stated that M was going to slit this girls throat. The message came from the girl herself, but as I said she did not press charges. If anything I guess it shows M's character and I suppose that is what they are trying to show right now....

    It goes to pretrial next week and I wonder what will happen next.

  6. #6

    Default Re: Son Arrested for Domestic Violence

    Do you know the current status of where your son stands in relation to his son? Is there any official custody order of any type at this point?
    Catherine NeSmith
    Executive Director
    AARDVARC.org, Inc.
    http://www.aardvarc.org

    Fave Big Bang Theory site: Sheldon Cooper Fans

  7. #7

    Default Re: Son Arrested for Domestic Violence

    Quote Quoting aardvarc
    View Post
    Do you know the current status of where your son stands in relation to his son? Is there any official custody order of any type at this point?
    He is listed on the BC as father. They lived together during the pregnancy and have lived together since my grandson was born. While she worked my son would take care of him and vice versa when he worked. When there shifts were at same time my husband and I would watch the baby. There is no legal paperwork about custody.

    They have always shared equal time with baby, even after the incidents happened. My grandson will be here Sat to spend the night. She is bringing him over when she goes to work, and honestly I know after work she is going out to party. I'd rather have him here then with her when she is doing stuff like that. Last weekend when she picked him it up it was late and she had already drank after work. I didn't even want to let him go home with her.

  8. #8

    Wink Re: Son Arrested for Domestic Violence

    Update on my sons case=

    He went to a pre-trial today and took a plea bargain. They dropped all the charges except the 243 E (1M) He was sentenced to 50 days in jail with half time off ) so it's 25 days/ He has been in jail for 19 days so will serve 6 more days. He has also been ordered to do 52 weeks of anger management and probation. All in all I think it could have been much worse. He will have this on his record but will be able to be out, get back to work ( hopefully he still has a job) and learn better skills in these classes. I'm sure he will be thrilled to see his son again. We have been watching his boy alot because mom just has not been capable of caring for their son 24/7. So this is good my son can be there to take care of his son, whom he loves very much.
    My son lost his apt during this so he will probably be moving in with us until he can back on his feet again, and this is probably for the best because my grandson spends alot of time here anyway and I think the accountability and support here will be good for my son too.

    Wanted to update you. Thanks for all your advice and square talk about this.

  9. #9

    Default Re: Son Arrested for Domestic Violence

    I just found out that my sons probation for his DUI was revoked because of the new DV incident. He has to go to a "to set hearing after revocation"on the 30th. That is also the day that he will have served the full jail sentence for the 25 days because of the DV. Can the judge reorder his probation reinstated with other provisions? I am really hoping my son can get out to care for his son. The childs mother is in bad state with no car, no stable place to live and no stable childcare for their son. We are doing the best to help her but she's pretty much a wreck right now. I really need help with understanding this and what to do??? And what could happen??

  10. #10

    Default Re: Son Arrested for Domestic Violence

    Quote Quoting DLynn
    View Post
    Can the judge reorder his probation reinstated with other provisions?
    Yes, they can. The whole idea behind probation is to NOT get into ANY type of other trouble, so the judge could revoke probation and send him back to jail to complete the full sentence for the DUI.


    I really need help with understanding this and what to do???
    Other than help care for the child to whatever extent mom allows, or securing a criminal defense attorney for him, there's little that you, personally, can do.

    The childs mother is in bad state with no car, no stable place to live and no stable childcare for their son.
    Is the child eating regularly, living in a relatively clean environment, has weather-appropriate clothing, etc.? When you say she has no stable childcare, are you implying she's leaving the 1 1/2 year old alone, or just that different caretakers are being used?


    And what could happen??
    Lots of things are possible, anything from the whole thing being dropped, to him going to jail for the full term of his DUI sentence, and anything in between. There's just no way to know until the judge spells it out.
    Catherine NeSmith
    Executive Director
    AARDVARC.org, Inc.
    http://www.aardvarc.org

    Fave Big Bang Theory site: Sheldon Cooper Fans

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